Thursday, October 21, 1993
by Paid M. Marini
Coloorrusil
Most people have conspiracy
theories on how , President
Kennedy was asaauinated.
These would involve everything
from the Mafia tO the Gamy
Knoll, to a Cuban Ming a
"fourth shot".
Most conspiracy 'Mastics
Lee Harvey Oswald the
patsy, and Jack Ruby the
Maid to silence Oswald.
theories are
all, what the gado'
Nithosaws" *ha
over she POW'
ilmal is. ea
by Dave Barry
SpwSugad Cohiminirt
You men will be relieved to
learn that fashion designer
Donna Karan has come out with
a list of menswear items that
you must have. This is a big
load off my mind. I HATE
making my own menswear
decisions. I hate everything
about buying menswear.
Especially pants. I can never
find pants in my size, which is
33-31 (these numbers refer to
what are technically known as
the "waist" and the "instep"). I
would call this an average size,
but for some reason, the pant
industry makes only about two
pairs of 33-31 pants per year,
and they're always gone by the
time I get to the department
store, leaving me to paw
through the Mutt and Jeff
Designer Clothing Collection.
In an effort to find something
at least close to my size, I end
up trying on a lot of pants in
those changing booths with the
postcard-sized swinging doors
that offer you the same level of
privacy as you'd get if`you tried
on pants while standi`ng on a
counter in . Ladies' Cosmetics.
(Actually, you'd get MORE
privacy in Ladies' Cosmetics,
because the customers have all
megalomaniac, which is a
neurotic condition characterinxt
by gross self.imponance.
At age 17, Oswald joined the
Marines, but because he had a
violent tenipet . te was coin
nu *studiedivace.
Wee defected to the Soviet
Unitin; The So censideted
Oswalt 4 Ahmilbillis" and soot
him toitetisrE waVin a sheet
metal factory. That's where he
met his '- Marina, with
whom he ' back to the
U.S.
Shopping for menswear
been temporarily blinded by
complimentary fragrance
samples.) Privacy is a problem,
because there are always women
lurking around the changing
area, making sure their husbands
buy pants that fit. They know
that their husbands HATE trying
on pants, and will, if left alone,
purchase the rust pair they put
on, even if it does not have the
correct number of legs.
So the women stand just
outside of the changing area,
peering in, trying to get Pant
News Updates:
WOMAN: Michael? How do
they fit?
MAN: They fit fine.
WOMAN: Michael, I want to
see them.
MAN: I said they fit FINE.
WOMAN: (barging into the
changing area, causing guys in
there to scurry, ratlike, around
their booths, attempting to cover
themselves with shopping bags):
LET ME SEE THEM.
I personally consider this kind
of behavior to be degrading to
the husband. I never shop for
pants with my wife. This is
why I personally own' several
dozen pairs of pants that don't
I'd like to buy just one set of
clothes, the RIGHT clothes, and
never have . to buy any again.
assass
I , NPINO
inati
N0v.:19
And Yes. Oswald could have
shot Kennedy from the sixth
floor of the building.
First, he was an expert
marksnum, having been trained
in the Marines.
thuuhtio was imgkient with
That's why I'm so pleased about
the new Donna Karan Fashion
Essentials catalog of "must-have
menswear items." This catalog,
according to an accompanying
press release, is being distributed
"to select consumers."
You will be pleased to learn
that the Fashion Essentials
catalog does NOT include a
skirt. This is good news,
because Donna Karan does
sometimes have her male models
appear in fashion shows wearing
skirts. But for now, at least,
you will not be required to
purchase one, although this
could change; the release states
that "Karan will re-evaluate each
Essential item to make sure that
the product mix remains
cumL"-
on of JFK
Yes, there were only 3, not 4,
shots. The first shot didn't do
anything; it hit a branch of the
oak tote opposite the depository,
ricocheted, and chipped the curb.
The second shot„ known as the
"magic" or "pristine" bullet hit
Kennedy and then Texas Gov..
John Connally.
What happened was that the
bullet entered JFK's back, grazed
his sixth cervical vertebrae,
exited his throat, and entered
Connally's shoulder. The bullet
ita' under Connally's right
and because he was
to his entered his
radius
in
I was surprised to note that the
Essentials catalog also does not
include underwear, which most
guys I know view as an essential
clothing item both for formal
occasions and for mopping up
beer spills. What the catalog
DOES include is a 100 percent
Scottish cashmere jogging-suit
ensemble, consisting of a
"hooded zip -front jogger" for
$1,960 and a "drawstring sweat
pant" for $1,465.
I know what some of you men
are thinking. You're thinking
that you're not going to spend
$3,425 on a - jogging suit unless
it also comes with a car. I'm
sorry, men, but that is exactly
the kind of bad attitude that
keeps you off the list of select
consumers. This jogging suit is
essential, and so are all the other
items in the Donna Karan
Essentials catalog, including the
cashmere crew ($650), the biker
jacket ($1,200) with cotton
mock knit (it doesn't say cotton
mock knit WHAT, but whatever
it is, it costs $135), the leather
vest ($495), the balmacaan
($860), the silk pajamas ($600)
and the cashmere robe ($1,925).
Altogether, the catalog features
25 essential garments, requiring
a basic fashion investment of
$18,452.50.
(No, I don't know what a
"balmacaan" is. Just shut up
opposite direction of the bullet's
lath•
Both facts explain why
Kennedy's head snapped back
instead of forward when he was
shot from behind.
Finally, who was Jack Ruby?
The $2 answer was that he was a
Jewish night club owner
originally from Chicago.
After the assassination, Ruby
was angry because an anti-
Kentkdy ad that the newspaper
ran that day was signed by a
Jewish surname. He thought
that the Jewish community
would be blamed for Kennedy's
def Uh.
• ,
Also, Ruby never planned to
kill Oswald. in fact, he always
carried a .38 caliber with him.
Wfiet
as him off was, on the
dil*,,ho shit c , Ruby saw
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and buy IL)
I am certain that all the
essential garments in the catalog
are very attractive.
Unfortunately, I can't really see
them. Most of them are, of
course, black, and they have
been photographed under dim
light against a black background.
The catalog is a festival of
gloom. In most of the
photographs, the only thing you
can see clearly is the ghostly,
floating face of the model, who,
like most male fashion models,
has a facial expression normally
associated with prostate surgery.
He's staring into space, as if
thinking: "Hey! I'm not
wearing any underwear!"
But that's his concern, men.
Your concern is bringing your
wardrobe up to minimum
acceptable fashion standards. So
I want you to sell that extra
kidney, go to a store that carries
the Donna Karan Menswear line,
and start purchasing your fashion
Essentials. While you're there,
pick me up a size 33-31
balmacaan.
Dave Barry is a syndicated
columnist from The Miami
Herald. His column appears in
The Behrend College Collegian
every week.
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