III
HENRY A. PARSONS, Jr., Editor and Publisher.
NIL DESPERANDU!.'
Two Dollars per Annum.
VOL. VI.
HIPGAVAY, ELK COUNTY, PA.,MlIUESI)AY, MA11CH 1G, 1870.
NO. 4.
Ill the Depth. "
Tlioro is a solenri
graveyrl whoro mortal-)
novt-r troacl,
Wbera stand no marble mo.minentg to mark Uie
UHnuI.8fl dpfcd.
Eaoh elcerer tak?s bis plaoo alono, uuscenof
m rial ojoi",
And no man know Lis resting place, norgueps-
ttU whore bo lios.
No sal array of maimers cinvcys tliem to
thtir rr et (
No wcllh of earthly blos-oms is laid upou
thoir brea-.t.
lint never yot was graveyard S3 quiet and
aerour-,
No ohnrchyard balf so peaceful, no hillfide
balf so greon j
No noiHe disturbs the sleepers, no light, nor
careless tread,
No tho;tg'it!o laugh n ir mocking word can
reach these quiet dead.
Deep dawn vlir-rn rnd'ohB tilrnce reigns tlio
weary pilgrims rest
The wanderers whom old ooean has gathered
to lier bri-att,
SIMPSON OF BUSSORA.
THE STORY OP THE MAN WITH
FOUR WIVES.
One of the quietest and best fellows
ever knew and I have known him nil
my life was Simpson of Bussora. I was
at school with him five-and-forty years
Bgo, and though his house of business
is at n distant place, I had met him
from time to time during his periodical
visits to this country, and always found
him unohaiiged gentle, . unassuming
modest, ana orthodox in 1113 opinions
Our house does u little business with
him in hhawls and carpets, but our ac
quaintance is maiuly social. My wife
and daughters arr very partial to him.
and delight in his Persian tales, which
are p.cturtsque and lull of local color,
He brings them little bottles of scent,
which perfume the whole neighbor
hood, and now and then a scarf that is
the envy of their friends. I never en
tcrtained any idea of Simpson as a son
in law uulil my wifoLut it into mv head
He lived too far away for me to picture
uim in sncrt a relation, and though
knew he had made money, I did not
think he had made enough to return
homo and settle, His income was a
very hundsome one; but living at Bus
sora, he had given mo to understand.
was dear, and did not odmit of much
saving. Above all, Simpson struck mo
as by no means a marrying man. When
ever tne snojecc or matrimony was
mooted, he always smiled in that dry,
cynical way which proclaims tho con
firmed bachelor. Household matters
did not interest hi in; ha did not tako
much to children; ho would smoke until
tho small hours of the morning, and
raise his eyebrows when one said it was
late, and perhaps one s wifo might be
Niiting up. jae wouia say, "iveaiiyr
as though such an idea an one's wife sit
ting up for ono was preposterous, but
could never concern mm.
. I need not go into tho causes which
led to my conversing with Simpson on
the subject of matrimony. . Suffice it to
eay that I did not do so of my own free
will. I had received instructions from
my wifo to "sound" Simpson on the
matter, with relation to some "ideas
that she had got into her head with re
spect to our second daughter, Jane, and
"tohearwa3 to obey," as they say at
Bussora.
" My dear aimpson, said I, as we
were cracking our walnuts together
iiiter a mtie dinner under my own roof,
" l often wonder why a man like you
with a large iucomo and a fine houso,
us you describe your home to be at Bus-
soru, has never married. It must lw
rat. or wretched living out there all
uloue.
" Well, it would be, no doubt," said
Simpson, in his quiet way. " But, Lord
bless you! I've been married these
tweuty years."
lou might hare knocked me down
with a feather. "Married these t won1 y
years ! You astonish me. Why, how
was it you never spoke about it i
"Oh, I don't know; I thought it
wouidn t interest you. bhe was a Per
sian, you know. If she had been a
European, then I should have told you "
A Persian wife 1 Dear me," said I,
"how funny it seems!" I said
"funny," but at the same time all the
: ... T 1 . i;
ouajiiuuiia mm eiiiei laiuen respecting
travelers and persons who abjure civili
zation crowded into my mind. "Now,
what color, my dear Simpson, if I may
, put the question without impertinence,
are your children ?"
"Well, we've got no children," said
.Simpson, in his usual imperturbable
tone. "We never had any."
I don't quite know why, but somehow
or other I thought this creditable to
Simpssn. It was very wrong in him to
hava married a Persian, perhaps a lire
worshiper, or at best a Mohammedan,
. but it was a comfort to think that the
evil had, so to speak, stopped there
To think of Simpson with a heap of partly-colored
children, professiug, perhaps,
their mother's outlandish faith as they
grew up, would have been painful to me,
in connection with the fact that Simpson
was at that moment under my roof, the
same roof with my wife and daughters,
and that I was the church warden of our
district church, I forsook at onoe the
particular subject of Simpson's wife to
discuss the general subject of polygamy.
