opinions
Lost in heaven
I am in heaven presently. Do not ask me
now I got here, for I do not know how or why it
happened. I must find out. Come with me, if
toOdsplace discoverwhatbrou g ht me
I was briefed by St. Peter when I arrived:
• heaven,” he said, “the daily time frame
is the same as on earth. There is day by which
to live, night by which to sleep, and there are
seasons like winter and summer. You will
never get cold or hot.” I meant to ask him
why I was in heaven, but he was gone before I
could inquire. That is the Nature of heaven I
guess.
I begin my day not with a shower, but
merely by waking up. I am already groomed
to satisfaction. I begin my day with a walk
it is about two miles to the medical center.
Perhaps I can find my reason for being in
heaven in the medical files.
When I arrive, a nurse gives a speech. “Sex
is not a tabco here people govern their
behavior responsibly, with much foresight,
and contraceptives are always available.
There are no unwanted pregnancies, and so
there are no abortions. Only repair opera
tions are performed here. AIDS is not a fear
because death is not a fear.” When she is
finished, I ask her why I am in heaven. She
cannot tell me, so I walk away.
I encounter two students from a university.
One is Purple, the other is Green. They are
conversing loudly and with wild gesticula
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tions. I am pale white; I don’t know why they
are so oddly colored. I had to cut in.
I asked: “How is it that you two are getting
along so well? Where I come from, groups of
separate color do not interact too much, if at
all. It is a problem that has no solution, I
think.”
The Purple one seems perturbed. “I come
from the same world as you,” he says, “and I
know of what you speak. That is racism in its
most pure and lasting form. Posters may go
up, but you can take them down. Bigots may
make their speeches, but you can chase them
out of town. Attitudes those are much more
difficult to change.”
The Green one says, “We are not a group. I
am singular. The solution lies in singularity;
the problem with categories and groups.”
I ask them if they know why I am in
heaven, and they say no. I thank them and go
my way. I find a man older than myself but
colorless like myself. He asks me for a
cigarette, but I don’t have one.
“In heaven,” he gleefully says, “no one
smokes. I always hated smokers on earth! ” I
ask him why I am in heaven, but he does not
know, and so I go my own way. I find a
politician, one who used to cheat on his wife
and plagiarize his speeches from Plato.
“Honestly,” he says, “I do not know why
you are here. I cannot lie in heaven, so you
may believe me.” I laugh, but there is noth
ing funny about what he says. It is original. I
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can we ever escape life's situations?
ask him if he has been elected to office here,
but he says, “No. There is only one Governor
here.” It is his turn to laugh; and I go my
way.
I find a young woman whose color is Char
treuse. She is smiling for no reason, and so I
ask why. “Because I committed suicide, ” she
replied, “but I am in heaven anyway." I ask
her why she killed herself, but she cannot
explain. There is no apparent reason. “Per
haps that’s why I’m here,” she says. I ask her
if she knows why I am here, but she does not
know. As I leave her, she is smiling still.
I encounter a newly married couple: the
man is Pink, the woman is striped like a
zebra. I ask them if they know why I am in
heaven. “Did you violate the Marriage Limi
tations Law?” the bride asks. I respond that I
never married. “Fool,” she says, “you could
have married, and with the MLL, you would
have made a mature decision.” I tell her that
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I wrote the law, and she says, “Maybe that’s
why you’re in heaven.” Interesting thought. I
go my way.
I find C. Everett Koop sitting atop a tele
phone pole. I ask him what he is doing.
“Raising money for charity,” he says. I give
him a hundred thousand dollars, and he says.
"Were you this generous on earth?” I tell him
that I was not.
“If you had been,” he laughs, “I would
have nominated you for president.” I ask him
why I am in heaven, and he does not know. I
move on.
I am tired, and so I look for a car. One mile
from Koop, I find a car salesman with a
brand new Model-A Ford. “It has ABS, three
point seatbelts, and airbags as backup safety
devices,” he says. I tell him I’ll take it. “Good
choice,” he says, “because you don’t want to
hurt yourself for eternity.” I ask him why I
am in heaven, but he does not know either.
“Happy motoring,” he says, and I drive off.
I find Milton Eisenhower, a man who was
president of Penn State University in the
19505. He says to me, “Excuse me student,
but I was thinkng of making athletic fields out
of the Pollock corn fields. In your opinion,
should I do this?” I reply that I am against
the measure, for we need that corn for dining
hall meals.
“Where else would you build?” he asks. I
tell him that perhaps there is a need to cut
back admissions if the University is outgrow
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The Daily Collegian Monday, Nov. 30, 1987—1
ing its own buildings. He says, “that would
bring in less money.’’
“Does it not make more sense for the
school?" I ask. He considers this and leaves
me before I can ask him why I am in heaven.
Disappointing.
It is getting dark. I am driving home when I
see a woman on the side of the road. She is
sitting on a milk crate, but stands up as I
offer her a ride. I ask her where she wants to
go. “I am looking for more milk crates.” she
says, “so that I might build a loft for my bed
Will you help me?"
I agree and we drive on. We find ourselves
at the residence of the Supreme Being after
twenty minutes of driving. My quest is at its
end. When I get inside the building, which is
much like Old Main, I ask, “Why am I here?"
The girl is no longer with me I guess she
has filed her own request for milk crates. To
my inquiry comes the response, “Out of
mercy.”
The response is not terribly clear: every
one is in heaven out of mercy. I ask again and
again, but receive no further answer. I leave
and drive home. “Out of mercy,” I think. As
in my earthly existence, I am left to ponder
questions that perhaps have no answer at
least now I have the time to do it.
Bill Cahir is a sophomore majoring in
liberal arts and is a columnist for The Daily
Collegian.
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