r
LJJJ
Bcuotcu to politics, Citewture, Vgvicnlturc, Science, iHoialitn, awb cncral 3ntc!iigcnce.
'0L. 34.
Published by Theodore Schoch.
T,.RM;;Tro dollars a rear In advance aud if not
ril bf r'! th end of the year, two dollars anl fifty
:enl will i( rharir.'d.
.y N paner di-font-.nnod until all arrearages are
niJ exefpt t tlie option of the Editor.
es ivertisi'iu-nt of om square of (eierht lines) or
I,, j .Mm or tlir-te ins-rtinns ?t 50. Each additional in
artion. 5') cents. Longer ones in proportion.
JOI5 IMtlXTIXO
OF AI T. KINDS,
EiocuteJ in the highest style of the Art, and on the
most reasonable terms.
D
R. NATHANIEL C. MILLER,
Physician and Surgeon.
02ca and residence: Coruer Main and Pocono Strset,
Stroudsbcrg, Pa.,
Office hours from 7 to 8 a. m., 1 to 2 and 7
to S p. m.
Oct. 23. 187fi-tf.
J.
II. SIU'LIi, 31. O.
Si'ind door hel-w Burnett House. Residence
:i.l r it of HieUsiie Quaker Church. Office'
l,o,tra sua a. ui., 1 to 3 p. m., 6 to 9 p. iu.
!! : , is7u-:f.
D
I;y siciau iind Surgeon,
ST 110 UD3 BURG, Pa.
'. forni'-rly oei'iitiied hy Dr. S.ip. Residence with
.1. r. MillT, n!rri.r 1). low the j-.ir-rsoniun OtTice.
'() li m hnirs, 7 to 12 to 3 and o to 9.
Jin :l, I tf.
D
X. E2:JEi,
S;u;r'on Ic:itist.
O F-e in .las. IMiner's nor building, nearly opposite
jhi: Siroirisii-jr Bank. (las aduiuistered for uxtucling
.u desired.
J i'tunr, l'a. t Jan. 6,T7f-tf.
D
5. GCI. W. JAC'KSO.
P;!VSiril, AND aitoucheir.
OTi"'' in .-vjui-.u-l 11 od"s new building, marly p
pjH.:; tin it uftcj. R.-aideue on S;ira elrei-t,
u') a Fr.i:i'vli'i.
Au'.ist ,'72-lf
Divis s. s.s:::,
Attoraicy at I-.UW,
(;ie lior nh.-ive the ".troudsburg House,"
Sir jiii-'nir?, Pa.
(.'oIlei-iiorH proaiptlv made.
O -tooer -22, 1S74.
Lr i i.so.y ii:iiis,
Xatury iuhlic,
Heal Ejtate and Insnranco Agtjnt and
CONVEYANCER.
T.tln f irr'tei nnd Convynnring in all it.
hr.rijli'-s cirffiiHg nnd promptly attended to.
Ay'k-xvdfhjnient t;iken for ether Staffs.
OTi-, JvHtler'r; Briok Building, near the R.R.
Dej. ,t,
E VST STROUDSBURG, PA.
P. o. n- -V).
.St;)tf,!i')..-r -Jl, 1S7). tf.
" WILLIAM S. REES,
Surveyor, Conveyancer and
Raal Estate Agent.
farms. Timber Lands and Town Lots
FOR SALE.
O 5 e tn-'nrlv opposite American Houee
an1 .M .1 i ir ln-low the Corner More.
Mirc'i il l, 1 S7.H-tf.
DR. J.LANTZ,
SUR3E0N & MECHANICAL DENTIST.
'.i;i his h?s oiSs-a n Main ret, in the coud Urj
''r !-. s. V ihou's lu i.-k tuiMtur, tit-arly of.jvsite the
oir.ui .'(..ir il t.iif. mid he flatr ttitus-df that tiv ein
t 'e:i v lr (iti-ita.iit nraetie and the most earnest aii
rr r.i! ,i t"ii'i'.N U all matters pi-rtaiuin to bis pro
fsv!t. that h i fully a't.K U perforin ail rations
'i Hie line in the luost careful aud kkjIIIuI luau
nor.
