I The Behrend Beacon
Top five of the week...
Every Penn State fan's dream come true. Ben Raymond shows Brutus some Big Ten pride
5. Fill the showerhead with cherry Kool-Aid and call campus ministries, declaring that your room is
bleeding shower is an act of God.
4. Get two flashlights. Make sure all the lights in your room are off so that it is completely dark. When
your roommate is asleep, climb onto the end of his bed, hold the two flashlights toward him, and
scream "CAR!"
3. Girls: Tell your boyfriend that you're pregnant. Guys: Tell you're girlfriend that her best friend is
pregnant (wink).
2. Call your parents and tell them you were arrested on Saturday night in Canada, and they won't let
you cross the border unless your parents come and bail you out.
1. Convince everyone that Ohio State really did win the NCAA Tournament the night before.
April fool your friends
Enjoy a laugh as your friends
By Ben Raymond
humor page editor
With just over a month left in the school year, the
snow has melted away and students are emerging
from their winter hibernation in the dorms.
Refreshed from their slumber and fully recovered
from St. Patrick's Day celebrations, it is time for
another favorite holiday.
April Fool's Day is a great way for students to
show their creativity and exact some cabin fever
vengeance. A well-placed prank or goof can lift
anyone's spirits. Now safety is always a concern
and damages to the residence areas are not accept
able or encouraged. This is just a collection of past
or future pranks that "could" he played.
There are some easy ones to start off with like
saran wrap on the toilet seat, but this should not be
mixed with adding any kind of laxative to a person's
diet. Alone, both are hilarious, but the combination
isn't fun for anyone. Ok, well maybe for a few peo
ple.
The doorway is a literal and metaphorical gold
mine of opportunities. A simple one is the "Lincoln
Tower," just stack a few pennies together and wedge
them in between a closed door and the doorjamb.
It's a great way to ground your friends and lock
them in their room. Simple yet effective... brilliant.
Another favorite is the "Goo Balloon." The equa
tion for this one is one part latex receptacle, and one
part hand lotion/pudding. You then fill the balloon
with your favorite filling and stretch it over a door
knob. The end result is messy and hilarious.
Another variation is a thin layer of Icyhot over the
doorknob. Is your room on fire or frozen over. It
ends up being awkward and glorious.
The next prank is a personal favorite from the
days when Niagra Hall wasn't carpeted. It is aptly
named "The Johnstown Flood." It involves a show
er bucket, half filled with water and tipped against a
closed door. Knock, run, and wait for the splash. It
is one way to get your room clean.
Mr. Shower Bucket plays a part in the next prank
By Brad Kovalcik
staff writer
A I ril Fools Pranks
in frustration when you pull this one
called "Vanilla Ice." Just wait until a friend steps in
the stall for a nice warm shower. A bucket of tap
water over the side and hiding their towel in the hall
leads to an interesting evening for a lot of people. In
technical terms this what you would call a "double
whammy...
These arc all just basic pranks. Basic yet time
less, hut now it may he time to step up the creativi
ty department. Should one of your friends come
hack to their room late at night and he a little less
than coherent, and perhaps they fall asleep with
their shoes on it's time to pull out the saran wrap
again. This requires a number of people. Several to
lift the mattress and a few others to secure the fall
en friend to their hedwith the saran wrap. When
they wake up it is quite a unique experience. For
added effect, try putting the mattress in the hallway
leaned against the wall. This one is called
"Leftovers."
Now it's time for the feature prank. This last one
is called "Haagen Dazs Desktop. - Set up the desk
top in any way you want, and then hide the mouse
off of the screen. Next, you should hold down Alt
and PrtScn (print screen). This copies the image of
your desktop to the clipboard. You can then just
simply open Paint and hit paste. It brings up the
image of the desktop and you can do any editing you
want to it such as creating fake error messages. Let
your imagination run wild.
The next step is to remove all of the actual icons
from the desktop. Preferably in a separate folder so
they can reset the computer later. You can then pull
down the taskbar at the bottom of the screen. After
the desktop has been cleared, change the hack
ground to your newly created image. Holding a
straight face while they click wildly in frustration
will he your reward for the time and dedication to
the prank.
Now these are just a kw examples of ways to
enjoy yourself. The possibilities are endless. So go
forth and prank ahead folks. Just remember that
payback is a dish best served with curry and turbo
lax.
HUMOR
If you call read this. read the rest of the page
Mike Sharkey
CONTRIBLTED YFO
The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby
f --.......
