Thursday, January 28, 1993
Behrend
Well it's that time of year
gain when the Bookstore gets to
to its favorite thing -- rip us off.
e all know the routine by now
(at least we should) of how the
Bookstore charges horrendous
prices for cheap books. Then,
when you sell them back (if you
can), the book you paid $64 for
is worth $l7. Perhaps the icing
on the Bookstore's lousy cake is
how rude the personnel are to the
customers. They get a perverse
thrill out of being obnoxious.
Are they afraid
we're going to
load up our
knapsacks and
shiftily slide out
the door?
So silly me went in there to
get change for a $5 bill. I knew I
could have gotten change from
the game room, but I didn't want
o lug around $5 worth of
• uarters. When I asked the
oman behind the counter for
we ones, she sharply announced
hat the Bookstore does not give
hange. At that very instant,
very fiber of my existence shook
with rare. I've been ri • • • off
Results of bad song survey, Part I
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Columnist
PART ONE
Before I present the results of
the Bad Song Survey, here's an
important:
BRAIN TAKEOVER ALERT
Be advised that this column
names certain songs that you
hate and have tried to suppress,
but as soon as you read their
names your brain will start
singing, "Yoouunngg girl, get
out of my mind; my love for
you is way out of line..." over
and over AND YOU CAN'T
STOP IT AIEEEEE. Thank
you.
First, I have NEVER written
a column that got a bigger
response than the one
announcing the Bad Song
Survey. Over 10,000 readers
voted, with cards still coming
in. Also, wherever I went
people expressed their views to
me, often gripping my shirt to
emphasize their points. ("You
know that song about pina
coladas? I hate that song. I
HATE IT!") Song badness is an
issue that Americans care deeply
about.
Second, you Neil Diamond
fans out there can stop writing
irate, unsigned letters telling me
that I am not worthy to be a
dandruff flake on Neil's head,
OK? (Not that I am saying Neil
has dandruff.) Because you have
convinced me: Neil Diamond is
GOD. I no longer see anything
but genius in the song where he
complains that his chair can't
hear him. Unfortunately, a lot
offices charged with Student Abuse
by them before. What was the
big deal now? Perhaps it was
because I had just spent $250 for
books in there, and they found it
too burdensome to give me
change.
So I went upstairs to get
something to drink at the Gorge.
Within seconds, some gross
woman with Coke-bottle glasses
lunged at me and ordered me to
get out. Reason: I forgot to
take off my backpack. What's
the problem? Are they afraid
we're going to load up our
knapsacks and shiftily slide out
the door? That's what it must
be. While there is cause for
concern, I didn't appreciate being
guilty until proven innocent.
The message they're conveying is
that it's okay for them to rob us
with their prices, but it's not
okay for anyone to thieve away
with a crummy half-baked cookie
that costs 70 cents too much.
After that insulting ordeal, I
went to the Business Office (or is
it the Bureaucracy Office?) to get
a paper signed. Before I knew it,
I was being treated like a
disgusting piece of poop. The
problem was that I hadn't gotten
the paper signed in sequential
order. I skipped somebody, little
did I know.
Each of these examples is a
hideous violation of ordinary
of survey voters are not so crazy
about Neil's work, especially
the part of "Play Me" where he
sings:
"...song she sang to me, song
she brang to me..."
Of course I think those lyrics
are brilliant; however, they
brang out a lot of hostility in
the readers. But not as much as
"Lavin' You," sung by Minnie
Ripperton, or "Sometimes
When We Touch," sung by
Dan Hill, who sounds like he's
having his prostate examined by
Captain Hook.
Many people still deeply
resent these songs. Many
others would not rule out capital
punishment for anyone
convicted of having had
anything to do with Gary
Puckett and the Union Gap
("Woman," "Young Girl" and
"This Girl Is a Woman Now,"
which some voters argue are all
the same song).
Likewise there are boiling
pools of animosity out there for
Barry "I Write the Songs"
Manilow, Olivia "Have You
Never Been Mellow" Newton-
John, Gilbert "Alone Again,
Naturally" O'Sullivan, The
Village "YMCA" People, Tony
"Knock Three Times" Orlando,
and of course Yoko "Every
Song I Ever Performed" Ono.
And there is no love lost for the
Singing Nun.
The voters are ANGRY. A
typical postcard states: "The
number one worst piece of pus
oozing, vomit-inducing, camel-
won
decency. If they had been nice to
me, and had politely explained
my error, or their situation, I
would not have become upset,
and would have conceded humbly.
Instead, they chose to follow
their own version of the golden
rule: Do unto others what
you would never have done
to you before anyone gets
column, I've heard several strange
and infuriating stories involving
just about every office here.
Many of the tales were more
heinous than mine. The villains
most often mentioned were the
spitting, cow-phlegm rock song
EVER in the history of the
SOLAR system is "Dreams of
the Everyday Housewife,"
(Amazingly, this song was
NOT performed by Gary Puckett
and the Union Gap.)
