Friday, Febuary 8, 2008
Don’t Forget to Validate Your Parking
9591
Struggle with me and I promise
you Something life-affirming and _ ~ ,
life changing. 1 '
i 1 r -y
_ I— L_yc id
WSLjm
Ves, that's right. lam just o " ' T
nardt^iWic*eftlbu^h-to Mdhc * , & t
those kinds of promises"' N
1 1 r_j
If you think of me os some rA f
sort of obnoxious asshole.
then we re off to a good
1 1 re 1 I
__ ,^r
F
because at least now I ■ ~ ■
know we have something m
*=— r ■ r
augh Out Loud Cats #52
T
r~
Tragedy is when I cul my linger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die ’
Adam “Apelad”Koford
Disclaimer: All articles are for entertainmeaf purposes otfo
IT! /I
Mike Le
By Bryce Sayers
Romantic Strategist
Everybody has a hobby: some collect art. others
download files illegally, and others tinker with stuff
in a variety of ways. This last category of hobbyist
used to just be known as a handyman or a tinkerer.
but this is the twenty-first century so we have to give
things dumb names. Their new name is the “mod
der," named so because they mod-ify things. People
with too much time and wasted skill moddify all sorts
of things: their cars, home appliances, stereos, even
their computers and game consoles.
Inspired by these pillars of humanity - especially the
one who turned his Wii into a gaudy advertisement
for Metroid I too am endeavoring to become an
accomplished modder. My goal is to set a new stan
dard for fixing things that aren’t broken, not content
with taking roads already traveled 1 will dedicate my
hobby to the art of shelled reptiles. I shall strive to
pave the slow but steady road of turtle modding.
By Jerome Bernard Pohl 111
Astrologer at Large
Aries: Ok, Aries is the ram constellation, Aries is
Mars the good of war. Note the difference. It's
going to be number five on your Classical
Mythology test and your GPA is at stake.
Libra: You will be celebrating with friends in the
city when chaos ensues. Luckily you will get the
whole thing on film. After a action packed trip
through the city you will end the day realizing
you've learned almost nothing about the mysteri
ous monster attacking the city, as you were dis
tracted by your feelings for a girl you probably
think you want more'than you really do cause you
fear dying alone in the streets.
Taurus: You will find that it is not the movement
of the planets that effects your life, but you're life
that effects the planets. Keep things status quo
unless you want to start crashing stuff into the sun.
in -t, o'i'jii t nob t;o i
Scorpio: In 1 y&f, the release of Love at First Sting
cemented the band's status as rock superstars.
Propelled by the hit single Rock You Like a
Hurricane. Love at First Sting went double plat
inum a few months after its release.
Gemini: Congratulations, you're our one billionth
Gemini. As a prize, you get to pick your sign this
week. C'mon. you've always wanted to try another
one on, go crazy, see what it's like to be a
Capricorn, or even a Virgo. I wouldn’t recommend
Leo though, unless you're into that sort of thing.
Sagittarius: You will feel compelled to write an
article for your campus paper's humor page. The
article will not be funny, but the editor will encour
age you out of desperation for content. If you play
your cards right, by the end of the semester you
will have a case full of blackmail photos for the
thrifty price of one article a week, and you'll be set
for life.
Novo Sauropsida Testudines
Semi-Weekly Horoscopes
This just in matter is energy, We are all one soul there is no evil or good,
only the pursuit of enlightenment. Rock over London, Rock on Chicago.
Wheaties breakfast of Champions.
- Mel Brooks
I can see my masterpiece now: take a nice, hardy yel
low-foot (technically a tortoise) or an even sturdier
Russian model, give it wheels from a Tyco R/C in
place of its hind legs, all-weather off-road tires as
well to give it maximum traction. On the front, just
above the head, one of the plates will open up and
underneath it a pop-up rocket launcher. I ll paint it
red. program it with cliff detection and smooth the
underside so it can slide easily on low-friction sur
faces. I shall call it “the Koopa Troopa mark 5."
The KT-5 is my masterpiece turtle, so I'll have to
work up to that one. I've already made an order for
the parts I'll need to build the prototype. I had to call
out for spare parts from totaled turtles both for legal
reasons and so I can build them from the ground up
to slightly above ground. If it's a girl turtle I'm going
to name it “Mary Shelley." If it's a boy turtle, then I
have some work to do from the get-go.
Cancer: The planets will be aligning in your favor
this week, but Saturn just got Rockßand for the
360 and with Jupiter on drums and Mercury on
bass there's only a 50 percent chance that Venus
give you that good fortune, as she has received a
better offer to be the lead singer.
Capricorn: In celebration of Try To Fail Day, the
official holiday of the humor page since Feb. 9,
2005, you will attempt to get hastily written horo
scopes published in the paper.
Leo: You will make a road trip to Cleveland to
attend your first Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Though you'll arrive normal, you’ll leave the the
atre crying, smeared with lipstick, and wearing a
schoolgirl uniform. But you'll no longer be a vir
gin, and will plan to return next month.
Aquarius: You will begin going insane after you
start hearing voices. Before you attempt to gouge
youf ears out the voices will start laughing
repeating the number 4858612. You decide to put 1
the ice cream scoop and drill down, a quick
Google search, only to find your problems have
just begun.
Virgo: You will post your resume online and be
contacted by a mysterious company called
Mechanized Propulsion Systems. You will find
that your new job is to build Voltron. After stealing
schematics from the company and defecting to a
government lab you will be killed by five kids in a
robot that looks like it's made of dinosaurs.
Pisces: As the most senior copy editor, you will be
perturbed by the page editor's failure to correct a
grammatical error that you totally caught. This sit
uation will degrade into an encounter involving a
broken bottle.
it*:?*
The Behrend Beacon I
Jeremv Korwek