(i? -ih! nitpniion civen to arini: the Natural Teeth;
', to the ia'riii.ii of Artitieial 'JVeth on Huhbrr,
r"l i. Vdvt-r, or Continuous tJums, and perfect fiU in all
'.usnrrt.
M p ri ns know the sreat follr and dancr of en
tfist! ii t hi-ir work to the inexperienced, or to tho li r-
ju aisiauce. April l i, IS4. tl.
Opposition toHumbuggeryl
The nil l"rijHfd hereby announecs that he has re-
n "i i,u-i;i s at the olj'stand, next door to Hosier's
S. or.-, Main street, ."strotidshtire, l'a., and is
: ii'-parea lo aicoiuiu jaata all iu want oi
BOOTS and SHOES,
s li in thr lamst stvle and of good material. Repair
Y'i pry!;lv iiit.ut,i to. Give m- a -all.
isro-jj.j C. LHWIS WATERS.
PAPER IIAKSER,
GLAZIER AND PAINTER,
MOXltOE STREET,
Nearly opposite Kauti's Blacksmith Shop,
Stroudsbirq, Pa.
The undereigned would reaped fully in
form the citizens of Stroudsburg and vicinity
that he is now lully prepared to do all kinds
ut I'aper Hangin?, Glazing and Painting,
Promptly and at thort notice, and that he
'! keep constantly on hand a fine tock of
Paper IIangig of all descriptions and at
!w pricos. The patronage of the publir
earnestly solicted. May 16, 1872.
Dwelling House for Sale.
A fy desirable two norr DwcHioz House, contafn-
ing seven rMni, one of which is suitable
for a Store Room, tiituateon Main8tre
in the Borough of Htrudsburf. The
I miljlinr. im Mn....t.. mar . A .......... r.nwt
a&cLrof it iu irood condition. For tenua 6m..
!!!Jffice. fDec.9,1875-tf.
JOB PRINTING, of a II kind neatly ex
"ec&tedat thli offic
mnramnzmmrw
NASBY.
THE COXERS DECIDE FOR WAR, BUT JOE
BIGLER UNSETTLES THEIR MINDS THE
SUDDEN ENDING OF A MEETING.
CONFEDRIT X liOADS,
(Wich is the State uv Kentucky),
The infamus countin out uv Tilden, the
Reform candidate, in spite uv the nirp;er
killid, bulldozin and intimidashun we did
to kerry Floridy, Loozaner add South
Kerliny, will fro down into histry ez the
final stab at the liberties ur a brave and
opprest people. I hev no words to express
my indijinashen at the deed, or my loathin
uv the deeders. When I think that over
a thousand niters was killed in them
Suites, and that the killin uv that thous
and scared for at least a thousand more ;
when I think uv the pains we took to keep
ablishinists from votiu, and when I think
uv the masterly way we countid in the
parishes our rifie clubs took control uv, and
that after all this we wuz countid out by
the Returning Boards, and sich, unheld
by the minyuns uv lVdrel power, I hev no
hesitasheu in assertin that our pretense uv
liberty is a holler mockery, and that the
idee of a government by the people mite
ez well be abandoned at wanst.
The Corners resolved never to submit
to the outrage, and the minit the Yoonitid
States Mar&hal got away, the war frelin
got so intense, that it bed to have vent.
Tber aint only one way for the Corners to
work off its excitement, and that is by a
a mcetin. I called one immejitly, and so
intense wuz the meeting that every citizen,
uv the Corners was present.
I never seed sich a f'eelin since I wuz a
cl.i'd. There wuzu't any loud, blusterin,
onnecoss.iry talk men felt it wuz no time
for talk, but ackshen. Their wuz that com
preshen uv lip, that stern look, that thot
ful cxprcshen that one sees here only in
times uv grate public danger, or when
Rascom presents his bill to the citizens
with the hartless remark that you don't
git another drop till that is paid.
