I The Behrend Beacon
Punxsutawney Phil Punk'd
By Annie Sevin
editor in chief
cilitorinchtel p.u.edu
Put that furry little rodent hack in its
cage! No, that was not an innuendo.
Why must the American population
(and the people in other countries for
that matter) be subjected to another
pointless holiday? If the answer to
that question is because Americans
like to have some remote reason to
party, then throw the holiday away.
It is useless to toss an innocent and
clueless groundhog into a hole in
Gobbler's Knob before the crack of
dawn, open the door and then scare
the bejeezus out of him. So what if he
sees or doesn't see his shadow...who
really cares? No one. No one cares
because no one, absolutely no one.
actually celebrates the meteorological
talents of a woodchuck! And if any
one says they do, they are lying.
There are only four types of people
that go to Punxsutawney (Punxy) to
see good old Phil: Type 1 people
who live in Punxy: type 2 the media:
type 3 teenagers (and those who
think they still can act like teenagers)
looking for an excuse to get wasted on
a school day: and type 4 crazies
from other states and/or countries.
It's hard to comprehend the reason
Fail when you try next Thursday
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
ihpls3(a psu edu
On Feb. 9, Try To Fail Day will once again he
upon us. The purpose of this day is to try to
accomplish things that you know you will fail at.
For most of the year, there are those things you
don't bother attempting because you know that
you have no chance at succeeding. On Feb 9,
don't try to succeed; try to fail. Try betting
money on your victory in a sport you've never
played before. Try to find buried treasure in your
neighbor's yard. Try dropping out of school to
become a grape farmer. Buying a lottery ticket
Steelers play Nittany Lions in Hyperbowl
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
hp I 53 Or ptiu.edu
This Sunday, before the Super
Bowl, The Pittsburgh Steelers will
face Penn State's Nittany Lions in
the Hyper Bowl.
As with all football games for the
past several years, the game will not
actually be played, as it is cheaper to
film and broadcast the playing of a
game of Madden 2006. Most
Behrend students are conflicted
about who to root for. On one hand,
many students are from Pittsburgh.
On the other hand, a Nittany Lion
loss could raise tuition. Some
Buy a Gross, it's no imposition!
that people take this day so serious
ly. Okay. so Bill Murray starred in a
movie called Groundhog Day (there
was only one scene that was actually
filmed in Punxy). What if he hadn't
done that movie? Would as many
people know about little Phil?
Would anyone really care?
It's a little hit ridiculous to think
that there are high schools in this
state that cancel classes for
Groundhog Day but not for
Veteran's Day. There is a bigger
hoopla made in Punxy on Feb. 2
than on the Fourth of July!
Groundhog Day is a bigger mockery
of human civilisation than Sweetest
Day (Oct. 16)
For those readers who don't know
anything about Punxsutawney, it is
very much a Podunk town. It's one
of those "blink and you miss it''
communities, and Gobbler's Knob is
really nothing more than a grassy lit
tle knoll in a lackluster park. The
high school spoils teams are named
the Punxsutawney Chucks (?!).
There are murals of Phil, the moving
target, everywhere, even on the side
of their McDonald's building. Any
town that prides itself on showcasing
a whistle pig rather than exterminat
ing it is not a town worth going to on
any day of the year.
will have even less probability of success
Some of the world's most well known failures
are people you wouldn't expect. Einstein failed
to think up a unified field theory. Edison failed
to invent a machine to suck darkness out of a
room, settling for one that filled it with light.
Chuck Norris failed to reduce his awesonmosity
to stable levels.
Amelia Etirhart, Nevell Chamberlin and Wile
E. Coyote arc just a few examples of people who
have inspired failures everywhere.
Here are some tips on how to decorate your
space for Ti' To Fail Day. The obvious way to
decorate is to commemorate your own past fail
ures. Dig out a test you got an F on and put that
4[DI
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During the Hyper
Bowl, advertisers will pay $lO million for a ten second commercial, and
that's for ads on channels competing with the game. Commercials during
the game itself are much more expensive. China bought a 30 second spot
in exchange for all of the tea contained within their boarders. Steve Jobs
sold his soul to buy a 45 second iPod commercial during the game. For
some reason, Jack Abramoff was offered a free 20 second ad. The popular-
ho count trill 'et it
up on your refrigerator. Display a photograph of
yourself being romantically rejected. Make a
scrapbook of jobs in the classifieds that you're
not qualified for. These things will help you give
your dorm that ambience of failure.
Several Behrend organizations are planning
events for this year's Try To Fail Day. The
Matchbox Players will attempt to make the audi
ence laugh at Improv; the Vegas odds on this are
currently 217:1. The Lion Entertainment Board
will submit an SAF proposal for a comedian
people have actually heard of. The Behrend
Beacon is also getting involved by trying to pub
lish ten full pages of relevant content. Read next
week's edition to see how much of a failure it is.
State of the Union/animal hybrid
In Tuesday's State of the Union
address, President Bush finally
broke the long silence over a
major controversy and spoke out
against human-animal hybrids.
This is a decisive, reasonable
action taken by our President in
the face of an imminent threat to
our freedom. If our intelligent
designer intended there to be
human-animal hybrids, he would
have made bestiality legal in the
ten commandments.
In scientific circles, these
hybrids are known as chimeras.
Natural chimeras, such as cen
taurs, existed thousands of years
ago, but were hunted to extinction
by pure humans. Ancient humans
feared chimeras like the
Minotaur. Even the less threaten
ing chimeras with goat legs did
not survive to the modern day.
The only chimeras left today are
mermaids, and they are on the
endangered species list.
There are some chimeras that
have recently evolved naturally
Behrend students
decided to support the
Penn State team, as
they were Cleveland
Browns tans anyway.
Zealous
Pittsburgh fans were
not upset, saying.
"They're paying out
of state tuition, so at
least they got what
they deserved. -
This year's half
time show will be the
biggest spectacle yet,
John Lennon and
George Harrison will
be brought back to
life to perform a
Beatles reunion. The
stadium itself will be
transmuted into pure
energy for 17 sec
onds, and during the
grand finale, Chuck
Norris will fight him
self from the future.
The real story is
in the commercials
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
hp I 53(wpsiLedu
Website:of/the.Week
http://www.happynews.com/
Quote of the Week
"Yesterdays are my
busiest days."-Bryce Sayers
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ity of the Hyper Bowl even allows the Beacon to charge extra for ad space,
provided they run an article about the game.
Friday, February 3, 2006
with strange new powers. In
response to this, some senators are
proposing a Chimera Registration
Act (CRA), but a bald guy and a
redhead have been successfully
lobbying against it. Some chimeras
have banded together to form
groups that fight for the rights of
chimeras; the most notable of these
groups is the Thundercats.
CIA satellite photos show evi
dence of strange activity on an
island in the Pacific. The owner of
the island, Dr. Moreau, says noth
ing unorthodox is going on. All
reporters sent to the island have
decided not to return, but have
requested that catnip and eucalyp
tus be sent to them.
It's not natural chimeras that
Bush is against, but rather, artifi
cial ones created through alchemy.
Chimeras are very complex crea
tures that can only be created by
skilled state alchemists. Chimeras
are indeed dangerous creatures, but
even more dangerous are homun
culi, artificially created humans.
Currently, 40 percent of the
defense budget goes to researching
the creation of the philosopher's
stone.