6 I The Behrend Beacon
Beer healthier than milk
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Bud Select
Upon reviewing the health information for Budweiser Select and skim milk, Bud Select is in fact
healthier. The only categories where milk dominates beer is in potassium and calcium. Bud select has
no fat, no cholestoral, and one-fourth the carbohydrates as skim milk. The calcium will be made up with
the slice of pizza you will eat later in the night. If too much of either drink is consumed it will result in
vomitting. Remember to always drink responsibly.
E
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In Edinboro this week, a Hamburglar costume
was stolen during a promotional event. The suit
was valued at $lB,OOO. The culprit has not been
apprehended yet so here is a list of possible sus
pects.
Ted Kennedy- If the Hamburgler doesn't steal
the burgers, Teddy will.
Wendy- We're not quite sure how to get this
burger princess cornered.
Anna Nicole Smith- Only the Hamburgler
and Trimspa could keep her from eating
burgers.... Oh yea, and death.
Grimace- His face always turned purple from
being pissed that the Hamburgler stole the burg
ers. Now, it's payback time.
Ronald McDonald- Guilty by association.
Sendyour applications now!!!
„Become the Beacon's next Jerry
Willing to read 60 years of Beacon archives?
Have time to sit around the office telling
people how great the paper used to be?
Feel like interviewing decades old staff members
so you can act like you worked with them?
Then you're pompous enough to fill Jerry's shoes.
By Anony
By Chris Lafuria
editor in chief
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ing drunk
George W. Bush- We haven't blamed him
enough for things.
Big Bird- He/She (not sure what) is trying to
build up some Sesame Street cred.
Angelina Jolie- The costume wasn't stolen;
Jolie and hubby Brad adopted him and named
him "Cambodian baby 6.-
The Behrend Beacon staff- It was a slow
news week and we needed something to get
readers' attention
Michael Jackson- The kids were getting sick
of his Peter Pan and Tinkie-Winkie
costumes, so Mikey decided to spice it up with
a Thriller of a costume.
Bursar's office- Robbers are always less
fierce if dressed like a fast food icon. That way.
Behrend students won't lose their loyalty.
If you have any knowledge as to the where
abouts of these suspects please contact someone
who cares.
HUMOR
Fhe page that makes the res of the paper look more legit
A new shade of Black
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
So what is he like in person? That he, is Mr.
Lewis Black, who shook the crowd as well as his
fingers and cheeks in the Junker Center last
Saturday. A sold-out crowd of 2,000 found out
quickly why this tour and his hook share the title
Nothing's Sacred.
From Christians to Jews. from Mormons to
Politicians, as well as television commercials the
60-year-old Black hit everyone with his angry
brand of humor. With such an explosive on stage
personality, many people wonder how he has not
run into health problems.
The truth about Lewis Black is that offstage he
is an intelligent, soft spoken, very normal man.
minus the toui bus and regular guest appearances
on The Daily Show. In an interview following
his performance, Black talked about some new
projects he has been working on and what keeps
him going.
The thing which keeps him motivated to keep
doings shows is as simple as. "A hunch of people
really showing up. and just... getting what you
are doing and just having a great audience."
Lewis would pause casually to take a drag
from his cigarette, but when asked how he con
tinues to come up with new material, especially
for politicians, he spoke very clearly and said
with a slight shake of the cheeks, "It's really just
like sometimes I feel... We're fucked. They
make it too easy. -
This was Lewis' second trip to Erie. While he
spent most of the time relaxing in his hotel room
before the show, he was still able to pick up on
Year of the irritable
By Liz Cybulski
staff writer
The saddest time of the year has arrived my
friends this is my last article of the year. Before
we hurl ourselves into the last of my sarcastic
offerings, I'm going to say a few non-sarcastic
things. I want to thank everyone who's written
kudos to me over the past semester. I never had
any plans to make my article a weekly one, but the
reactions were always so positive I just kept it
going. So thanks for making me rack my brain for
idiotic, sometimes offensive, but
truthful things to talk about that
made you all laugh each week.