Here are some other typical
statements:
--"l'd rather chew a jumbo roll
of tinfoil than here 'Hey Paula'
by Paul and Paula."
--"Whenever I hear the Four
Seasons' Walk Like a Man,' I
want to scream, 'Frankie, SING
like a man!'"
--"I wholeheartedly believe
that 'Ballerina Girl' is
responsible for 90 percent of the
violent crimes in North America
today."
sometimes the voters were so
angry that they weren't even
sure of the name of the song
Bookstore (of course), Police and
Safety, and the pompous clique
in the Gorge. Anyway...
For some unknown reason,
many campus personnel get a
twisted kick out of being nasty.
They must be on some sort of
power trip, and believe that
they're simply too busy to stop
what they're doing to assist we
lowly students. It is truly
revolting to know that while we
are expected to act like adults, we
are assaulted by childish staff
members, abused by high school
politics, and bashed by bickering
little Napoleons with mouths as
big as their attitudes. It must
make them feel important to
exercise their pseudo-superiority
while attempting to preside over
us. The really sick thing is how
these people dare accuse students
of being unnecessarily crude, or
even cruel. I know that students
can be rough to deal with, but
being a crab right off the bat
certainly doesn't help things.
I don't want to make it sound
like all Penn State offices are
conniving and insulting. The
Counseling Office is always
student-friendly, along with the
Office of Student Affairs, and the
Office of Student Activities.
Even the Registrar's Office
personnel are polite to students
most of the time, despite the
they hated. There were votes
against "These Boots Are Made
For Stomping"; the Beach Boys'
classic "Carolina Girls"; "I'm
Nothing But a Hound Dog";
and "Ain't No Woman Like The
One-Eyed Gott." A lot of
people voted for "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight," offering a
variety of interpretations of the
chorus, including: "Weem-o
wep," "Wee-ma-wack,"
"Weena-wack," "A-ween-a-wap"
and "Wingle whip."
Many readers are still very
hostile toward the song
"Wildfire," in which singer
Michael Murphy wails for what
seems like 97 minutes about a
lost pony. (As one voter put it:
"Break a leg, Wildfire.") Voter
Steele Hinton particularly
criticized the verse wherein
"there came a killing frost,"
which causes Wildfire to get
lost. As Hinton points out:
"... 'killing' in 'killing frost'
refers to your flowers and your
garden vegetables, and when one
is forecast you should cover
your tomatoes. ...Nobody ever
got lost in a killing frost who
wouldn't get lost in July as
well."
Speaking of bad lyrics, there
were votes for
--Cream's immortal "I'm So
Glad," which eloquently
expresses the feeling of being
glad, as follows: "I'm so glad!
I'm so glad! I'm glad, I'm glad,
I'm glad!" (Repeat one billion
times.)
--"La Bamba," because the
stresses tney endure. What I'r
saying is that in order for (II:
student body to work like adults
they have to be treated lik
adults. The Penn State
atmosphere needs to he nicer to
everyone.
As for that bizarre little pack
of hyenas in the Bookstore, the
Gorge's own Vulture Squad, and
the Bureaucrats, if they think
they have a right to be mean and
obnoxious, maybe we should
give them something to be rude
Maybe we
should all storm
the Bookstore,
raid the cafe,
and even pillage
the offices...
about. Maybe we should al
storm the Bookstore, raid the
cafe, and even pillage the offices
guilty of student abuse. Only
then will they have the right to
complain. Until then, they
should get down off their high
horses, shut up, and realize that
they're paid to be here. After
all, if they can't treat us with
decency, then it's not our honor
to have them.
lyrics, translated, are: "I am not
a sailor. I am a captain, I am a
captain, I am a captain." And
he is probably glad.
--"Johnny Get Angry,"
performed by Joanie Sommers,
who sings: "Johnny get angry,
Johnny get mad; Give me the
biggest lecture I ever had; I
want a BRAVE man, I want a
CAVE man..."
--"Take The Money And
Run," in which Steve Miller
attempts to rhyme "Texas" with
"what the facts is," not to
mention "hassle" with "El
Paso."
--"Torn Between Two
Lovers." (Reader comment:
"Torn, yes, hopefully on the
rack."
--"There Ain't Enough Room
In My Fruit Of the Looms To
Hold All My Love For You."
(This might not be a real song,
but I don't care.)
Certainly these are all very
bad songs, but the scary thing
is: NOT ONE SONG I'VE
NAMED SO FAR IS A
WINNER. I'll name the
winners next week, after your
stomach has settled down.
Meanwhile here are some more
songs you should NOT think
about: "Baby I'm-A Want
You," "Candy Man," "Disco
Duck," "I Am Woman," "Itsy-
Bitsy Teeny-Weeny Yellow
Polka-Dot Bikini," "Last
Kiss," "Patches," "The Night
Chicago Died," "My Ding-a-
Ling" and "My Sharona." Just
FORGET these songs. Really.
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