Dekin Pogram remarkt that the countin
out uv Tildt-n wuz an outrage to wich the
Corners wood never submit. The Cor
ners had made sacrifices afore for constitu
tional liberty, and wood agin. Ez old tz
he wuz, lie had shot Fedrel pikets, and
the age bed dimmed his eyes and tl e
newnis uv, Rascom's likker hed affected
his nerves, he believed he cood do suthin
in that way 3 it. He desired nothin so
much cz to git a crack at an ablishnist. He
preferred kiiliu ubiishtiists to niggers any
day.
L-sakcr Pogram wuz more in earnest,
lie wautid war anyhow. He wuz tired uv
all this beatin about the bush. He had
killed niggers to keep cm from votin, wich
he felt wuz a base compromise. It wuz an
admishn that the nigger hed a rite to vote
he wuzn't killed, with he wood never con
sent to. He wantid an applie to arms that
the rite uv the proud Caueashn to rool
might be established furcver. Ilis voice
wuz for war. He wuz thirsty for gore.
Xo compromise for him war to the knife.
Capt. MePelter wuz for war. He had
suffered wunst and wuz willin to agin, lie
wuz glad that Tilden wuz countid out, for
it showed the South that thev hed nothin":
to expect from the ablishn North. War
wuz the onlv resource left a free petndc.
The resolooshens presented breethed a
warlike spent wich almost alarmed me
They wuz ez follows :
Wareas, The Dimocrisy uvthe South
em States by virtune uv that eternal vi;zi
lence wich is the price uv liberty, and shot
guns, triumphed over abhshism in Floridy,
South Kerhny and Looisaner, and.
Wareas, To do this required constant
ridin, aud an expenditure uv buck shot
onparallelled in the history uv eleckshurs,
and.
Wareas, When you hev killed a nig
ger, or hung a white ablishnist you arc
entitled to the benefits resultin from it, and
Wareas, Ablishn oiiishls and Return
in Roards hev cooly thrown out all parishes
were a decent regard for a Democratic
trump compelled us to prevent nigger votin,
and thus given the States to the Radical
Hayes : therefore, be it.
Resolved, That the Corners, realizin the
gravity uv the fcitoashen, and felin the
importance uv its ackshen, declares that it
never will stand it, that it will never sub
mit to this outrageous interference with its
rites ; that it will never consent to the
inograshen uv an Ablishnist, but will take
up arms, and never lay em down till the
last vestige of Radikclim is wiped out.
Ilesohtd, That the Corners is for war,
and that whether the Dimocrisy uv the
North submits or not, it never will.
Resolved, That we accept no compro
mise, but we will hev all we claim or fite.
Resolved, That what we want is a South
ern Republic, and a divorce forever from
the North, sich cz wuz contemplatid in'
18G1, and for which we struggled till we
wuz overcome by the power of the hordes
wich Liukin hurled upon us.
These resolooshens wuz passed yoonani-
mously, aud three cheers and a tiger wuz
given with a fcrver that showed that the
old war sperit hed survived, and that all
that was necessary wuz an oppertoonity.
Just at that minit Joe Digler rose and
desired to make a few remarks. A native
uv Kentucky he shood go with his state,
bat be questiened the wisdom uv goin. Ef
we secede agin, who is to pay the south
ern war claims? He understood there wuz
suthin over 200,000 uv em in the Cor
ners alone, and cf yoo cut off the North,
who is to pay em?
Bascom growd pale and bitched oneasily
in his scat.
And then agin he eposed the bretbern I
STROUDSBURG, MONROE COUNTY, PA., FEBRUARY 8, 1877.
wich wuz a thirstin for goar, fondly im
agined thct ef we hed a republik uv our
own thct every one uv em wood hev a post
offis, and a collectorship. Fatal delocsiou?