Alright, now that the pseudo-
Hallmark thank-you card portion
of the article is over, here you go.
The Spring Edition of my own:
You Know You Go To Behrend
When:
You can't yell out "WE
ARE..." and expect the correct
response from everyone within
hearing distance. Let's work on that people, you
gotta work to wear that Blue and White. And don't
retort to me about tuition earning you the right to
wear Blue and White. I make the rules here. So
dance, monkey, dance.
Street lights turn off when you walk/drive by
them, not on. Amazing. Who wants to actually
have their path lit while walking around campus at
2 a.m.'?! Not this girl!
Snow may close interstates, but it doesn't stop
you from going to the bars or apartment parties.
My ass may gloriously fall in the snow in front of
the Plymouth, in essence making a spectacle of
myself, but at least I got there before the Import
Special ended. Dedication.
Things get a little shaky when the Engineering
side and the Humanities side mix in class. It's like
the feeling of the area. Black said he really
enjoys Pennsylvania, and that it is a great place
to be,"but everyone here just seems to bitter
about it." With a winter that spans three quarters
of the year, who can blame us?
There are no signs of slowing down for Lewis
Black. He recently finished a pilot for Comedy
Central called Root of All Evil. In the show,
Black will preside over a courtroom of other
comedians in which they debate some of today's
most pressing topics like "chick flicks vs. video
games - and "Dick Cheney vs. Paris Hilton."
Black said "Whether it sees the light of day is
anyone's guess. - Lewis also mentioned the pos
sibility of a sitcom in the works for the HBO net
work.
After the show, Lewis traveled to the Penn
State York campus for a Sunday performance.
Then it was back to New York City, where he
was doing work and preparing for his appearance
on The Daily Show Wednesday night.
On the show, Lewis exposed a mob of celebri
ties who tried to make their pleas to clean up the
environment on Earth Day. It featured a clip of
Matt Damon which started out, "If your house is
anything like mine," when Black cut him off and
yelled "Stop!" He then continued to mow down
the field of celebrities. Somewhere in the back
ground, the faint sound of an ice cream truck was
heard.
The show was expertly planned and held cour
tesy of the Concert Committee and a large num
ber of student volunteers. So as long as politi
cians, celebrities and the world in general keep
fucking up, we will have more to look forward to
from Lewis Black in the future.
when Cubans reach American soil...you know
they're allowed to stay, but wonder if and when
they're going to go back to where they came from.
"Business as Usual" is the most wretched phrase
in all of humanity. Our administration doesn't
even realize it exists.
You've seen Jordan Road double as a luge in the
winter. Trucks take gold, SUVs take silver and all
the morons who stop going half way up the hill
take bronze.
The building designer of Kochel was originally
a jail house designer. It's totally true. Now recall
Gozer lives in
the printer in
Reed. This is
why it never
works.
Gozer lives in the printer in Reed. That's really
why it never works. MISC isn't the keymaster,
that's why they can never fix it for good.
Dobbins uses an ice-cream scoop to dish out
mashed potatoes, but they put a useless spade by
the ice cream for students to use. They probably do
this for their own sick enjoyment because every
one knows the spades do shit. Its like giving a
baseball player a hockey stick when he goes up to
bat and saying, "Eh, its relatively the same." Nope.
Not really.
Okay, that's it. I'm done for the semester. Enjoy
your finals week. Play some corn hole in the apart
ments, pull an all-nighter, congratulate all the sen
iors who are leaving and I'll see you all the same
time, same place next semester. We Are... Penn
State.
Friday, April 27, 2007
in your mind what the inside of a
jail looks like and what the inside
of Kochel looks like. I'm shocked
we haven't heard of anyone try
ing to Shawshank their way out
of there during a horrid class.
The Multi-Cultural Council isn't
just the organization with the
biggest office in Reed if you're
an engineer or accounting-related
major it is also your groups of
professors.