Thursday, January 21, 1993
Hi! I'm back. I've put much
thought into my first column of
the semester. I'm going to tell
you what a horrendous first two
weeks of spring semester '93,
second half of the 1992-1993
academic year I've had. (I'm
sure yours wasn't that pleasant
either.) Yes, I do complain a
lot but someone has to.
What if I'm stuck
on the john
number two-ing
for eight hours
straight?
Let's start with our schedule
of classes. Now Advance
Registration began on
November 2. Schedule
Adjustments ran from Dec. 7-
18. Therefore, if you weren't
pleased with your first choice of
classes, you had the opportunity
to make another choice. Then
why on earth were there 29
hundred people lined up outside
the registrar's office to "adjust"
their schedules? We already did
that folks! It's why they call it
a schedule ADJUSTMENT
The year in review, according to Dave
by Dave Barry
Syndicated Columnist
JANUARY
1--George Bush, while
practicing the Secret Handshake
of the Six or Seven Top World
Leaders club, glances out the
Oval Office window and notices
that the darned U.S. economy is
STILL in trouble. He vows to
write a stern note to his
economic advisers, Wayne and
Garth. Meanwhile, Bill Clinton
-- a virtual unknown on the
national scene, despite the fact
that he has been governor of
Arkansas since he was 17 --
arrives in New Hampshire with a
truck containing 957 separate
eight-point policies and enough
hair spray to immobilize the
Brazilian rain forest.
8--President Bush flies to Japan
accompanied by 237 high-level
aides, 322 leading U.S. business
executives, 517 journalists, 856
security personnel, the first lady,
26 grandchildren and both White
House dogs. Left behind,
tragically, is the black briefcase
containing the presidential Pepto-
Bismol.
10--In Tokoyo; President Bush
scores an economic coup as the
Japanese government, under
inte i pse pressure to open its doors
to U.S. imports, agrees to
purchase a 1992 Chevrolet
Caprice. At a formal dinner
hosted by the prime minister, the
President formalizes the
agreement by performing the
ceremonial Ralph of Friendship.
20--The Japanese government's
Caprice develops transmission
trouble.
26--In a surprising Super Bowl
outcome, the Washington
O.K. I
It's not
period. What a strikingly novel
idea.
Now, now. Don't get all
huffy and puffy. I understand
that things do come up between
the time we "adjust" our
schedules and the time we
actually start classes. But for
those of you who "adjusted"
your schedule because you didn't
like the teacher or you and your
best friend didn't get in the same
section, give me a break! There
are those who had better, more
legitimate reasons: job or
family situations. a change of
major, they just couldn't make
it out of bed for that 8:00
class.. just kidding.
Moving 0n...1 just love this
"attendance policy" some
teachers have. You are only
excused if 1) there is a death in
your family and you provide a
death notice; 2) you have a form
signed by an "authorized,
influential, top collegiate
authority" excusing your
absence; or 3) you provide a
doctor's excuse.
I have a situation that is not
covered in the above rules and
regulations: what if I'm stuck
on the john number two-mg for
Redskins and the Buffalo Bills
stop playing in the third quarter
so they can watch Bill and
Hillary Clinton discuss their
marriage on "60 Minutes."
FEBRUARY
11--Bill Clinton's character
comes under further scrutiny
when the news media obtain a
1969 photograph showing him
reporting for a draft physical
wearing a dress.
17—Jeffrey Dahmer is sentenced
to life in prison with no
refrigerator privileges.
20--Ross Perot announces that
if his supporters put him on the
ballot in all 50 states, he will
have them investigated.
MARCH
11--In the trial of accused Mafia
kingpin John Gotti, the judge
considers a defense motion to
declare a mistrial because "The air
seems to be running a little low
inside the 55-gallon drum where
we are keeping your honor's
mother."
31--" Silence of the Lambs" is
the big winner in the Academy
Award ceremonies, which
culminate in an emotional
moment when Best Actor
Anthony Hopkins breaks down
on stage and ralphs up what is
later identified as a segment of
Best Actress Jodie Foster.
APRIL
9--Great Britain elects an entire
new government following a
campaign that tqpk less time,
total, than U.S. politicians will
need, later in the year, to agree on
a debate format.
17--Downtown Chicago is
paralyzed for what will turn out
to be several days of a massive,
Opinion
think I'm
nice to rip on people
eight hours straight. No one
nor nothing has died except for
maybe my digestive system, I
certainly wouldn't have an
"authorized, influential,
collegiate top authority over for
alicia
hartman
multimillion-dollar flood, the
cause of which is ultimately
traced to the home of Arnold
Spooterman, whose last words,
according to his wife, were "We
don't need a plumber. I'll just
tighten this..."