" The Persians have more wives than
one, havo they not ?" inquired I.
" Those who can afford it have," suid
he; " but it is not so usual as you may
imagine."
"I need not ask how so profligate a
system must needs work," said I. " It
is a domestio failure, of course ?"
" You ueod not ask the question, as
you say," replied Simpson, cracking a
walnut. " But if you do ask. I am
bound to say it is so far like marriage in
this country it is sometimes a domestio
failure add sometimes not. Perhaps it
requires more judgment iu selection;
you have not only to please yourself.
you know, but to please your other
wives."
Goodness gracious I" said I, " how
coolly you talk about it I I nope no
European who happens to bo a resident
in this strange community ever gives in
to me custom r
" Some do and some don't," whs tho
reply of Simpson. I lived iu Persi
with ono wifo for fifteen years before
gave in."
" What ! you married a second wife,
your nrsj wito being aiiver
" Just so," wat the unabashed rejoin
drr. Simpson swtpt the walnut sheila
into a coiner of his plate, and holpod
himself to sherry. " I have now four
wives.
"Bless my soul and body 1" said I.
" J.' our wives!
" Yes. The story of my little menage
may seem iu your ears rather curious.
If it will not bore you, I'll toll you about
it.
I had no words to decline the offer,
even ir i wisned it. Aiy breath was
fairly taken away by Simpson's four
wives. The traveler that had liked his
food uncooked had given me rather
turn, but that was nothing to this reve
lation ot my present companion; a man
we nad always considered of tho high-
est respectability, and whom my wifo
had even thought would have suited our
Jane.
" Well, it was at a picnic party on the
plains near Bussora that the thing first
came about. My wife and I were both
present at it ; and my European notions
preventing my believing there could be
the least misunderstanding about it,
since l was already married, I made my
self very agiceable to a oertaiu Persian
lady. She was neither young nor pretty
just use wnatmy wiie nerselt, indeed,
had grown to be by that time and I no
more thought of making her my No. 2
than dear me ! of embracing Moham
medanism. My attentions, however,
were misconstrued : and her brother.
being a violent man in the shah's cavalry.
and knowing I had a fairish income, in
sisted upon my becoming his brother-in-law.
I spare you the trouble that
ensut d. Between my No. 1 wifo on the
one hand, and her sharp tongue, and the
officer of Spahis on the other, with his
sharp sword, 1 was placed in a very bad
position, I promise you ; but in the end
I mnrried Khaleda. I am sorry to say
the two ladies got on extremely ill to-
geiuer. it was said by a great fjuglisu.
wit that when one's wife gets to be forty,
one ought to be allowed to change her
for two twenties, like a forty-pouud
note, and I dare say that would bo very
nice ; but, unhappily, I had now two
wives, each forty, if they were a day,
and there was no prospect of getting
them changed, or parting from them iu
any way.
'Tiiouze and Khaleda led me a most
unhappy life. They quarreled from
momii-K to night, and so far from beinc
able to play off one against the other, as
I had secretly hoped, I was treated with
great unkiudness by both of them. They
wuro a Hint tor ot very considerable ex ¬
pense, of course, and very little satis
faction. My position, in fact, becamo
intolerable; and as I oould pleafc neither
of them, I resolved to please myself by
" A twenty, 1 suppose?" said I. int r-
eBted in spite of myself in this remark
able narration.
" Well, yes: that is. sho would have
been a twenty in England, but in Persia
young ladies marry a good deal earlier.
She was a charming creature, and cost
me"
" What ! did you buy her ?" cried I.
in astonishment and horror.
Well, no, not exactly: her father.
however, insisted upon something hand
some, and there wereheavyish fees to bo
paid to tier mother, and sisters, and to
the governor of Bussora. Tha custom
of the country is curious in that respect.
After one's second wife a considerable
tax is levied by tho government upon
marrying men. However, Badoura was
worth all the money; she sang, she
played divinely; that is, she would have
done so if bho had not been always cry
ing. Pirouze and Khaleda made her
life utterly iniserablo. Hitherto they
had been at daggers drawn with one an
other, but now they united together to
persecute the unhappy Badoura. Her
very life was scarcely safe with them.
Wretched as my former lot had been, it
was now become uueiiduvable, for one
can bear one's own misery better than
that of thoso we love."
