Friday, March 24, 2006
SGA election 2006: Divided we sit
Soft support and soft drinks
The differences between this year's SGA presidential candidates
are stark and inconsequential. This was exemplified best at
Wednesday's debate. The McGarvey Commons was divided into
Soni and Straub supporters. Straub is supported by Justin Curry, who
wore a shirt supporting her. Curry lost last year's election. Soni is
supported by Zack Mentz, who was disqualified from last year's elec
tion, thus not even giving him the opportunity to 105e....0K so nei
ther ticket has a great base of support, but this is Behrend and they'll
take what they can get.
Three of the candidates were Business majors, giving them the
ability to do things with student's money that they can't possibly
understand or hold them accountable for. Soni was the only Political
Science major there. Surely her readings of Machiavelli will give her
a distinct advantage in the areas of crushing resistance and having no
remorse.
As with anything, the best measure of the candidates is in their
product placement. Aquafina provided bottled water for the debates.
SGA compensated them with no-bid contracts for all of Behrend's
water fountains. Soni and Zambanini were both sponsored by MDX
(the X is for extreme), with Zambanini drinking the sugar free kind,
since sugar is reserved for presidential candidates. Straub and
Middlemiss got twice as much funding by "branching out to two
companies" (failing to agree on one) with Middlemiss drinking
Gatorade and Straub promoting Dr. Pepper.
So this election the choice is clear, Mountain Dew [e]Xtreme or Dr.
Pepper, Straub or Soni; choose either one of the products bottled by
the same company.
Violence devastates parking lot
At the debate, Straub bravely broke the long silence over the crime
problem in the Wilson Picnic Grove parking lot. As she pointed out,
it is very poorly lit, which allows the criminal element to thrive there.
All students have had to deal with the Wilson Picnic Grove Gang.
The constant crimes committed there are only made worse by the fact
that people are too afraid to report such incidents to Police and
Safety. These crimes include clearing up litter without a permit,
aggravated windshield washing, and unauthorized leaf raking. The
most glaring problem of all is, of course, the rampant arson. Where
Behrend's historic Apathy Prevention building once stood, there is
now only the gorge, which was created in the great Wilson Picnic
Grove tire of 1984.
SGA merges with Matchbox Players
At the debate, Zambanini praised the Matchbox Players for their
increase in membership through great publicity, recruitment, and
events. After complaining that SGA is a "stuffy room" and saying he
plans to make meetings more fun, his agenda was clear. Zambanini
plans to turn SGA into Improv. SGA meetings will now consist of a
warm-up game, free pizza, and the gavel will be replaced by miming.
This change will be a lateral move, as Zambanini said, "We're stu
dents, we're not a professional government."
Biased interview
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
j hp I 53 (a' psu.edu
I sat down for an interview with
the SGA presidential candidates.
Meredith Straub respectfully
declined to be interviewed, but
Deepti Soni was more than will
ing to answer my obviously
loaded questions.
When asked how much money
she took from Jack Abermoff,
Soni dodged the question saying,
"As a Political Science major, I
am smart enough not to take any
money. Besides, Franklin D.
Roosevelt said, 'Happiness is not
in the mere possession of money;
it lies in the joy of achievement,
in the thrill of creative effort.—
When asked the obvious ques
tion, "Why do you hate
America?" Soni responded,
"Well, I don't. I love America but
I do hate our Constitutional right
to have unfunny humor
columns."
Once the interviewer stopped
crying, Soni was asked which
civil liberties were unnecessary.
She restated her stance on an
important issue, saying, "The lib
erty to write humor columns that
aren't funny and maybe the right
to try to find a parking spot on
campus during a blizzard."
Reporting on the issues you
want to know about, as always, I
asked Soni how many of SGA's
Sheetz coupons she would give
me to vote for her. She answered
me with a question, asking, "How
many will it take for you to over
dose on their cold meatball sand
wiches?"
I asked Soni if she supported handle important decisions once a
the war to liberate the REDC. She month. As she left she said,
avoided directly answering the "Don't you know Jerry, it's
question by saying, "Once we get Women's History Month? lam a
furniture and equipment, it will woman, lam invincible!"
automatically be liberated."
