I The Behrend Beacon
SGA election 2006: Ghosts of Democracy
Students who thoulit the !mini)r par A
shocked this week to realiic that last
"Democrao canceled. - was. in lu 1. true. NI
it as a joke, and a coincidence that last yt
Presidential race was uncontested. Those
were riven a soher treebase hit of reality
this year's president was too appointed to ii
position. this time by \ irtue o r betu ll the onl
one to apply lot a joh that should he cos
since it conies with a hen \ tuition reduction
Sinceh
t..ere was only one ticket to hegin 1.%
the first year in the past three that the most 1'
date did not drop out of the race just before
year's case part -way through voting. All of t i ll
the theory I forwarded last Year that time is e
When reached for comment, the SGA c o n,
pended last year in order to get quorum. said he has not been contact
ed about returning. and is happy in his new joh. naming placemats at
Ask Jimmy (Yimmy):
• ee eeee e •
•
• • • things
• ..
• •
•••• • • •
The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby
4 i
"Art is never finished,
only abandoned." s #
-Leonardo da Vinci
http://HerbertFilby.com
Jerry Pohl
humor edit()
Jimmy says:
•
••Remember
.. kids,
•
• don't
• sweat
1 the
•
. petty
: things
• and
•
• don't
• pet
.
.* the
HUMOR
Co\ SGA appointments since 2005
l'cikin
Coining out of dual retirements to run will he dancing mascot
Deacon the Beacon, and the legendary Ghost of Bruno, still in the
Mis-relationship advice and myths unraveled
What's up Behrend? I'm Jimmy. Yes it is a soft J, deal with it. The
way 1 see it. there are all kinds of ladies out there having trouble with
the men in their lives. Seeing as how I've been one since I was born.
it is only fitting that some of the wisdom I've acquired be passed on
to vou. This week's letters have come from some of Behrend's finest
ladies. Their names have been concealed so as not to embarrass them
or the sorry excuses for significant others they are dating
Q: Why is it that guys feel the need to text message instead of call?
Is it because you are used to communicating with a girl via your
hands?
A: This is an easy one. I personally hate text messages, but some
guys are just more comfortable getting their feelings across that way.
It equates to less grunting from us and eliminates awkward pauses.
Think of it this way, we are taking time and putting thought into what
we say to you instead of blurting out a "that's what she said" joke.
Q: What should I do if my boyfriend insists that dousing himself in
Axe is equivalent to a shower?
A: Axe is not equivalent to a shower. Febreeze is. In fact, it counts
Mike Sharkey
April 5, 2007
the students o
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nt, \vill be hold
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Tiovernment. IF.
at Behrend.
e me out of thi
Attn: all returning Fall 2007 students
Take me out of this job or just take me out. I'm
not saying I'm funny or a cheap date, but either way
how can you lose?
If you would like to take control of this page or
well, you know. Just send me an email.
. bar23s@psu.edu
Weekly Wise Wor
Hey my babies. Let's get a few things down toi
this week's Beacon and then
everyone can go off on their
Easter weekend, or non-Easter
regularjoe-schnioe weekend for
all the non-Christians in the
house.
Let's discuss those couples
that make out in the crowd at
rock concerts. Excuse me. I
paid to see the artist on stage,
not your tonsil-licking fest.
Besides, if I wanted to watch
foreplay all night I would have
stayed home and watched porn.
Ohio State got owned once again this past week
by Florida. Maybe one day Ohio State's teams will
stop choking in the big games. And maybe one day
both states will stop effing up presidential elections
By Jimmy
all around stud
body of a manatee. Deacon garnered much initial support due to his
's with his slogan, "Deacon love you!"
ly his life partner Fudgems, the Domino's
id his mistress Carol Adamson of Leeds,
continue that protection. Sure would be a
shame if that lion statue was possessed by a ghost and came to life.
Someone could get hurt...l'm just sayin."
By Liz Cybulski
staff writer
towards doing laundry, taking a shower, and a low grade weed killer.
Axe is just the icing on the cake for you ladies. If you find the smell
repulsive, get us something better. We like presents, too. Pick some
thing you like, and regardless of how it smells, if we think it turns you
on, we'll use it.
Q: What should I do if my boyfriend constantly uses the words
`dude." "solid," and "deeecent'?"
A: As it turns out, we are in Erie, PA not California. Your boyfriend
may have caught what experts call "surferitisosis." If this is the case,
you need to take action immediately. Search his room. If you find
something called "sex wax," don't get excited it's probably for his
long board, and by long board I mean a type of surfboard. Remove
any copies of the movie Point Break, any of Bill and Ted's Adventures,
or Ninja Turtles. If you do this you should be alright.
Q: Is it just a Behrend thing where all the guys on campus feel that
they are capable of fixing anything? Or is that just a menacing prob
lem pervasive in all of society?
A: It is man's nature to create and preserve our property. Being
forced into a dorm room limits the male's ability to exercise this urge.
Now in most cases ladies, you are more than capable of doing the
repair yourself, but it makes us feel important and useful.
Bruno has released the following campaign
''You all know the public Ghost of Bruno;
lisembodied barking that haunts the Wilson
icnic Grove where I am buried, the glowing
ecter that presides over the condiment card
y namesake café, the shifting eyes of my
in Glenhill farmhouse that they won't let
But I want to show you the real Bruno; the
a manatee body that can lead this campus
ran over these hills with Mary Behrend
'ven existed, and I've been here, ever since,
protecting you from mountain lions. Vote
for the rest of us. All I know is come this football
season. I will definitely be giving OSU fans the
gator chomp just for giggles.
The new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie
doesn't impress me at all. Computer
tnimation has nothing on life-size
nuppets break dancing to Vanilla Ice
!hanting "Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go! -
nd of story.
Most of all, this weather. I don't
Think any men on this campus have
met a worse tease than Mother
Nature herself. I'd slide a cliché on
in here, but talk about being hot one
minute cold the next. Just when all
the guys thought they were going to
~ et skirts and skimpy shirts, us ladies
:e hack into Eskimo-like wear. Wait,
I'll rephrase that, all us ladies who have at least
some acknowledgement of the word class, are back
into Eskimo wear. However, this does not include
nights we go out to the bars and parties...duh.
What's the difference?
many of you undoubtly spent countless hours try
o determine the differences in last week's Foxy
o Hunt, you probably did not notice that it was, in
the first week in April.
ith the first week of April comes the holiday of April
's Day. So to all of you Photo Hunt experts...
:ha!
:fore you start writing complaint letters about being
•ked by the humot page, consider this little nugget of
=anon.
it was the same picture side-by-side, and that
is there were no differences, but did you really lose?
:tstly just take a look to your left. Was it really time
bted or just time very well spent? You got to experi
' double vision with no negative side effects.
rou would like to model for an actual Foxy Photo
email me at bar23s@psu.edu
Friday, April 6, 2007