The moment seceshn was established aud
the noo government formed, ther wood be
an influx uv Northern Dimocrats down
here, who wood take every place in the
gift uv the government. Fernaudy Wood
will come
The meet in howled.
Dirty shirt Dean wood come
More howls.
Little Sammy Cox wood come
Increased howlin.
The hundreds uv thousands wich ex
pects offis under Tilden wood come, the re
pesters wood come, the literary burow
wood move down here, and wat chance
wood we hev, with sich strangers in our
gates. And think uv Trumbull, uv Par
mer, think uv that vast army wich hev
bin in a minority iu the North so long, all
a rushin down, here, like grasshoppers in
Nebrasky 1 The Ablishnist you kin shoot,
but yoo can't shoot yer friends. My frend
Rascom, think of hevin a hundred Nasbys
all a goin on tick in place uv wun, and then
think uv the poor South bciu taxed to sup
port cm all.
Rascom hurriedly left the house.
There wuz a deep silence fell onto the
house, and for a minnit every man uv us
wuz wrapped in thot. Rigler resoomed :
''Think uv being taxed for your own
clames, and colleckshun bein enforced by
bayonets! A Southern bayenet hezjest
cz peekid an end cz a Northern wun,
aud"
This prospect finished cm. With one
prolonged howl, they rose cz one man, and
glided out uv the house. And afterward
in Rascom's they wuz a talkin uv the ad
vantages uv yooyun, aud swearin that
nacher intendid the two seckshuns to live
in harmony, and that ef the Northern
Dimocrisy wantid war they wood hev to
make it. I don't suppose I kin ever git
them people into a mcetin agin.
Petroleum N. Nasby,
Ex-Reformer.
THE DEVIL'S OWN.
A MAN MURDERS HIS WIFE WHILE KNEEL
ING AT PRAYER THE HUSBAND ELOI'ES
WITH HIS WIFE'S SISTER THE GUILTY
PARTY LYNCHED AND CREMATED BY
THEIR NEIGHBORS THE DETAILS OF
THE HORRIBLE AFFAIR.
From the St. Joseph Mo., Herald.
Albert Kline came in this evening from
Iowa and reports the particulars of a
horrible tragedy which occurred on Friday,
the 13th ult., near the banks of Platte
River. About one year ago Phil. Ames
moved into that neighborhood, bringing
with him a wife, a little child and" his
sistcr-in law. He secured a small piece of
land, and erected upon it a neat two-story
dwelling. For a time all things appeared
to go on nicely inside the family mansion,
but it soon became evident to those who
grew intimate with the Ameses that there
was a skeleton in the house, and that all
was not lovely as it should be. There was
a coldness growing up between the husband
and wife, only equalled by an apparent
warmth existing between the husband and
the sister-in-law. The neighboring women
noticed that the wife appeared often in
tears, was neglected and left unprovided
for, while her sister received the smiles
and caresses of the husband. Whole days
tne wile passed alone, having no company
save the child, a bright, golden-haired girl
of five summers who clung to her, and in
whose existence she appeared to live and
have her being. At lentgh, on the 10th
of November, the little girl sickened ar"4
suddenly died. It was buried the next
day a rude country burial, a bitter cold
north wind, leafless trees, and a cheerless
grave, crushed the mother's spirit and
broke her heart. Then it was that the
spirit of Cain appeared to take possession
of the husband. He frequently beat his
wite, drove her from his bed and forced
her to occupy a miserable straw and husk
pallet on the kitchen-floor, while the sister
occupied the place which belonged to her.
At length the wife, driven to despair, told
the story of her wrongs to Mrs. Rosa
McGuirc, and she laid the situation in the
Ames household before her husbu'arid, and
he soon had the men of the neighborhood
worked to the point of lynching the
unnatural husband. They 'visited the
house, and would have hung the monster,
but for the pleadings of his wife, who went
down on her knees before the angry crowd
and the life of the man who had so wronged
her, while her sister at the' first sound of
danger had sought safety in flight. The
neighbors listened to the poor woman's
appeal, removed the rope from the man's
neck and set him free. To any but a man
possessed by a devil this would have proved
a warning that would have turned him into
better ways. Rut not so with Ames.