Here Simpson took out his handker
chief, of a beautiful Persian pattern, and
pressed it to his eu-s. " Yes, my dear
friend, they led my Badoura a dog's life
did these two worn' n. I felt myself
powerless to protect her, for I was never
very strong; and though I did not
understand one-half of tho epithets they
showered upon her, I conld seo by the
effect they had upou her that they were
most injurious what I have no doubt
would in this country be considered
actionable. For her, however, there
was no remedy, and I think she would
have sunk under their persecution, had
not married Sobeide."
" No. 4 1" said I. aghast. " What on
earth did you do that for '("
" I married Zobeide solely and wholly
for Bidoura's sake. I choose her, not
for her beauty, her virtues, nor her ac
complishments, but entirely for her
thews and eiuows. I said to her: 'Zo
beide, you are a strong and powerful
youug woman; if 1 make you my wifo,
will yon protect my lamb?' and sho
said : 'I will.' It was the most satis
factory investment I mean, the hap
piest choice I ever made. My home is
now the abode of peae. In one wing
of the house abide Pirouze and Khaleda.
in the other Zobeide and Badoura; two
on mo east sine pna two on the west.
Each respects the other; for although
Pirouze aud Khaleda are strong females,
and could each wring the neck of my
dear Badoura, Zobeide is stronger than
both of them put together, and pro
tects her. Thus the opposing elements
are, as it were, neutralized; the oombat
ants respect one another, and I am the
Head of a united house. l got letters
from all of my four wives this morning,
each ot them most characteristic and in
teresting; Badoura forgot to pay the
postage she has a soul above pecuniary
details and her letter was the dearest
of all."
"Don't cry, Simpson," said I
don't cry, old fellow. The steamer
goes ou Tuesday, and then you will see
all
your wives again. They will wel
come you with outstretched arms eight
outstretched arms, like the octopus."
I confess I was affected by my friend's
artless narration, at that time, though,
since I havo reflected upou the matter,
my moral sense has onoe more asserted
itself, and is outraged. I state the mat
ter os fairly a I can. I have been to
picnics myself, as a married man, and
made myself agreeable to the ladies.
Well, iu Persia this might have cost me
my lifp, or tho expense of ft second estab
lishment. So far thero is every excuso
for Simpson. But, on the othor hand,
the astounding fact remains that there are
four Mrs. Simpsons at Bussora. When
ever I look at his quiet, businesslike
face, or hear him talking to my wife and
the girls abont Persian scenery, this
revelation of his strikes me anew with
wonder. Of, course -1 have not told
them about . his domestio relations ; it
would be too great a shock to their re
spective Bystems j yet the possession of
such a secret all to myself is too hard to
bear, and I have, therefpre, laid it be
fore the public. The whole thing re
solves itself into a rulo-of-three sum.
If even a quiet, respectable fellow like
Simpson, residing at Bussora, has four
wives, how many wives well, I don't
mean exactly that ; but how much
queerer things must people do who are
not so quiet and respectable as Simpson,
ana wno live still iurtner on f
Bosbee, the Tourist,
They called him John Bosbee. Ho
looked like one of the family, and
probably gave his name to the Detroit
J&ee Prest police court correctly. Care
f ul judges of second-hand clothing esti
mated his maseup as follows :
Ooat aud vest 20o
Other garments 15o
boots and hat 10c
Total 45c
He was strong and robust, stout and
lazy, and he took matters very coolly.
i beuove X was drunk." he replied
to tne charge.
" And you are also a vagrant, ob
served the court.
" Isn't there any difference between a
tourist and a vagrant f queried Bos
bee. "I'm a traveler, sir: I have
visited the principal cities of Europe
and am now maning a tour of America.
(innK wnisuy by tne advice of one
of the most eminent physicians of
Europe.
" Umph I remarked the court.
"lou have a very beautiful city
here," continued the tourist. "It re
minds me very forcibly of the island
of St. Helena. I reached here yester
day, and will probably remain a week-or
two.
" I shouldn't be surprised if you re
uiahied hero three months," said his
honor. " I'll send a man to show you
ono of our largest city and State institu
tions, and I thiuk you'll stop there till
spring comes.
" Do vou hint at imprisonment ? '
asitea tuo tourist.
" That's just what I'm hinting at."
"Isn't this rather arbitrary ?" inauired
tne stranger. " 1 got drunk in Palestine,
and no ono said auything. I got drunk
in Constantinople, and was invited to
deliver a lecture. I got drunk iu Ediu
burgh, and was invited to a game sup
per. It hardly seems possible that you
will interrupt my tour aronnd the world
merely for the sake of filling up your
prisons ! .
" Yon 11 realize it when you get up
there, Mr. Bosbeo. All the traveling
you'll do for tho next three months to
come won't raise any blisters."
"Am 1 sent up on account of my
looks r asked the prisoner.
