Frida
September 8, 2006
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THE BEHREND BEACON
8 Friday
8 a.m. - Open House,
Mehalso Observatory
12 p.m. - Open Swim,
Junker Center
6 p.m. - Friday Night
Soccer, Erie Hall
Gymnasium
12 Tuesday
8 a.m. - Poster Sale,
Reed Union Building
12 p.m. - Organ and Flute
Recital, Smith Chapel
4 p.m. - Internship Search
Seminar: What, Why and
How, Reed 3
How to succeed in college
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
When colleges and universities start classes
each fall there are countless numbers of
incoming freshmen. For many of them, this is
their first time living away from home. It can
be a difficult time.
This presents freshmen with a lot of new
challenges and possibilities. There are also a
lot of myths floating around, whether from an
older sibling, or movies they may have seen,
or even on a website. So this is more or less a
guide to help you adjust to the college setting
and really survive your college years.
First and foremost, stay in your dorm room.
Only leave your room when you are required
to attend class and in extreme emergencies.
Nothing is more frightening than having to
make contact with new people.
You are in college to study, get good grades
and then move on with your life right? You do
not need to hear anyone else’s ideas or
“expand your horizons,” that is just plain silly.
Who knows more about the world than you?
So sticking to what you know is the best way
to go through college.
One of the worst mistakes you could make
is to talk to your roommate. Nothing makes
the year go faster than sitting in complete
silence while you are both in the room. You
could even try hiding under a pair of head-
phones. The music doesn’t even have to be
playing. If they try to talk to you, just stare at
■MgiM v ;
Top five of
This is a list of the top S things you would never want to hear your roommate tell you.
1. That wasn’t lemonade, that was my urine sample for my parole officer
2, 1 don't use deodorant anymore because the aluminum could give
you Alzheimer’s.
3, Ijust feel more comfortable when I sleep naked.
4, If we bunk our beds, I think FQ bp able to fit my drum set in here.
5, Bo you think it’s truethat if your fQGmmate dies you get As in your
Friday, Sept. 8 through Friday, Sept. 15
9 Saturday
9 a.m. - Women’s Tennis Match,
Tennis Courts
3 p.m. - Open Swim,
Junker Center
13 Wednesday
11 a.m. - West Corporation
Information, Reed Union Building
4:30 p.m. ■ Resume, Cover Letter
& Employer Contact, Reed 113
8 p.m. - Open Swim,
Junker Center
your computer screen and go back to editting
your MySpace page. Digital friends are the
only ones you really need anyway.
Since you already know that talking to new
people is a no-no in college, it follows that
joining a club or playing an intramural sport is
entirely out of the question. The only kind of
activity that would be acceptable is something
like a solitaire tournament. That way the only
person you could lose to would be yourself.
At this point in the semester, if your resident
assistant is trying to talk to you all the time or
Health and Wellness is calling you constantly,
then you might have to make some conces
sions. You may have to give in and join a
club. But at no point should you show any
part of your personality.
If someone at the meeting is talking about
something and you have a point to make, do
everyone including yourself, a favor and keep
quiet. No one likes some freshman coming in
thinking he has a “good idea,” trying to make
so called improvements. This will just make
you appear to be show-offish or a free thinker.
All of this information should prove useful
to your academic career. Remember, college
is about writing papers, reading books, and
taking tests. Regardless of how fun or inter
esting something may look, stick to what you
know. If you can follow these few guidelines
then you will be on your way to that 4.0 GPA
your parents always wanted.
the week
By Brad
10 Sunday
6 p.m. - Protestant Campus
Worship, Smith Chapel
9 p.m. - 3v3 Basketball,
Junker Center
\4Thursday
2 p.m. - Club Rush, Reed Union
Building
4:30 p.m. - Smith Reading Series,
Smith Chapel
5:30 p.m. - Senior Pride Kick-Off
Reception, The Cafe at REDC
Escape
Jordan Gilmore
copy editor
Recently I had one of those experiences that
make you throw up a little in your mouth. While
shopping at a local department store I recognized
the wife of a pastor I know. I instantly started
towards her to say hello. It was at this point that my
desire to wash my eyes out with undiluted Clorox
bleach kicked in like Steven Seagal busting into a
doughnut shop.
After taking a few steps towards her without
thinking, I became vaguely aware that the racks in
this department were filled with very tiny articles of
clothing. Probably shopping for her kids, I ration
alized. As I moved further in, however, I realized
that the clothing got bigger and bigger and looked
like defective parachutes. I glanced back at the
smaller articles and noticed that the manufacturers
seemed to be using more lace in the children’s
clothing. Confused by this new development, and
still a few feet from Mrs. Reverend, I stopped to
take stock of the situation.
I was standing in the middle of the lingerie
department.
In order to avoid detection, I quickly dropped to
the floor commando-style and started to crawl out
of the department like I was avoiding Charlie’s
snipers posted on the tops of the bra displays. As
soon as I was sure that I was clear of the danger
from a department store disaster
The Behrend Beacon I
11 Monday
8 a.m. - Poster Sale,
Reed Union Building
12 p.m. - Open Swim,
Junker Center
15 Friday
3 p.m. - Women’s Soccer Game,
Behrend Fields
6 p.m. - Friday Night Soccer,
Erie Hall Gymnasium
zone, I jumped up and ran out of the store, pushing
people out of my way and undoubtedly drawing
more than a few stares.
Is there anything more awkward than meeting
someone in the lingerie department whose under
wear you really don’t want to know anything about?
Besides bumping into someone at the strip club.
Before your shift is over. But I digress.
Of course this problem exists only for men.
Women don’t have to worry about bumping into
some guy in the men’s underwear section. It does
n’t exist. Of course, even if it did, there is no sexy
mystique attached to men’s underwear. Women
have a 50/50 shot at guessing what a man is wear
ing beneath his jeans; boxers or briefs. Men have
about a thousand different styles to choose from
when guessing what a woman is wearing. And we
don’t need that image ruined by inadvertently run
ning into you while you are shopping for big old
bloomers.
Since this is really only a problem for men, reac
tions to this story have differed between the sexes.
Every guy asks one of two questions: “Was she
hot?” or “What was she buying?” Sometimes they
ask both. But every woman asks the same question:
“What were you doing in the lingerie section?”
IT’S ON THE WAY TO THE DOOR! Besides,
its not like I was planning on seeing someone I
knew in there. Do you have any idea how awkward
church is these days?