Friday, November 9, 2007
Weather Los Angeles is better than Erie
by Jerome Pohl
L.A. Corre.spondam
Bryce tells me that you guys
got bliziardkrieged recently. so I
wrote hack to gloat. Snow: we
don't have it in Los Angeles.
we re not going to get it, and
thanks to modern marvels (like
global warming) we never will.
So while you poor studentcicles
are Walken in a winter wonder
land. I'm working on my tan, for
free, on a beach. Just so we're
clear, beaches are where the land
meets the ocean: enjoy your lake
and the snow it affects.
Instead of seeing my breath
when I breathe, I get to watch the
particulates swirl into each other
and hack into my lungs. So while
I'm evolving to adapt to the
smog. you guys are still one step
behind birds, who have the good
sense to fly south for the winter.
In addition to the pollution from
cars and factories, the air is full
of the nearby flaming mountains.
Unlike cold, wet Erie. Los
Manhattan;
by Mike Sharkey
Co-Editor-in-Chief
Permission to reprint granted
by the author, me
Recent discoveries may prove
that the first pilgrims to arrive in
North America were not killed
off hy cold or hunger during their
first winter in the New World.
Instead. recent findings indicates
that a v, ave of \ iolence erupted in
the colony. resulting in the death
of the majority of the colonists.
The arrival of a rebate check
postmarked roughly 385 years
ago may indicate that the actual
cause of the massive loss of life
v,as in fact due to the violence
and chaos caused by the first
Black Friday in the colonial set
tlement.
The rebate check arrived last
Thursday at the home of Mrs.
Jane Bradford, a descendant of
one of the original settlers. As
with all rebate checks, this one
took slightly longer than six to
eight weeks to he processed. The
rebate was made out to a Mr.
George. written out as "One
freshly killed rabbit for the pur
chase of one bushel of corn... The
original receipt indicates that the
purchase date of said corn was
Friday. Mar. 23, 1621. which was
one day after the signing of the
peace treaty between the Pilgrims
of Plymouth C'olony and the
Massasoit of the Wampanoags.
The term "Black Friday. - in
modern society, is attributed to
the day that retail stores manage
to sell enough to pay off the
remainder of their debt for the
year (debt being marked in red on
the balance sheet), and finally
enter "in the black, - which indi
cates profit. With these recent
discoveries, the name may have
actually originated the day the
Angeles is so hot and dry that we
have entire mountains on fire.
Instead of the four seasons in
Erie (Almost Winter. Winter.
Still Winter. and Road
Construction). Los Angeles has
Summer. Fire season. and Flood
season. Road construction is con
stant here, so it's not considered
a season all its own. It's so
refreshing out here that snow
does not hinder our driving. Our
roads are only plagued by the
fact that everybody is tailgating
at 100 mph ( when we're not
parked in gridlock). Merging
onto the freeway here gives me
more of a sense of accomplish
ment than four years at Penn
State. I am worried that people
will judge me for using my turn
signal, though.
Instead of coats and boots, my
closet is full of clothes to wear to
clubs and all the other great
places to go and things to do in
L.A. I'll try not to miss sledding
too much while Fm dancing with
strippers at Club Facade.
six beads after rebate
pilgrims started a riot while wait
ing in line for the new rebate sys
tem initiated by the
Wampanoags. In this case.
"Black Friday' . stands for a day
of death and chaos, not unlike
modern times. The chaotic bar
barism exhibited by the colonists
can he seen to this day with mod-
ern men and women hashing in
faces. snapping necks. and goug
ing eyeballs while rushing for
rebates and special deals offered
by retailers. For some families.
this day has become an annual
tradition.
Recent archeological digs indi
cate that foul play and utter chaos
erupted on the day the
Wampanoags had their annual
"Selling of Bad Harvest" sale.
where the natives took all the
fotsjAhat.baci
,spolleo during the
winter, and sold it to the unsus
pecting Europeans. In that partic
ular year, the natives introduced a
rebate system to entice the
colonists into buying more. The
Wampanoags never had to fulfill
the promised rebate. because the
buyers would typically die of
dysentery before the six weeks
were over. Colonists that sur
vived the six-week period were
then forced to wait another two
weeks while the Wampanoags
"processed . ' the rebate, wherein
the colonists then died from
chronic impatience.
Mrs. Bradford was stated as
saying. "Oh. I'm going to cash in
the rebate, sure. I've hired a pri
vate investigator to track down
the guy's family to make sure his
decendants are all dead."
Unfortunately for Mrs. Bradford,
the native and his entirefamily
who promised the rebate were all
killed in 1622 by a small pox epi
demic.
r
F
0 - Days since our last accident!
Lead found in Chinese-made condoms; Superman says "Huzzah!"
by Mike Sharkey
Co-Editor-in-Chid'
Toys and glue sticks aside, sci
entists have focused their studies
of lead content in contraceptives
that are manufactured in China,
and have found that S 4 percent of
all condoms contain lethal doses
of lead. The scientists involved
with the study are hoping to
eliminate this problem. which
could lead to birth defects. and/or
death. Dr. Gunther
Hefmaaaat sic 1. leading the team
in both research and activism.
has come up with a very cute slo
gan for the campaign: "Get de
lead out (of herr
Besides the fact that buying
condoms at Walmart is like hav
ing sex with a little Chinese man
in the room. readers should also
be aware that China produces
over one billion condoms annual
ly for multiple name brands sold
throughout the work!. So though
you might think that buying your
goods On Amazon.com. you may
find yourself sorely mistaken.
Though most people would he
concerned with these problems
(14 lead was one of the leading
causes of the downfall of the
Roman empire). hut there are
some among us who have been
positively affected by the sudden
increase in lead in our everyday
products. Mr. Clark Kent. also
known as ('`spoilers!"') SUPER
MAN. has just now breathed a
sigh of relief. so he was reported
to have done. When we asked
him why he just blew the power
ines over at Penn State Behrend
THIS CHfISTMAS...
COVE `IOW COELFEIEND WHAT PE REALLY WANTS...
On Tuesday. he replied with
"Well! With lead in condoms,
Lois and I can finally do it right!"
Superman then flew/fled the
scene. leaving teachers and stu
dents with no power. and the day
off. A few hours later, slight
tremors could he felt in
Metropolis, hut nothing substan
tial could he made of it.
When we finally found
Superman again. he indeed
seemed to look happier, reporting
his full support of lead-based
products. "The only trouble I've
been having, and I would appre
ciate it if you didn't quote this in
your newspaper, is that I can't see
through women's bras anymore...
Too much lead in em! I mean the
condom thing I'm tine with. hut
how's a super hero supposed to
get his fix when everyone's wear
ing lead underwear?!"
Hopefully Superman's words
will impact our international cor
porations and government alike
in eliminating China, and its
tainted goods. Let's free boobs
from bondage and cheap labor!
Other products from China
reported to contain lead:
-Glue stick caps
-Lipstick
-Jello Jigglers
-Britney Spears
-Pencils
-Your grandma's teeth
-Chuck Norris
-Newspapers
-Tampons
-Nose rings
-Bruno's food
-The Earth
Visit us during
Cancellation
Unfortunately,
will be no Mozart
playing next
Thursday.
He's dead.
Notice:
,
Ck
there
The Behrend Beacon I
• /
this
Is!
BUY A DICK,
GET A BUSH
FREE!