Scarcely had the crowd dispersed when
he went to the barn, saddled his horcs,
and returned to the house with a heavy curb
bridle. Up stairs kneeling and at prayer,
with a photograph of her dead child in her
hand, he found his wife. In an instant he
struck her to his feet with the bit, dragged
her to the head of the stairs and threw her
to the floor below, where he continued to
beat her with the bridle until life had
departed. In the meantime the sister re
turned from her hiding-place. Another
horse was saddled, the body of the dead
woman was thrown across the saddle, the
sister ridiug one horse and leading the
other. Ames walked alongside and held
the body in position until they arrived at
the river, where a hole was cut in the ice
and the body thrust outi of sight. Ayoting
man returning home saw the nartios ionr.
neying to the river, and when he reached
the settlement told what he had seen. A
number of armed men started in pcrsuit,
and arrived at the river bank just as the
murderer and his paramour were mount
ing their horses. They were called upon
to halt, when Ames drew a revolver and
fired into the crowd. The fire was retunred
by a volley and the guilty woman fell dead
from her horse, shot through the neck.
The man put spurs to his horse and at
tempted to escape in the dark, but a
fortunate shot brought his animal down
and the murderer was captured. A rope
was provided and all necessary arrange
ments made for a frontier funeral, when
the wretched man made a confession, the
chief points of which are incorporated in
the above statement; and he further stated
that the sister of the wife had administered
poison to the little niece, in order to get
her out of way, and that they were planning
the murder of the wife, that they might
live unmolested together. In this they
were prevented by the mob of a few hours
before, and that they killed the wife as
above stated. The rope was thrown over
a limb, strong men pulled at the end of
it, and the next instant a quivering body
was suspended in air. A number of logs
were then rolled together, brush was piled
upon them, and the bodies of the inhuman
being placed iu their midst. A match was
applied to the pile, and all that now re
mains to mark the spot and the tragedy is
a bed of;ishes. The body of the murdered
woman was recovered on Saturday and
buried by the side of her dead child.
A Revival Incident.
Simon Stringer was a bluff old farmer,
who prided himself upon being a plain,
mattcr-of fact man, about whom there was
no foolishness or sentiment. On more than
one occassion he had mortified his wife and
daughters by hustling them out of religious
meetings when they had begun to show
signs of emotion. He said he didn't be
lieve in "mirakerlusconvershuns," and tl at
people who cried and yelped over getting
religion "wasn't gcttin it by a dumed
sight." " He believed that the genuine
article was soothing and calming, and not
exciting in it influence.
Once the held a protracted meet
ing in his neigborhood, and as it was carried
on without sudden outbursts of feeling,
Simon too kindly to it, and attended re
gularly. On Sunday morning he proceeded
to lay him out two suits of clothes.
"Why, Simon," exclaimed his wife in
her shrill tone, "whatever do you want of
too suits of clothes t
"That's my business, not yours," he re
plied gruffly. ''You lay out my black suit
for me to put on, and wrap up the brown
one in a bundle, and don't ask any foolish
questions."
His wife wondcringly, silently complied,
and Simon donned one suit, with the other
under his arm, and mounted his horse and
went away, followed by the anxious eyes of
!. I 1 c. i i
me oig aim nine stringers, wno marveled
greatly, and said one to another : "What's
dad going' to do with his other clothes?"
Simon didn't return till supper time. He
took his place at the supper table, which
was the usual signal for the family to begin
an on slaught upon the victuals, but on this
occasion his voice arrested evei y arm in its
descent, and for the second time that day,
astonished the Stringers. Glancing around
the startled circle, he thus delivered him
self: "I want it understood that the head of
this household has this day'been baptized.