His honor motioned him into the cor
ridor.
" Because, if my looks havc?sent me
to prison what what!
Ho might have got six months if
Bijah hadn't hurried him away so fa6t
Something about Evergreens.
Evergreens, say3 the Aarloulturist,
are very useful for their timber, their
cheerfulness in wiuter, and especially
for the fact that as wind-breaks they aro
a eueeuvo iu winter as in summer.
They are less planted than thoy would
be reter there not a general idea that
they are difficult to manage!.-. j For gen
eral utility we place first the white pine,
a native which is always beautiful, grows
witn lair rapidity, aud 3 wood is more
generally useful than that of any other
tree; the supply is annually diminish
ing, while tho price in increasing. The
next most desirable species of pine for
tho planter is tho Scotch pine. This
mokes itself quite at home in this coun
try, and adapts itself to a great variety
of soil. Its wood is about as valuable
as that of the white. Norway spruce is
the most generally planted c vergreen in
this country. It is one of the best for
screens, as it is hardy and suited to near
ly all situations; its wood in Europe oc
cupies the same plaoo that white pine
does in this country. Arbor-vita) is a
native species, also valued for soreens;
it is more dense thau the Norway spruce,
and is of rather slower growth. The
wood, incorrectly called white cedar, is
durable. Bed cedar was at one time
highly praised as a desirable evergreen,
but its popularity has waned, and it is
at present justly regarded as inferior to
those we have named.
Did Not Want It.
A good story is told of Mr. James G.
Fair, one of the four stockholders who
control the celebrated "bonanza" mines
at Virginia City, Nevada, and who is
supposed to have an annual income from
that source of several hundred thousand
dollars a year. A theater troupe which
recently performed in Virginia city
visited the great mines. Mr. Fair, who
is the superintendent of the mines, at
tired in his well-worn blue flannel min
ing suit, escorted the visitors through
the different levels. On reaohing day
light once more, one of the company
offered a four-bit " piece to the oblie-
ing guide, with the remark: " Hero,
my man, we are much obliged to you."
The astonished superintendent declined
the coia. " Oh 1 take it," Baid the visi
tor, "and get a drink for yourself."
"Thank you, I don't believe 1 want it."
said Mr. Fair. " But, why not I" was
the rejoinder. What reason have
you!" Well," replied Mr. Fair,
" there is no particular reason, except
that I have six hundred and forty thou
sand dollars in the bank up there on the
hill that I can't for the life of me think
how to invest."
A STRUGGLE FOR LIFE.
A Dcapernte Kllil with Panther In Nurn
toan Coanty, N. T.
George Hinckley was at eleven o'clock
at night driving from Corinth to Conk
lingville, Saratoga oounty, N. Y., some
what belated. There was no moon and
tho road wa uncertain," owicg to tho
rough weather which had prevailed iu
that section for two weeks or moro. lie
was in a light cutter, well protected
from the cold by robes and blankets, and
was driving a spirited horso. - The road
lay through pome undergrowth of woods.
While tho horse was jogging along at a
moderate trot, suddenly-he . stopped,
threw his ears forward, gave a furious
snort and refused to go further. The
driver urged him ta go and finally strnck
him with a" haltef, the-'strap - end of
which was tied to the cutter in order to
prevent its dropping out and becoming
lost. The horse jumped forward in a
frightened manner, but before ho had
taken three steps a huge panther sprang
from behind a low evergreen close by
the track and leaped squarely into the
cutter. As it struck the cutter its fore
paws came with great ; force against
Hinckley's breast, and with one haul
with its powerful nails the man's clothing ,
was stripped clean from his skin.
.tlinckley had the halter with which
he had just struck the horse 6till iu his
hand, and instinctively ho laid it with
all his might over the head of his fierce
assailant. By one of the blows the head
stall was passed over the panther's head.
It being a slipping noose, the next effort
to strike drew the noose tight about the
panther's neck. Then a desperate hand-to-hand,
as it were, fight ensued. The
man struggled to throw off the beast,
but succeeded only so far as to prevent
it from fastening its powerful jaws upou
his now bare neck. The panther grabbed
the man's left arm, which it bit through
and through, the blood which flowed
only seeming to make it the more furi
ous. With the right arm Hinckley
tightened the slipping noose about the
animal's throat. So tight was it drawn
by that strength which comes of despera
tion that the panther was choked so that
it let go its hold on his arm aud gasped,
at the samo time stripping its victim of
clothing, and lacerating his skin with its
sharp claws. With the first spring of
the panther, accompanied as it was with
a wild, fierce growl, tho horse took
fright and ran at full speed, every leap
fairly lifting the cutter from the track.