MAY
21--In what will later be viewed
as a mistake, the crack Middle
East Peace Negotiating Team is
sent into what used to be
Yugoslavia.
26--The Food and Drug
Administration announces a ban
on molecules.
JUNE
3--Clinton, seeking to improve
his image among young voters,
goes on "The Arsenio Hall
Show" and, after donning a pair
of dark sunglasses, smokes a
joint.
10--Scientists detect a large new
hole in the ozone layer, believed
to be caused by fumes from
flaming desserts served at the
Earth Summit.
done now
cake and tea until I've fumagated
my house, and a case of the runs
doesn't really call for a doctor's
diagnosis.
I'm not trying to be gross
here, just realistic. This is my
call for action.
Don't forget, it is stated in
the student and/or teacher
handbook that a teacher may use
attendance in determination of a
student's grade. Yes, attendance
is important, but if a student
misses class, he/she is already
down one for missing the day's
lecture or presentation. The
only inconvenience for a teacher
that a student's absence can
cause (as brought to my
attention by one of my teachers)
is the timely consumption of
providing the student with
materials that were handed out
in class that day. Solution: if a
student does not have a
legitimate excuse, then don't
give them the hand-outs.
Here I am in college, but I
sometimes think I was treated
more like an adult in high
school.
And some of you drivers out
there! I know you're in a rush
to leave and all, but here in the
United States we have what the
17--Seeking to boost the
sagging U.S. humor industry,
Vice President Quayle gives a
spelling lesson.
JULY
7--A freak tidal wave hits
Daytona Beach, Fla. Scientists
are baffled until satellite photos
detect Ted Kennedy breast
stroking about three miles
offshore.
17--Clinton begins his speech
accepting the Democratic
nomination.
19--Clinton concludes his
speech and sets out on a bus tour
of the Heartland with Al Gore,
whose body is unable to bend
enough to fit in the bus seats, so
his aides just stick him up on the
luggage rack, still in a waving
position.
29--In Olympic basketball
action, t h e Dream Team defeats
the Republic of Zwit 563-4, with
Charles Barkley scoring 153
points before being ejected late in
the second quarter for arson.
AUGUST
5--The Supreme Court, in a
landmark decision, rules that,
once on the island, Gilligan is
not legally required to obey orders
from the Skipper.
20--General Motors announces
that, in an effort to cut costs, it
will stop making cars.
21--Delegates to the Republican
Convention reaffirm their support
for Traditional Family Values by
burning . a suspected witch.
SEPTEMBER
10--The U.S. Congress, long
ridiculed for avoiding the tough
issues, courageously passes a low
regulating cable-TV rates.
25--In a landmark ruling, an
Page 5
call TRAFFIC LAWS. Thos:
red colored, white lettered
octagon signs supported by ,
black or green post are call-'
STOP signs. That means you
must place your foot on the
brake.
I realize that several of you
Those red
colored, white
lettered, octagon
signs supported
by a black or
green post are
STOP SIGNS.
these signs are worthless
creations of art, but there are
those who do pay attention to
these "nuisances".
Stop signs do have a place in
this world. They reinforce that
kindergarten lesson of sharing.
You know, the peron at stop A
goes, then the person at stop B
goes. The person at stop A
goes, the person at stop B goes.
I'm sure you get the point.
Sharing is a wonderful thing.
It provides equal opportunity for
all to go home or wherever your
, ma be.
Orlando, Fla., judge declares that
a 12-year-old boy has the right to
select his own parents. He
selects Marge and Homer
Simpson.
OCTOBER
13--Clinton promises to
increase spending for jobs,
education, health care, the
environment, the infrastructure,
the outfrastructure and parking,
while at the same time reducing
the deficit and cutting taxes.
Bush says Clinton is a bozo.
Perot says it's time to cut bait
and talk turkey.
23--Clinton promises to give
every voter a briefcase full of
money while at the same time
fighting cavities and saving
Bambi's mom from the hunters.
Bush bites Clinton on the leg.
Perot says it takes two snakes to
cross a puddle.
NOVEMBER
25--In Britain, a fire strikes the
Queen's clothes closet, destroying
4317 hats with an estimated
street value of $ll.
26--Superman dies, probably as
a result of wearing the same
underwear for 50 years.
DECEMBER
1--What begins as a friendly
transitional get-together between
the Bushes and Clintons ends in
tragedy when Millie ralphs up
what is later identified as Socks
the cat.
15--NASA suffers another
setback when the space Shuttle
Determined, attempting to deploy
a military satellite, is found to be
unmaneuverable due to the fact
that a previous commander
accidently left "The Club" on the
steering wheel.