He is a follower of the meek and lowly
Jesus, and the first critter at this table
that dips into anything before a blessin' is
asked will get snatched baldheaded. Drop
your eyes, ye heathens."
The blessing was asked, and the meal
was eaten in 6ilence.
After the chores were done, the String
ers were stringing off to bed, when the
stern' voice of the old man again arrested
them, and filled their minds with grave
forebodings as to what was coming next.
He addressed them as follows :
"Come into this room every devil of you,
and flop down on your knees. It is my
duty as a devout Christian to have family
worship, and I'll ha?c it too, and have re
spectful attention, or I'll bust some domes
tic ties assunder. This mansion must re
sound with praises to the Most High, or it
will resound with some one gettin'a of
a thrashin' I mean bein' severly chastised.
The first one. who snickers or makes any
onsecmly noise, I'll get up and throw a
cheer through him or her, as the case may
be. Let us pray."
The prayer was prayed, and never was
there' a more attentive audience.
This sort of thing continued about two
weeks, and the Stringer family was kept in
a state of extreme misery. The youugtr
members had been several times severely
whipped for conduct unbecoming the child
ren of a- tree believer, and the older ones
had received such harsh reprimands for
failing to fall into the order of things and
comport themselves with true dignity.
Then one morning Simon came in- with
a bad limp, a battered milk pail and the"
knees of his pants torn.
Dropping into a chair at the table, he
plunged his fork Into the nearest dish. The
children looked up from the backs of their
plates, questionably, and their mother
ejaculated :
"Wy, Simon I
"Shut up, and eat F He growled, and
then in a few moments added :
irTli!ts Klc!n' onit'nrr!ii' hnt?nrca Jc cne
X Ill's UibCUlii ut.v. fa v. j p hv...j . u cuo
pended for h while. I don't forget my oh-
resume 'cm arter conquered thatdol dinged
red beifer. The 'tarnal critter prcsooms
too much on my Christian furbearance.
Durn a hyprocrite 1 I won't pray when
my soul ain't onto it. It's too great a
strain. Fur the time bein' I have decend
cd from grace. Pass the tomattusses."
A sigh of relief went round the circle,
and if the red beifer had known how she
had risen in the esteem of a majority of
the Stringers, her fractious soul would have
leaped for joy.
That was several years ago, and now the
red heifer is a cow, and the worst one in
the neighborhood. The Stringers say, as
they punch and plague her, "As long as
we keep old Red wild, dad won't git any
more of that awful relijun."
They Carried it Too Far.
Mr. Rutterwiek called in to sec us the
other day, and in the course of the con
versation he said :
"I'm going to move. I can't staud those
Thompsons next door to me any longer.
They're the awfullest people to borrow
things that I ever saw. Coffee and butter
and sugar and flour I don't mind so much,
although wheu a woman borrows high
priced sugar and Java coffee and sends
back sand and chickory, a man naturally
feels mad. Rut they've borrowed prett
near everything in the house. First it's
one thing, then it's another, from morning
till night, right straight along.
"Now, there's the poker. A poker is a
piece of machinary that you would think
anybody might go around and buy, or, if
they couldn't afford it, they might use a
fence paling to shake up the fire. Rut
Mrs. Thompson seems to hanker after our
poker. She borrows it fifteen or twenty
times a day, and last Saturday she sent for
it thirty-four times. She pays a boy two
dollars a week to run over and borrow that
poker, and she's used it so much that it's
all bent up like a corkscrew.
"Now, take chairs for instance. She
asks us to lend her our chairs three times
a day, at every meal, and she borrows the
rocking chair whenever she wauts to put
the baby to sleep.