Thus, while Hinckley was struggling
for life in the cutter, the horse was ruu
niug away. But this proved to be the
salvation of the driver; for iu making a
short turn in tho road the cutter was
overturned, dumping driver and panther
out upon tho frozen snow.' The momeut
they struck earth, howeverf they parted
company. One end of the halter being
foot to tho CYittnt fUid ihe-thp tight,
about the wild animal's neck, the latter
was mercilessly dragged after the flyiug
steed, its body jumping and bounding
along the road like a tin pan hitched to
a dog's tail.
Ihe running away of the horso saved
Mr. Hinckley's life. He was left by the
roadside, whence he in course of time
found his way to a house. The horse
ran till he got loose from tho cutter, aud
ho then went to Conklingville. The cut
ter, badly shattered, was found hclf a
mile from the spot where the panther
leaped from behind the bush. The ani
mal was dead, choked to death, and
badly bruised. It was a narrow escape,
and one of the most peculiar and des
perate struggles that ever occurred be
tween man and beast.
The Cheek of the Heathen Cliiuee.
One of the city guardians of Laramie
was standing on the corner of the street,
when a wild looking Chinaman came
rushing up, seizing him by the arm,
and said:
" You ketch um-saw ?"
"Hey?"
" You no savey; you ketch-um-saw-ee.
slaw-buck ee. You savey ?"
The officer was bewildered, and think
ing somo terrible crime had been com
mitted, endeavored to get the Celestial
to explain. John repeated over every
word of Euglish that he had ever learn
ed, yet still ho oould not mako himself
understood. Finally, he seized the offi
cer by the arm and saying, "come
'long, ' started off at a rapid pace, close
ly followed by tho tager official. They
went first to a washhouse, into which
the Chinaman looked, and then, with a
shake of the head, struck out again.
" Skipped out, has he y asked the
officer, as he pounded along, UBing every
endeavor to keep up with the cat-footed
Mongolian.
"Come along, we ketch um bime-by."
On they went at a rattling pace until
a house near the rolling-mill was reach
ed, iuto which John looked, und shak
ing his hand, dat-hed off ou the back
track.
"Where now ?"
"Come 'long," replied John, and on
they went.
They traveled all over the town and at
last reached a shanty near the round
house. The officer was by this time
nearly dead with fatigue and was cover
ed with perspiration. Going up to the
door John said:
"Now wo ketch-urn.
Ti inking there might be a desperate
crew inside the officer drew his revolver
and they entered the door. A small man
was sitting on the floor, and in him the
officer recognized "Jim," an English
Chinaman.
"What's the row, Jim?" he asked.
"He hunt me so I interpret what he
say."
" Well, what is it?"
The two Jabbered a minute and Jim
said:
'He want-ee borrow saw-buck, nu'
somebody tell-ee you lend um one."
"Haw-buck be hanged! Here lye
walked no less than ten miles after that
rice masbin' heathen, thinking a mur
der had been committed, or something
terrible had been done. You tell him
that if he ever speaks to me again I'll
mash him into the ground!" and he re
turned to his beat.
Sir George Elliott, who purchased the
Egyptian railroad for English capitalists,
was once a pit boy in the mines. He is
now the largest ooal proprietor in the
world, and a member of Parliament.
A DESPERATE DUEL.
An (Kit n:ory KetoM..The Flht In tho I'll.
it is now over thirty years since one
of tho moat remarkable, desperate, ond
murderous duels that ever took place in
this or any other country was fought in
Vieksburg. One of the parties was for
meriy a new lorlc boy, who was a
graduate ,"rom one the banks. After fill
ing all of the desks of that institution
with singular ability, from a collecting
clerk up to the position of first teller,
while still quite a young man he wasap-
pomted cashier of a bank in Vieksburg,
which gave offense and caused great
jealousy among the senior clerks of that
institution, and they took every oppor
tunity to oppose and insult him. ' This
became so marked and unbearable in its
character that tho president finally told
the cashier that ho must resent it, and
that he would stand by him. He had
an occasion soon after to give ono of
the tellers a specimen of his skill in the
art of self-defense. This resulted ia a
challenge for a duel, which . was accept
ed and wa fought after three days of
oonstant pistol practice, resulting in the
death of the teller. He had numerous
relatives that, ono after another, came
forward to avenge his death, until four
duels were forced upon the cashier from
the natural consequencea of the first
duel, and "still there were moro Rich
monds iu the field." A relative of the
first victim, an editor and successful
duelist, gave out a threat that he was
coming to town to avenge the death of
cousin. His great courage and desper
ate fighting qualities had been frequent
ly successfully tried, and were so well
known that something desperate must
be done to meet the emergenoy, and if
possible to stop any and all future chal
lenges. The editor arrived in town, and
lost no timo iu sending his message,
which was as promptly responded to.
