I The Behrend Beacon
Due to this week's warm weather. Frosty's girlfriend was left unfulfilled yet again
What's your car personality
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
Many times my articles are about me or stories of
how life kicks me every chance it gets This week
I have decided to do something a hit different and
help von get better in touch with in/.
Some people feel that our vehicles are an exten
sion of ourselves. Not just the type of car. but how
we treat them, how we decorate them, and even
how we drive them. Now understandably. not
everyone is driving their ideal car around. but in the
next few years vou will he. So this little stir\ ev
will hopefully give you a better idea of what to
look for when purchasing your next ride.
I.Your drivinti style can hest be described as
Ai "slow motion' . B) "get a little mud oh the
tires . ' C) ''l can't dri VC 55..
2. The driver's seat can usually he found in what
position
A) upright and in control B) slightly reclined C)
who needs to see over the wheel?
3. The current condition of your) I
ve.uc.e most
closely resembles:
A) the day it rolled off the lot B) a few scratches
and dents Ci Courtney Love
4. When it comes to speeding, your philosophy is:
Al safety first Bt fine as long as the person in
front of me is going faster C) lead foot
5. You are driving along, minding your own busi
ness and someone cuts you off, so vou:
Ai just accept it because you deserve it I-3) honk
and give a hand gesture Ci Go Incredible Hulk on
their tailgate
6. The sound Our exhaust makes is
A) quiet and friendly B) a low rumble showing
off some power C) can of beans with an angry v asp
Aries- That goldfish you
flushed when you were
five wasn't dead, just
sleeping. Now you are in it
deep, Bubba. Buy a net.
Taurus- You will realize
you are a failure at life.
Your inability to finish the
humor page will leave you
shattered and alone.
Gemini- You will have a
very rewarding day. Any
I grades you get will be high
and all your classes will
end early. Your kindness
will be acknowledged by
that special someone.
Avoid Scorpio. They are
having a bad day and may
try to bring you down.
Cancer- That's what she
said.
Disclaimer: All
Horrorsco
By Ben Raymond & Jerry Pohl
two wild and crazy guys
Leo- Your myspace will
get hijacked. Ruining any
chance of you ever getting
a job. It ain't easy being
easy.
Virgo- Your weekend anc
tics will finally catch up
with you. Make sure to
buy plenty of ointment and
try not to scratch.
Libra- You will travel
across the country in a VW
van. You will lose your
grandfather and a beauty
contest but learn an impor
tant life lesson in the
process.
Scorpio- Brad, we're not
friends anymore. You
might as well just buy new
towels. P.S. I stole all your
socks. Deal with it.
- r -
T.
trapped inside
7. A good smelling car is important, so if someone
got in your car they would smell:
A) vanilla B) new car scent C) Three week old
(,\, 11l ,OCk'
K. You see a fuzzy little animal crossing the street
your first thought is:
A) :heck your mirrors and brake B) I might
swer‘e C) 30-points if you hear it squish
9. It someone were to look in your trunk, they
w,'ould find
A) first aid/winter kits and jumper cables B)
three years worth of fast food wrappers C) a dead
10. The song most likely to he playing on your
stereo is:
A "My Love" B) "This Ain't a Scene". .
C) "Reign in Blood"
1 1. How high is your ride:
A) speed humps hurt your colon B) minivan
C) anyone have a ladder?
12. Do stickers make it go faster:
A) not a chance B) if it's holding my bumper on,
ves C) bullet holes and parts that I don't even have
13. When approaching a yellow light, you should:
A) slow down for the stop B) go through if no
one is looking C) yellow means the light is scared
of me
14. Doing maintenance on your car consists of:
A) checking fluids and pressure regularly B)
changing the oil when it's convenient C) it still runs
15. A gas gauge is
a tool for monitoring fuel B) a way to get
money from your friends C) the way you determine
‘‘hen to roll the windows down
Answers at the bottom of the page
Sagittarius- I know what
you did in your room last
night. That is not cool or
sanitary. You don't have
much of a future.