When asked which faculty
member her Vice President will
shoot in the face while quail hunt-
ing, Soni showed her indecisive
ness by not making a choice,
instead saying, "He doesn't eat
quail."
I asked Soni if, upon winning,
she would be less evil than during
the campaign. She skillfully evad-
ed my question yet again, saying,
"As Molly Ivins said, 'I believe
that ignorance is the root of all
evil. And that no one knows the
truth."
Regardless of who wins,
Behrend will soon have a female
president. This obviously prompts
the question of any candidate, "If
you win, do you want to date the
Humor Page editor?" Soni coyly
answered, "Depends, is there a
new Humor Page editor?"
The most relevant question I
asked Soni was, "If I said you had
a beautiful student body, would
you hold it against me?" She sug-
gestively responded, "Why thank
you, I know. Behend's student
body is very beautiful. It is
diverse, intellectual, and very
warm and loving."
I asked Soni how she would be
able to have the laundry done and
dinner on the table every night if
she's busy being President. She
was already in the process of
solving the problem, saying, "I
am negotiating with Housing and
Food Services right now to take
over these chores, plus I can't
cook or do laundry anyways."
The interview was concluded
abruptly after I asked Soni if she
would have the Vice President
- r -
r-
Iji\/[
Your money at work, for them
One important question raised at the debate was the issue of
whether the candidates supported raising the student activity fee. The
question itself elicited a barrage of "Oh Snaps" from the audience.
Showing that she is strong enough to make a campaign promise to
raise taxes, Straub's ticket responded in favor of raising the fee so
that there would be more money to give to the students for program
ming. The plan is simple: they take student's money, and then give
them back a portion of it; it's called generosity. Soni's ticket respond
ed that they are in favor of not raising the fee. They have concocted
some absurd plan to spend the current funds more efficiently, failing
to realize that the cost of tape and red dye for that tape will be pro
hibitive.
On the subject of finance, Straub thinks Main Campus is generous
with the money it gives to Behrend, while Soni feels their generosity
is lacking. To let the people decide, here's how it works: Main
Campus, or Penn State as it is more commonly known, receives fund
ing from the state of Pennsylvania in the form of a river full of
money. Students at Main Campus run up to the river with buckets, fill
them with money, and send the money to satellite campuses like
Behrend. Main Campus is generous to allow us to live off its scraps,
considering that without its funding, tuition would be $5 billion per
semester.
The topic of SGA's spending of student money was brought up.
Zambanini exposed SGA's secret plan to funnel money from clubs to
buy baked goods saying, "We have our hands in everyone else's
cookie jar." Middlemiss also revealed a scandal, saying of SGA's
relation to students, - We're spending your money." Upon investiga
tion, it has been discovered that SGA ransacks the mailroom when
they are short on funds. They use the student credit card numbers
they get to commit identity theft, as well as taking $lO checks from
grandmas.
Lack of misinformation cripples platform
Both sides considered the debates a success, because this year they
at least knew where they were. The same cannot be said of knowing
when they were. Due to Soni's frequent trips through time, she has
lost the ability to recognize standard periods of time such as years. In
addition to having to ask what a year was several times, it was also
revealed that she declined an invitation to Harvard so that she could
run for president here. She was shocked when it was explained to her
that Harvard is a very prestigious college that is hard to get into. Soni
also made the statement that, "If the Senate voted on it I would defi
nitely decline my stipend." After the debate, she learned the truth that
being a college student is expensive and that money can be
exchanged for goods and services. The news was even more devas
tating when she was told that her stipend was, in fact, equivalent to
money.
-- - "Is there any way
/, ::,-
. __. 1 , we can suspend
(7.N....• the constitution
,---
--
„,,,, ,\I ) to get quorum?"
0.: •
.
% • , N.,,
...- ;
\ I
i.„...._., , ~)
\\i .
7 Ken
\ 1 Middiemiss
Sponsered by: https://secure.bd.psu.edu/sgavoting/
Wl=
ffl==
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
jhp I 53 (aMsu edu
Club presidents go mad with power
One of Soni's goals is to give more power to student organizations.