Early in the morning of the same day
all of the arrangements were made for a
meeting at six o'clock the next morning.
After making some necessary arrange
ments in case of death, the cashier went
to bed, and slept until four a. m., hav
ing all this time forgot the almost wor
shipful love and devotion of his wife and
only child, who were in profound ignor
ance of his desperate enterprise. He
silently kissed them; aud then the hus
band and father stole away to attend to
the bloody business that he deemed im
perative, according to " the co8e of
honor " aud the loose morals of the in
habitants in that vicinity. He went forth
with a firm determination "to conquer
or die I" On arriving at the appointed
rendezvous, he found a trench dug six
feet deep, two feet wide, aud twolve feet
long. Into this double grave the two
principals desoended, each armed with
six-shooting navy revolvers, and having
bowie knives, with instructions to cora-
manoo Bring ot t.hn word, and advance
and finish the bloody work with their
knives, if the pistols failed to accom
plish it. At the first shot the editor was
mortally wounded. He drew his knife,
and with the ftrocity of a tiger, sprung
forward at his opponent, just as he had
fired his second shot. He warded off
the blow with his pistol, which had a
deep cut in it made by the heavy knife,
showing what a desperate blow had been
aimed at his life by his adversary, who
fell dead at his feet. The cashier's mind
was so much diseased that he could not
attend to business, aud by the advice of
his physician took a vacation and a
change of scene. He weut to Now York,
and died in a lunatic asylum a month
after.
" Three Fingers."
"John," called littlo Mrs. Pearson
after her husband as he left home in the
morning, " stop at French's and bring
mo three fingers of that new moyenage
lace aud a spool of white silk."
John braoed himself up and repeated
the message : " Three fingers of mil
liounge silk and a spool of white lace,"
then he saw a car coming and held up
threo fingers that ho might not forget
tho message while he hailed the driver.
As ho took his seat he murmured ab
sently : " Threo lingers of morning
papers, boy millionage," aud ho sub
sided into the paper, while he kept his
fingers extended in the air. When the
conductor camo around John stored fit
him find repeuted : " Three fingers,"
etc., but the conductor took him by the
collar aud told him to pay his fare. At
the office the clerk asked him a question
abont the day's business, but the only
answer he could get was: "Three
fingers of invoices ;" .vhen he wont to
lunch, he rushed into tho first restau
rant, aud, being past speech, could
only hold up three fingers, which the
obliging young man behind the counter
at once proceeded to pour out. When
John's wife saw him next he was hatless
and coatless, citting with a vacant ex-
Eresaiou of countonanca, behind the
ars of a cnll in the station, and a re
porter had just commenced to write :
" Murderer arrested ! Talks of nothing
else than the three fingers of his victim !
Horrible disclosures expected." The
little woman paid John's fine, and took
him home, whore he slept stupidly till
the next day, whoa he declared his coffee
must have been drugged.
Mrs. John says it's just what you
might expect of a man he never has
souse enough to carry a dry goods mes
sage without losing his balance 1
Rather Mixed Up.
The Oolden Rule copies a story from
the Boston 2raveller. to the effeot that
Rev. Mr. Murray, its editor, bore upon
his stalwart shoulder to his office a huge
branch of the old elm, and complains
thaf since the appearance of the story he
has been terribly beset by relic fiends
for pieces of the wood ; whereupon the
business manager of the paper states,
" that Mr. Murray wishes to use all the
wood himself ; second, that Mr. Mur
ray has giveu it all away ; and, third,
that Mr. Murray never got a piece of
the old elm, that he was out of town
that night, that the old elm is still stand
ing, and that the Oolden Rule office is
burned' to the ground, so that there is
no use iu coming aronnd ; besides he
had had it sawed into wooden mallets,
with which he will brain every man,
woman or child who attempts to asoend
the offloe stairs for any purpose other
than subscribing for the paper, so help
him George Washington.
THE DOSS SXOUER.
The Depoiiulator t Hotels and Donr4ln
Houses.
The Virginia (Nev.) Enterprise says:
After the fire old man Bullard found
lodgings on South O street. Ho got n
bed in a large room containing two other
beds that were occupied. Mr. Bullard
is a huge, fat, good-natured, and vary
entertaining man. Tho proprietor of
the lodging houso was much pleased
with Bullard, and laughed at his jokes
the first evening of his arrival at his
plaoo till tears ran down his cheeks. The
mou who were to bo Bullard's room
mates also thought well of him that
evening. The next morning, howovor,
they looked sad and red-eyed. Then
they went to the landlord and told him
that ho must find somo other placo for
Mr. Bullard, as he was such a terrible
snorer they couldn't stand him. Tho
landlord's rooms were all occupied, aud
he had no place for Bullard but just
where he was. The complaining lodgers
left and iu two or three days other men
were put into tho vacant bed. Bullard
mado short work of them; one night let
them out.