Capricorn- I'm sorry; all
I can think of when I say
Capricorn is candy corn.
So that's what you're get
ting. Okay, maybe
Skittles.
Aquarius- You will wake
up in the morning with a
random person in your bed.
She will make you break
fast. It will be awkward.
Pisces- You will become
obsessed with betting peo
ple that they can't do 100
push-ups in 20 minutes.
You're weak. You can't
even do it yourself.
..~~~~
,~
~> .
[J.II
The Humor Pate
ma cause drowsiness
.
I op five of the week...
By Brad Kovakik
staff writer
Ihtlaailkings You Won't See At The 79th Annual Academy Awards on
Sunday...
Writers. What? I They don't get invited
,
4 Anyone named _•;''' , Oscar.
ch..
4
3 Sasha Baron Cohen
wearing a thong.
1
i
#,. R. Kelly sitting any • where near Dakota
2
.
Fanning.
4... .
Martin Scorsese winning an Oscar.
Th e Life of a Corrio, as t o ) d by Herbert Filby,
I
L%.4 1 ). ‘ i :
t im ..r.' 4.41 1 -. .
,
it
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That's the last
. : i My morn's gonna time n ever *burp*
,a,/.‘" kill me..
a aa , '! 1 4 party again. I j r
1 swearl 7 7
\\,,_ , 7 „ ......
Mike Sharkey
http://HerbertFilby.com February 22, 2007
Smurfette
By Jerry Pohl
assistant humor page edit
The newest member of
Blue Man Group only met
half of the requirements. SI
sure is blue, but she's noT
man. Also, she's not bai
She's Smurfette, and '
musical talent overcame
fact that the group will nk
have to change their name
The newly renamed BI
Group Experience will
touring with opening
Eiffel 65, to promote the
new album, Red Blues.
Smurfette will be play
one of the group's tradem,
wacky invention instrumen
She will run through small
plastic tubes as the three men lSmurfette's fans definitely weren't blue after her charismatic performance
blow into the tubes and hit them with drumsticks.
The group's manager, Papa, assures listeners that
this produces a unique sound and is the most inno
vative instrument since the group invented the drum
bone
Smurfette was narrowly chosen for the group
over Harmony Smurf. Harmony was disgruntled by
the decision, saying, "I have years more smurfing
experience than her, I'm the only smurfing one who
knows how to play the Shalakazoo, she's a total
smurfing sellout." The night Smurfette's selection
was announced, Harmony reportedly spent the night
drinking smilax with Grumpy Smurf. In a statement
to the press, Harmony said, "The Blue Man Group
only chose her in the hope that an attractive woman
would elevate their blueness. This shows a lack of
integrity on their part, and you should have seen
that cow before the plastic surgery."
Suspecting the group of communist ties, the pres
-
t oi
NoRuiv • safe ~, seliattle, cmakier inves!ing , in same nice slacks
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pilipt
Friday, February 23, 2007
I' oins BMG
ident has resurrected Senator Joseph McCarthy to
investigate them. McCarthy has uncovered that
Smurfette spent much of her life living in an isolat
ed socialist commune in the forest. In this commu
nity, each person was assigned a job to benefit the
collective. Calling her character into question.
McCarthy has accused Smurfette of living off of her
only marketable skill, being a woman. Smurfette
responded to these allegations in a press briefing
stating, "I have never smurfed anyone for money."
Watchdog groups suspect that McCarthy is work
ing with black arts practitioner, Gargamel.
Gargamel's apprentice, Scruple, let it slip during an
interview that they are working on a scheme called
Soylent Blue. The interview was cut short when
there was a colorful explosion, and wacky yet
unfrightening chaos ensued. However, this all
turned out to be a commercial for the new Intel
Pentium B, the smallest, bluest microchip yet.
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