Collegian short . stories
Space Invaders of Sigma Draconis
the second planet of Sigma
Draconis, his spacecraft's
computer alerted him to the
As Scott Alan Wilson Pt esence of two ap
entered the atmosphere of proaching interceptors. He
By-Jay A. Exner
_ o
_~
Comedy dungeon
By Jay A. Exner
"Is this it, d'ya think?"
Garbag anxiously asked the
wizard, Dravel. Garbag
stood before a massive iron
door. He nervously shifted
his considerable bulk from
foot to foot, causing his
specially fitted chain mail
to clink.
"My last spell showed
writing on the door to the
place we now seek, but we
should inspect this room
anyway, I think," replied
Dravel thoughtfully. He ad
justed his pointy wizard hat
atop his pointy wizard head
as he spoke.
• Garbag grunted as he
pulled on the plain, rusty
door handle. As the vault
like door, squealed open, a
sickening odor floated out
into the dark corridor on a
draft that flickered the two
adventurers' torches.
They both froze. Before
them towered a reptilian
behemoth. Before they
could react, the immense
dragon inhaled with an
audible hiss, then let loose,
"Hyaaa...schoooo! !" The
sound echoed through the
dungeon for a long moment.
Dravel retched in spasms
onto the damp dungeon
floor while Garbag stared
at the awesome beast as if
mesmerized.
"Mother of God, that was
the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen!" gasped
Dravel. "You disgusting
swine, you could ,at least
cover your mouth when you
sneeze!" he screamed at
the dragon
Drava, gaining control of
nimself, began wiping par
ticles of dragon snot from
his now soiled cloak. Gar
bag appeared to be having a
profound religious ex
perience. The dragon was
occupying itself in opening
up a fresh box of Puff's
tissues. To coax Garbag out
of the cavernous room,
directed the computer to mumbled, trying to undog
take evasive action. Scott the lower hatch to get to the
had not come 18.5 light- deadly cargo. It was jamm
years just to get blasted out ed, probably from the im
of the sky like a clay pigeon. pact.
Scott thought of his- mis- Scott checked the integri
sion. He was to destroy, the ty of his space suit. It ap-
Dracs' home planet before peared to be in good condi
they could take over tilt , ' tion. He worked the hatch
Allied Colonies of Earth. open. He would have to get
The Dracs exterminated to the bomb from the out
humans; Scott was going to side somehow.
exterminate the Dracs —at The hatch hissed as he
their source. He had one an- pushed it open, since the at
timatter time bomb aboard
and was going to land, set
the timer, and get away
from the planet as fast as
possible.
The craft was now travel
ing low over a large forest,
away from any Drac cities.
Unexpectedly, Scott's craft
careened as if out of con-
trol, crashed through
dozens of "trees," and then
impacted thunderously on
the spongy alien .huMus.
Dazed, Scott unlatched his
g-harness and surveyed the
cramped cockpit. His com
puter console was dead;
every electronic device
aboard appeared out of
commission
"How did they overload NQ sense waiting around,
my systems so fast?" he he thought. Scott crawled
wondered aloud. Suddenly and climbed through a
Scott realized that the mis- mass of tangled and broken
sion had taken on new alien flora, until he was at
meaning. The ship was the external port hatch. It
dead. The Dracs were had been bent inward in the
evidently very near. His crash, but he managed to
mission to destroy the get his fingerg inside and
Dracs had become a pry it open.
kamikaze mission! Scott got the bomb from
"Got to get the bomb," he its protective container in-
within its chest, then
detonated in an explosion of
sound, smoke and fur! •
A short while later, now
at the next door, Dravel tug
ged on an oxidized door han
dle to behold a mongrel dog
in the corner of 4 small
room. The friendly-looking
mutt bounded over to
Dravel, wagging its tail.
As the smoke dissipated
and the fur began to settle,
Garbag whined, "But
nOOOO, it's no trap, not if
Garbag thought of it!"
Dravel put his hat back on
his head, sneezed twice, and
pulled a wad of fur out of his
mouth. He said, "Well, let's
see if the room we're look:
ing for is nearby and stop
this useless bickering,
okay? ! "
Dravel stepped into the
corridor. He produced a
"Let me pet 'im. Here, thin, square, white piece of
poochie !" said Garbag as parchment from the sleeve
he crouched before the dog. of his cloak. He then made
The mongrel dog rolled onto, strange gestures with his
all fours, its hackles rising. hands and spoke a foreign-
The dog growled from deep sounding incantation. As he
Dravel produced a pre
cooked turkey drumstick
from inside his sleeve and
waved it before the elephan
tine adventurer's eyes. Gar
bag suddenly came to life
and relieved the wizard of
the drumstick. The dragon
watched through bleary,
red, hay-fever eyes as the
two weary adventurers
shuffled out of its den.
"It could be a trap," sug
gested Garbag. Dravel ig :
nored the suggestion and
started petting the furry
mongrel's stomach, since it
had rolled onto its back.
Garbag stepped forward.
"Mother of God, that was
the most disgusting thing I
have ever seen,"
"Got to get the bomb," he
mumbled, "trying to unlock
the lower hatch to get to the
deadly cargo."
mosphere of the Dracs'
home planet was much
denser than that of his
cockpit. Scott climbed up
and out of the spacecraft,
then slid down the side to
land firmly on the dark
forest floor.
side the compartment, and
brought it out into the dif
fused, orange, Draconian
sunlight. He produced a key
from his wrist pocket and
inserted it into the top of the
small, silver cylinder. He
turned the key to the right
and pressed the single red
button below the key. A
display showed the seconds
counting down from 60.
Scott relaxed, set the
bomb down and turned
around. He was facing a
Drac ! The pathetically
small, purple, mantis-like
alien fired a' wand-shaped
weapon and Scott was
paralyzed. He fell over with
a thud.
The alien stepped ginger
ly on - four legs over to the
bomb and turned the key to
the left. The display froze at
39 seconds.
The Drac turned to Scott
and fired the weapon again.
Scott obligingly died.
"C'mon Scott, you've
been playing that game
long enough. Take off that
helmet so I can go home and
make supper," said , Scott's
slightly perturbed mother.
"Oh, all right," said
Scott, removing the game
interface helmet. "But I'll
stop those Sigma - Draco
nians yet !",
Scott stepped out of the
game cubicle, set the
helmet on the contoured
seat, and .silently followed
his mother out 'of the
twenty-first century ar
cade.
finished, Dravel cast the
parchment into the air. It
quickly flitted down the cor
ridor as if, under its own
will, passing several doors
to either side. Finally, the
parchment came to a stand
still before a single door,
Dravel and Garbag trotting
to the spot a few moments
later.
"This has to be it!" Gar
bag shouted with a sense of
urgency.
Dravel sputtered between
gasps for air, "Yes, yes!
There are the M-runes and
the double 0-runes. This
must be the right door.
Quickly, open it!"
Garbag pushed the door
open and ran inside, Dravel
close at his heels.
The door slowly swung
closed, the runes on the
door being visible to an
empty corridor. The runes
spelled out two words of
great importance to the ex
hausted adventurers. The
runes spelled out "MEN'S
ROOM.