.k: #
I Ludicrous N ) ,
sp eed .
sp •
' l / 4 •0-.................0"
11
Mike Sharkey
http.//HerbertFilby.com March 29, 2007
This is why I'm Liz
By Liz Cybulski
staff writer
You know, it is easier to he a smart ass when I
don't have to actually sit clown and think about it
while crunching under a deadline. Otherwise said,
being an on-the-spot smart ass is better. The point?
This article was a little late in coming to the Beacon
on layout night, but better late than never. Its just a
few things this week, hope it holds you over till
next week.
Broads who act like they know all about sports/a
sports team when in all reality they don't. Or even
worse pretend just to impress or he one of the guys.
This happens a lot when teams have comeback sea
sons, like Penn State and the Steelers in 2005, and
the Pens this year. Girl, we all know you're just
repeating what you heard on Sports Center to
impress the guy. And guess what, you're pissing
off the girls who really do pay attention to sports.
So shut your trap if you don't know what you're
talking about. And any guy that is still with you.
even though you babble on about sports with out a
damned clue of what is actually coming out of your
mouth, is only because you're a word that starts
with the letter "e" and ends with "asy -
There are always those few people who seem to
be chosen by God to be annoying in class. Like the
Behrend Foxy Photo Hunt
Based on the popular touch screen bar game, here is some practice for you. See if you can pick out
th 4 Der Thy -wer will be ted Good luck.?
Preposterously pornographic
By Jerry Pohl
assistant humor editor
Relationships are difficult. They're hard to get
into, harder to maintain, time consuming, expen
sive, and often so unpleasant it wasn't worth all the
trouble in the first place. For those looking to get
out of the endless hormone driven cycle of futility,
there is hope. I have long been of the opinion that
actual human intimacy is a poor substitute for
pornography. For the price of dinner and a movie,
you could join three adult sites for a month. In the
time it takes to go on enough dates to see someone
naked, you could see hundreds of naked people,
thousands if you know what you're doing. And
they won't just be naked, they'll be doing stuff.
The great thing about pornography is that it is
graphic depictions of people engaging in sexually
explicit acts. The disadvantage is the lack of qual
ity and creativity. Women have become nothing
more than canvases in modern pornography. They
are no longer characters or even active partici
pants. They just sit there, head back, eyes closed,
mouth open, waiting for the climax...of the film.
And the blank expressions on their faces; I don't
know if I could tell the difference between a mod
ern porno movie and footage of someone squirting
soap on a mannequin. It's gotten to the point where
Friday, March 30, 2007
people who ask a question that is, in all honesty.
stupid. That in turns gets the professor confused on
where he or she left off, wasting more time. Couple
this person with their match, the person who
answers your question before the professor does.
Hey, fool, do you have a Ph.D? What? You don't?
Oh, Okay so please shut your pie hole.
I hate. Hate. Hate that Florida and OSU have bas
ketball teams in the Final Four this year. Most
know the Penn State team located at University
Park has always had an ice cream cone's chance in
hell at ever making it to the tournament. You're bet
ter off betting on Pete Rose betting on baseball
again then expecting PSU men's team there. Thus.
I've attributed this hate to my football bitterness
carrying over into basketball season. I'm okay with
this.
All the people that sit in the Fishbowl at Bruno's
and make a mess, stick if. I work at Bruno's and it
never fails to amaze me how much of a mess the
Fishbowl is when I have to go clean tables. Do you
realize it takes more of an effort to make a mess
than just sit there and eat? I've never understood
the concept of people wanting to work at being
annoying, rude, and messy because it's one of those
characteristics that
. just screams "I'm stupid." But
hey...if you like coming off like that your dumb ass
is just giving me more fodder for my article.
the viewer is more active than anyone on screen.
Adult actresses need to understand that if you just
lay there during sex, you're kind of a terrorist.
And the production values could use some work
too. There's some great stuff out there but I'd rec
ommend boycotting any production that uses in
camera audio or doesn't have a steadycam. The
idea that anyone with a libido can just get a cam
era, an emotionally scarred woman, and literally
any man off the street and make a porn movie is
only reinforced by the fact that a good portion of
the stuff out there is exactly that.
Some people mostly uppity feminist broads
say that pornography is degrading to women.
Putting aside the scientifically proven fact that
degrading women is hot, I argue that pornography
is even more degrading to men. Men are objecti
fied as nothing more than their genitals. Rarely
does the viewer see their faces or learn their
names. Women, however, are the center of atten
tion quite often literally being in the physical
center of activities, whether they be semi-circle or
Eiffel Tower. Men in these films are no longer
actors, they are mere props, and get paid just about
as well comparatively. Though it still pays better
than being a humor writer, and probably involves
less exposure to STDs.