The landlord sought an interview with
Bullard and remonstrated with him.
Bullard stoutly assorted that he did not
snore had nevor been known to snore.
The laudlord had to give Bullard up as
a bad bargain and turned his attention
to looking up lodgers with which to fill
his vacant beds. He fonud men to tako
the beds, but again Bullard cleaned
them out iu a single night. Growing
desperate, the laudlord again went to
nullard. Me told him he must either
leave the house or pay rent for all tho
beds in the room $45 per month. Bul
lard said a bargain was a bargain ; he had
paid $15 for his bed and he intended
keeping it till his month was up, and ho
didn't propose to pay for beds he had no
use for; he didu t snore, and the mau
wtio asserted to the contrary was a "liar
and a horse thief 1" The landlord felt
very much depressed after this last in
terview with Bullard, as ho saw ho was
determined not to be removed from his
quarters. A morning or two after as
Bullard's laudlord was going down town
he saw standing in his door a brother
lodging house man.
"Thank Heaven he's gone I" said the
man, as Bullard's landlord camo up.
"Thank Heaven I am rid of him at
last !"
"Rid of whom?"
"Why, of the big fat man you see
yonder waddling down the (street."
"What of him?"
" Enough of him ! He cleaned nearly
every man out of my house before ho
loft. They wouldn't stop iu tho same
block with that snorting, Falstaffian por
poise, sir ! "
" He's a good one, is he ?"
"A good one ? v He's a perfect terror I
He's. more different kinds of a sntrer
than any man I ever heard, and every
time he changes his key it ia for the
worse. While I had him here crowds
were gathering in front of the house
nightly wondering what was the matter
within, and the police camo in one night
thinking some one was being murdered.
My dog ran away, aud all the cats left
the house."
"And the mau you pointed out to me
is that snorer?"
" Yes, sir, ho is, and may he burst !"
"Good-day, sir 1" and Bullard's land
lord hastened down the street.
The next morning, with the first peep
of day, Bullard, puffing and blowing,
rushed into the presence of his land
lord. "What are you trying to play on
me?" cried he; "I never slept a wink
all night. Of all the infernal noises I
ever heard that mau in my room got off
the worst. 13 he going to stay here ?"
"Stay f of course he is. Hain't he got
the bed for a month."
"Then I leave," and Bullard was as
good as his word.
Au hour afterward the man who had
ousted Bullard arose and waddled se
renely into the presence of the land
lord. "You've cleaned him out," said the
landlord. " You raised him ! he's gone
for good I " and the landlord gleefully
rubbed his hands. "Now," continued
the landlord, "I'll give you a good
breakfast, and then you can go."
" Go," said the fat man, " not much I
dou't. Didn't you say last evening in
the presence of Bullard and half a dozen
others that I was to stay here one
month?"
'But that you know was ouly to "
"I know nothing of the kind aud I
shall stay here 1 I am human; I must
have some place iu which to repose."
The landlord is now trying to get
some man to set up some kind of ma
chine in his house that will oust tho boss
snorer, who now has the whole place to
himself except a small room in a corner
of the third story where he aud his wife
spend their nights iu a miserable way.
The Origin of the Investigation.
The following is given by a Washing
ton letter as the origin of the Belknap
investigation: While in search for
house for his family ia December, B.
B. Lewis, of Alabama, was referred to
G. O. Armes, a real estate agent. Dur
ing their search for a house Mr. Armes
iu conversation stated to Mr. Lewis that
he had formerly belonged to tho army,
but was dismissed through the enmity
of Belknap; that if he had the assistance
of a member of Congress he could in
sixty days develop facts that would
force Belknap to resign. Mr, Lewis
tendered his assistance, and they subse
quently had several interviews. Mr.
Lewis, being impressed, sought the ad
vice of Mr. Raudall, who advised that
the facts be brought before Mr. Clymer,
chairman of the committee on expendi
tures iu the war department. Mr. Lewis
and Armes saw Mr. Clymer, and the
latter gave a list of witnesses, includ
ing Marsh. Afterwards Mr. Clymer
thought Armes was acting in bad faith,
as the secretary said Armes had pro
posed, if he were restored to the army
and certain other conditions complied
with, he would drop the matter. Mr.
Lewis said if Armes were seeking only
to levy blackmail of course they oould
have nothing to do with it, but advised,
as - Armes had furnished the names of
witnesses, that they be called and exam
ined, which was done.
I.OTP.
Kind hearts are the garden.
Kind thoughts are Hie roots,
Kind words are the bloseons,
Kind doed are the frnits.