"A couple of times she scut over for a
sofa, and when the boy came back with it
he said Mrs. Thompson was very mad, and
kept growliug round the house all day be
cause there were no castors on it. Last
Monday she borrowed our wash boiler,
and we had to put off our washing till
Tuesday. She did her preserving in it,
and the consequence was all our clothes
were full of preserved peaches. I've got
on an undershirt now that I'm mighty
doubt lul if I II ever get off, it s stuck to me
so tight.
"Every now and then she has cotr.piriy,
and them she borrows our hired girl and
all the parlor furniture ; once, because I
would not carry the piano over for her, and
take down the chandelier, she told the girl
that there were rumors about town that I
was a reformed pirate.
"Perfectly scandalous ! They think
nothing of sending over after a couple of
bedsteads or the entry carpet, and the
other day Thompson says to me :
" 'Rutterwiek, does yonr pump log pull
up easy ?'
"Aud when I said I thought it did, he
said :
" 'Well, I would like to borrow it for a
few days till I can get one, for mine's all
rotted awa'.'
"The only wonder to me is that he didn't
try to borrow the well with it.
"And then on Tuesday Mrs. Thompson
sent that boy over to know if Mrs. Rutter
wiek wouldn t lend her our front door.
She said theirs was. away being painted,
and she was afraid the baby would catch
cold. When I asked him what he sup
posed we were going to do to' keep comfor
table without any front door, he said Mrs:
Thompson said she reckoned we might tack
up a bed-quilt or something. And when
I refused, the boy said Mrs. Thompson told
him if t wouldn't send over the front door,
to ask Mrs. Rutterwiek to lend her a pair
of striped stockings and a horse-hair bustle,
aud to borrotf the coal scuttle till Monday.
"What she is going to do with a bustle
and a coal scuttle I can't conceive.
"13t they're the most extraordinary
people ! Last fourth' of July the boy came
over and told Mrs. Rutterwiek that Mrs.
Thompson would be much obliged if she'd
lend her the twins for a few ininutcs. Said
Mrs. Thompson wanted 'cm to suck a new
bottle top, because it made her baby sick
to taste fresh India rubber ! Cheeky, wasn't
it ? Rut that's her way.
"Why, I've known her fo take off our
Johnny's pants when he's been playing over
there' with the children', and send him
home bare legged to tell his mother that
she borrowed them for a pattern. And on
Thompson's birth-day she said her house
was so small for a party that if we'd lend
her ours we might come late in the even
ing and dance with the company, if we
wouldn't let on that we lived there.
"Yes, sir ; I'm going to move. I'd
rather live next door to a lunatic asylum
and have the maniacs pouring red hot thot
over the fence every hour of the duy.
Indeed I would." Max Adder.
A promising youth of only seven sum
mers', who had beerr aecased of riot always"
telling the truth, cross examined his father.
"Father, did you use to lie when you
were a boy?" "No, my son," said the
paternal, who evidently did not recall tire
past with" any distinctness. "Nor mother,
either ?" persisted the young lawyer. "No,
but why?" "Oh because I don't see how
two people who never told a lie could have
a boy that tells a3 many au I do.
NO. 35.
The Careful Man.
Soon after noon yesterday a .stranger
entered a Woodward avenue hardware
store and aslccd if they kept shingle riai'li
there. Reing informed that they had a
dozen kegs on hand, he further inquired :
'Arc' thoy genuine shingle nails, or only
imitations?' .
'They are shingle nails", of course.'
'Let me see them.'
A handful was placed on the counter
before him, and he took several nails to
the door, where he could get a stronger
light. After scanning them thoroughly,
he tested two or three between his teeth,
tried to bend them between his fingers and
said :
'Well, they seem to be all right arid I'll
take five pounds. I don't want to appear
captious, but I bought some shingle nails
along here about a month ago, carried:
them home, and what do you suppose they
turned out to be.?'
'Six pennys?' answered, the clerk.
'No, sir. They were shoe pegs, sir I'
'That was strange,' mused the clerk.
