Page Eight- Highacres Collegian, January 31, 1977
xns and. each day another poor
soul is drawn to the machine's
irresistable influence. English
111, Chem 30, Bio 11, and His
tory 20 are passed by in favor
of Champ(A.K.A. "Draino"), Abra
.On Dabra. and Space Mission.
Santulli, Holmberg, and Van-
Deventer are exchanged for
Williams, Gbttlieb, and the al
mighty Ball. All thoughts of
studying for the sixth period
Psych 2 exam are cast aside as
the "condemned," huddle around
these mechanical demons, curs
ing the stray balls of Ping
Pong players and the sounds
bf washing machines, screaming
"TILT!? What do you mean, TILT!?
Why, you f—k-r you! I'm going
to shake the s—t out of this
w-or- lapper!!"
EPIDEMIC
HITS
HIGHACRES
By Gandalf
At its annual convention,
the American Medical Associa
tion, as has been its custom,
has listed the major diseases
that take the heaviest toll up
on the American publjc. This
year, a new disease was dis
covered that is rising in fre
quency and threatening cancer's
omnipotent presence. It's symp
toms are undetectable in the ear
ly stages, but as the disease
progresses the victim is subject
to spaams of distemper, hyper
tension, cold sweats, and a lust
for precious metals. A point is
soon reached where the victim is
beyond the reach of medical help
and is wracked by nervous con
vulsions in the index or middle
fingers, a slumped posture, shak
ing arms, and an increse in his
vocabulary of the "lower” words.
Families have been shattered as
their finances are slowly drain
ed end close relationships are
taxed to the breking point as
the sufferer continues on his
road to destruction. This is
the horror known as "the silver
ball syndrome"(Pinubus Ballus).
It is believed that the
disease is contracted in the
dens of iniquity, known as ar
cades, where can be found the
foul devices that are the only
relief for the hopeless devils.
As one enters the doorway the
air is filled with the cries of
"you f—k-r"," not a chance at
it!", "sucked down the hole",
and "GAMESt I WAIT GAMES".
Victims will harbor ther for
days on end, finding the "drug"
that will satiate their desires.
By chance, a glassy, multicolor
ed eye will turn toward you, be
fore the engine of temptation
sounds its call of thumps, bells,
rings, and buzzers. Pity must
be shown these wretched indi
viduals, for they are cursed to
their final hour.
Before you, the reader,
are lulled into a false sense
of security, let it be known
that even the teeming metrop
olis of "Hazleburg" is not im
mune from the syndrome's ram
page. Highacres itself has
been in it's clutches for mon-
Parents, heed my words!
You are the only hope for sav
ing your offspring. This
fiendish menace is undermining
the foundation of our country
and soon we may fall to our
enemies. Take action now! If
you see. your eon oo daughter
nervously trembling and you
hear thorn climb out oC their
bedroom windows, take them to
the basement, chain them to
the wall, and barricade the
doors. The sounds and sights
ALENTINES
DAY
.— from
\ RUSSELL I
\ STOVER /
\ CANDY /
FOWLER, DICK,
LAUREL MALL, HAZLETON
HAPPY
of withdrawal are horrible to
percieve, but you may take
courage and- hope in the idea
that you are doing it for your
family, your country, and for
mankind.
Lane
Lecture
continued from page 1
different directions, "thereby
proving a conspiracy occurred.'
"Only 11% of the American
people believe in the original
version," Lane continued,"only
11% believe that Oswald killed
J.F.K..Probably more people
than that believe in the ,
tooth fairy."
Lane explained that the
Warren Commission had set up
six panels to investigate the
assasination. However, Lane
said that the Commission did
not even have a panel to find
out who killed Kennedy. "The
Commission was established
to prove that Oswald killed
Kennedy," Lane said, "the
Commission had no way to even
accept other evidence. I
would have added arjothev
continued on page 10
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