Love is the sunshine
That warms Into life j
For onlyjn d:irknees
Grow hatred and strife.
Items ef Interest.
The butcher's bill of a single hotol in
New York averages $2,500 a week in the
winter season, and about $1,000 in the
summer.
The estimated area of Cuba is 34,800
square miles ; with its dependencies,
47,278. The area of New York State is
47,000 square miles.
A man in Santa Clara, California, two
years ago bought $2,000 worth of hogs.
He has since sold $12,000 worth and has
$8,000 worth on hand.
Soods of the mahogany tree sown
throe or four years ago ou the island of
Mauritius have already produced trees
twenty feot high, and from three to six
inches through the trunk.
Papa (concluding the fascinating
tale): "And he was turned into a
beautiful prince and married Beauty.-"
Minnie (after a pause): " Pa, were you
a boast before you married mamma ?'''
A three-year-old child sprung from the
arms of its mother standing at au opcu
window of a house in Providence, tho
other day, and fell twenty-six feet, but
struck on a baby carriage standing be
low tho window, and was not seriously
hurt.
Scene at church after the clergyman's
peroration : Julia to Xantippe " What
a beautiful close I" Xantippe (who hns
been spitefully eyeing a well dressed
lady before her) " Beautiful clothes ?
Yes; but I know she didu'l get 'em in a
beautiful woy."
A high Russian officer says that all
Chineso soldiers, officers, an well as pri
vates, aro morally degraded ; all, with
out exception, are addicted to the use of
opium ; and on account of their steal
ing propensities they ore a terror to
their own countrymen.
Dr. Hayford, of Laramie, who drew
up the woman suffrage law for tho
Wyoming Legislature, eay s thero are not
twenty-five people iu the Territory
who would now vote for its repeal.
Fights at tho polls, street brawls and
barroom rows never occur.
Bank catechism "Papa, what's a
safe ?" "A safe, my child, is a charitablo
institution iu which benevolent old peo
ple aud orphans lay up their money for
the use of sickly burglars in paving
hotel bills at Saratoga." "What's a
cashier?" " A cashier, my child, is a
signboard established by amiable bauk
directors to point out the way into the
safe."
One morning during the recent cold
weather Miss Lily refused to get up and
bo washed. Her aunt, who follows tho
modern mode of dealing with children,
and considers that they should always
bo argued with, but never mado to do as
they are bid, in vain exhausted her elo
quence in describing the excellencies of
purification, for tho infant logician fair
ly confuted her by this ingenious anti
thesis : " Aunt Mary, you do as you
like, and let me do as I like. You liko
to be clean aud cold, and I like to be
warm and dirty."
Fashion Notes.
Bows, sashes and loops are placed
on appropriato parts of the dress ad
libitum.
"Pu'l back" skirts and bustles a ia
Hottentot, are de rigeur in the world of
fashion.
French chemises aro of tho sack
shape, with sleeves cut with the body of
the garment.
Parisian lingerie rivals in cheapness
the productions of American garments
for underwear.
Percale, cambric, calico and lawn will
take the place of linen and batiste for
suits next summer.
Black silk sacks will be worn for street
wraps, cut very lorg and of similar
shape to those uow in voguo.
The new calicoes and cambrics for
spring wear have plain grounds show
ing stripes, checks, plaids, and dashes
of color.
For millinery purposes there are
basket woven, granite woven, and serge
silks in cream and all other fashionable
colors.
The latest thing in thimbles is a cap
piece of agate, onyx, or crystal inserted
in the top of the usual rim of silver or
gold.
White and cream colored cashmere
dolmans are shown for evening wraps,
covered with elaborate designs in tinsel
braids.
One deep, long pocket, either plaited
or gathered, appears on the left side
of nearly every imported costume tliis
spring.
Gros grain ribbons will be used in
trimming bonnets, but serge and basket
woven ones are also shown for that pur
pose. Box plaited ruffles and flounces are
preferred by modistes for stylish suits in
course of preparation for Easter Suiday
and after Lent.
Basques with Continental waistcoats,
worn over deep, round overskirts, and
long princess polonaises, are both fa
vorite styles for making up calico
dresses.
Fastidious ladies choose French per
cale, corresponding in weight with
Lonsdale cambric and French cambric,
in preference to any other material for
their lingerie,
Thb Newspaper. A newspaper is a
window through which men look out
on all that i going on in the world ;
without a newspaper, a man is shut in a
small room, aad knows little or nothing
of what is happening outside of himself.
In our day, the newspapers keep pace
with history and record it A news
paper will keep a sensible man in sym
pathy with the world' a current history.
It is an enfolding encyclopedia, an un
bound book forever issuing and never
finished.