'And another time when' I ordered
shingle nails,' continued the straiigcr 'the'
clerk put up fuur stove handles, three
nutmeg graters aud a coffee mill. Can I
build a cow shed out of coffee mils ? Can
I shingle a barn with stove handles? Cart
I clapboard a house with nutmeg graters?
'Curious mistake,- that,' said the clerk.
Another time,- when I aked for shingle
nails, they put me' up four corn poppers
and a match safe. These things have
sunk deep into my foul, and you musn't
blame me for seeming particular. Now,
these ave nail, arc they ?'
'Of course.'
'Shingle nails ?'
'Yes, sir .
'J ust write it on this card and give me
your name, the name of the firm, the num
ber of . this store and the date of the
month.'
I dont want to make trouble, but if I
find when I get home, that you have put
me irp batb-bricfc and harness straps" in
the place of shingle nails, I'll come back
here and make it warm for you:
A Schoolboy's Revenge;
Judge Pitman's boy Rill acquires learn
ing in a log schoolhousc. At one' place the
plaster between the logs is broken away,
and through' this aperture Rill endeavored
to escape feet foremost during school hours
one day last Summer. Unfortunately, he'
stuck fast when half way through, and he
could neither return nor retreat. Wherr
the attention of Mr. Simes, the teacher
was directed to the culpurt, Mr. Simes pro
ceeded to the interior of the edifice and
embraced the opportunity afforded by
William's position to hammer with a:
shingle. Then young Mr. Pitman- was
pulled out and plunged into sums in vulgar
fraction. Near the school house there is a
millrace, at the end" of which there is" a
sluice gate. Immediately .below the gate'
there is a huge, deep tank, which carries
the water to the wheel. The inside of the
tank is" green and slimy, and when the wa
ter is drawn carefully out of it a great many
fish can often" be found lying in1 the bottom.
The tank ra fifteen feet deep. A few days
after the flogging Rill happened to pass the'
tank and looked in. He saw 31 r. Simes at
the bottom picking up fish and puttin
them in a bag. William felt that the hour
Of vengeance had struck. He turned the'
handle of the sluice gate, and in less than
a minute that jolly old pedagogue was flun
dering in six feet of water, trying in vain
to clamber up the slimy sides' of the tank.
When he saw you'ng Pit man he shrieked
to him for help. Rut Bill, with a fiendish
coo'ness, said : "No, sir ; you've got to tread
water till you .promise never to lick me-"
again." Then Simes solemnly pledged him
self never to strike another blow at him,
aud Rill let the water from the tank and
helped Simes out. That night when Rill
got home' he found Simes there conversing
with the judge, and five minutes later the"
judge was fondling William with a trunk
strap, while Simes sat by and smiled.
William has since expressed the opinion
confidentially that Simes is a perfidious
scoundrel. Western Paper:
Unpatented but Efficent.
A roving agent stopped- at' old Si's house
on Friday.
"Ah, sir, I am' introduin'g to the citizens
a new and excellent paterit fire kindler."
He sat down a tin bucket and prilled out
one of his turpentine swabs.
"Wha, der yer call dat?" saked old Si.
'That sir, is my patent fire kindler,
which largely facilitates the operation of "
"An' yer wants ter sell me one ob dem
tings?" .
"Yes, sir, I should like to."
"Im 'bleeged ter yer fer de kin ncss, but
yer see Fro got a eight year ole gal in disv
house' d it's got dat fire-kindlin' contrack,
an, dis kesh right ban' ob mine ferliseratcs
de operiishvws- wheneber dar's a falliu' off
ob'd'e wiHin'ncss."
The agent decamped, and old Si turned
around- ttr remark r
"Long ez'dar's light'ood in Gcorgie an
marrcr in de ole man's bones he ain't gwine
ter freeze ter death for de want of aturpy
time fire starter."
A FEMALE Colorado poet writes of her
first-born iu this wise :
Tiddy ickle toolsey turn,
Why does it such faces make ?
Is a pin a-Mickinj in it?
Kaa it get a rusimic schs?"
r