Clearly, with more power than they already have, the clubs will
destroy the campus and create total chaos. The Astronomy club will
crash the observatory into the moon, the Biology club will bioengi
neer a giant hedgehog named Lavos, and the Physics club will com
press the REDC to a singularity. If this agenda goes through, we will
all end up seeing the Nittany Lion statue half buried in sand as club
officers hark orders from atop saddled staff members.
Soni's running mate, Zambanini, plans to balance this by wanting ,
to know everything clubs and organizations are doing. Under the
guise of helping them publicize events, Zambanini will demand total
surveillance of all club offices. Soon, all members of clubs will have
Telescreens in their dorm rooms. This new proposal will be a boon
for Behrend's Wire Tapping club.
Throughout the debate, Straub and Middlemiss continually brought
up their involvement with THON. This has of course brought accusa
tions that they are exploiting kids with cancer for their own benefit:
for shame. Soni and Zambanini questioned whether or not Straub and
Middlemiss did their own advertising for THON. This has of course
brought accusations that they are attacking people who help kids with
cancer: for shame. When reached for comment, a random child,
helped by THON said, "Why are they having debates and forums
when they could be raising money to ease my suffering?"
One of the important issues to Soni is that Behrend stop "losing
students" to Main Campus. It is unclear how SGA will benefit from
holding students back and preventing them from getting true Penn
State degrees. A possible explanation for her statements was revealed
when she started a "We Are... Penn State" chant in the middle of the
debate. Clearly something happened on her last trip to Main Campus.
An investigation is currently underway to determine whether she was
brainwashed or replaced with a cyborg. If elected, the two plan to
hide the truth about this by running SGA meetings from afar using
Facebook, and have already founded a group that would allow them
to do so.
Straub and Middlemiss were so flustered by the lack of funding for
their proposed projects that they had to ask for questions to be repeat
ed several times. One such proposal was Straub's idea to have a
"Rally at the Rotunda in Reed." Just as they did from last year's over
priced dance floor, students will undoubtedly benefit from the build
ing of a costly rotunda in the Reed Building. Middlemiss was enthu
siastic, acting as though his plans had already been implemented. He
spoke of the bleachers in the Reed Building. This is actually because
Middlemiss is from an alternate universe, where the Reed Building is
filled with bleachers for all the well attended events in the McGarvey
Commons, Reed 117, Bruno's, and even the bookstore.
Elections flawed
By Bryce Alexander Sayers
staff writer
hass(X)4o psu edu
The SGA, in response to low
voter turnout, has decided to take
unusual measures in obtaining
election results. Originally the
election was going to be resolved
by coin toss, but was called off
when the penny hit the table on
the way to the floor. Following
the rejection of the coin toss was
a match of rock paper scissors.
Unfortunately, it too was can
celled when one of the candidates
(name not released to protect
identity) repeatedly introduced
weapons other than the three rec
ognized by the Rock Paper
Scissors Association (RPSA).
When asked about the illegal
content, the candidate replied,
"They were afraid of my pacifist
campaigning. You see, whenever
I am engaged in a match of Rock
Paper Scissors, I extend the two
Je Pohl
Petty Quote of the Debate
"I hate to be petty about
small things like the other
ticket."
With 0% of precincts
reporting, the Humor Page
calls the SGA election for
Zack Mentz
Mud slung lower than ever
Candidate sells out your future
Budget discourages candidates
The Behrend Beacon I 7
fingers like I'm going to attack
with scissors, but suddenly turn
them toward the sky to turn it into
a peace sign, because peace is the
most powerful weapon of all."
After an agonizing nine-minute
closed session, the SGA at last
decided on a fullproof method to
resolve the election. The candi
dates will take the "Which Star
Wars Character are You?" quiz.
After their identities are revealed,
the names of the characters will
be entered into Googlefight. The
winner of the Googlefight will
obtain the presidency. If the quiz
names one of the candidates as
Boba Fett, they win automatical
ly. In the event of a tie, the can
didates will be required to write a
pilot for a sitcom. Whoever cre
ates the show that succeeds in
replacing NBC's "Joey" will
inevitably quit the race to pursue
a career in screenwriting. The
runner up will then take the
vacancy.
—Deepti Soni