INSIGHT
I've tried, but I can't
seem to remember the first
time. I know it started the
summer after I graduated
from high school. The fol
lowing September, I went
away to college and it was
there I learned that I
wasn't the only one who ate
all I wanted.. .and
more...and never gained
weight. How?!? People used
to ask how I could eat so
much and not get fat. I
would casually answer, "Oh,
you have to burn it off; be
active," and/or "I have a
high metabolism." Of
course, no one doubted me
because I was involved in
every sport and club there
was, worked part time, and
was a 4.0 student.
Anyway, as I was say
ing, I learned I wasn't the
only one who could do that.
There was this other' girl
that dormed and everyone
knew how she kept her
weight down. After lunch
and dinner, she would go
into the restrooms and
stick her fingers down her
throat until she vomited.
The only difference between
myself and her was--no one
ever knew I threw up. My
roommate worked in the kit
chen, so I had the room to
myself after meals. After
binging and throwing up so
many months and so many
times a day (one to five),
you get it down to a sci
ence. You know when to
eat...when no one is a
round... and you learn what
to eat... things that are
easy to throw up. For me,
that meant to stay away
from peanut butter, tuna
fish, and oatmeal, just for
examples. Meats and carbo
hydrates and loads of li
quids were great. Another
thing I never knew was this
ordeal I was putting myself
through even had a name.
The first time I heard any
thing resembling it, I was
in my second year of col
lege and going through a
Psychology Today magazine.
There was a half-page arti
cle about Rumination. I
looked it up and the word
meant, "to chew again what
has slightly been chewed
and regurgitated." This was
the only article I was to
find for a few years. One
slight insight into the
problem,'l was beginning to
realize, was part of my
life.
The next encounter I
had with a mention of any
eating disorder was the
term bulimia. I was a bull
mic I had a disease. I
knew very well what I was
doing wasn't "normal," but
I couldn't stop, or rather,
I didn't want to stop. It
was great being able to eat
anything I wanted and not
gain weight, and no one but
me knew the secret. It was
my secret.
Time passed, and my
eating began to consume
more of my time. i would
wake up and plan when and
what I would eat. Sometimes
I tried to eat as late in
the day as possible, be
cause then maybe I would
vomit only once. However,
it was a rare day when that
happened.
Years passed, and sud
denly one day I said to
myself, "This is not nor
mal; people eat three meals
and snacks and maintain
their weight; why can't I
eat two meals and feel
satisfied? Why do I feel
I've pigged out and might
just as well eat more and
then vomit it all?" I was
caught in a vicious cy
cle...binging, vomiting,
guilt, and then it began
all over again. Yes, I nee
ded help, but who would
understand what I was doing
to myself? And who would
help me and who could I
trust?
One day I mustered up
the courage to tell a fami
ly member. Well, not so
directly, I wrote a letter
and tried to explain the
past ten years of my life.
In return, I got nothing
but love, support, under
standing, and help. I star
ted seeing a therapist and
slowly began to understand
my behavior.
It's two years later,
and it has been a long,
hard haul. it isn't over
yet, and I have a rough
road ahead of me, emotion
ally and physically, but
I'm doing it; I'm on the
right track.
--Name withheld
MONONUCLEOSIS
by Jennifer Brennan
MONO. It's one of those
four letter words that when
you say it, people back ten
feet away and their eyes
bulge out at you in horror.
Mononucleosts Ls not a
fun disease. When I had
mono, the glands in my
throat were so swollen that
I couldn't eat for a few
days, which was okay be
cause I couldn't stay awake
long enough to eat anything
anyway.
Dealing with the dis
ease wasn't as awful as
dealing with people's mis
conceptions of the disease.
In my case, tt never mat
tered what two physicians,
a nurse, and a blood tech
nician told me, everybody
was an expert and was al
ways right when it came to
mono. Many people believe
that you can contract mono
from breathing the air that
surrounds a mono victim;
you can't. I know that
every time I saw a person's
face turn red from lack of
oxygen because they were
holding their breath, I
wanted to lick their fork
or drink out of their soda
when they weren't looking.
For me, believe it or
not, mononucleosis had its
benefits. When I was sick,
I could have ruled the
world with my lips, forget
the guns. All t had to do
was threaten to kiss some
one if they didn't do what
I said and the world
would've been mine!!!
Because it was diffi—
cult for me to eat, t lost
a lot of weight. tt was
great the way people would
compliment me by telling me
that my face looked sunken
in and I looked dead. I
loved the way none of my
pants fit me, which meant
that I had to buy a whole
new wardrobe! Unfortunate
ly, waitresses who have
mono don't work; waitresses
who don't work don't get
paid, which means I had no
money to buy a new ward
robe. I should have had my
saliva patent as a diet...
I'd never have to worry
about money again.
When you're sick, you
find out who your friends
are. When youtre conta
gious, you have no friends.
I was sick a few days be
fore I was diagnosed as
having mononucleosis. As
soon as my boyfriend's
mother found out I had
mono, she forbade me to see
him until I was well again.
If he didn't get it in
those few days before I was
diagnosed, he'd never get
it ... but, hey, I wasn't
going to tell her that.
They say, "Absence makes
the heart grow fonder,"
which proves that they (who
are they anyway?) have a
cliche for every situation
because they also say, "Out
of sight, out of mind."
Those three weeks of mono
gave me a chance to see my
boyfriend for what he real
ly is ... I won't say what,
but I saw it.
Mono had its benefits
but I wouldn't do it again
...I can't afford another
wardrobe.
Phone: 454-9880
,ilair Creation
502 E. Cranberry Ave.
Hazleton, PA 18201