I The Behrend Beacon
No disassemble
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
jhp 1 53 OP psu.edu
Look out America! Our American
future here in America is not guaran
teed. America's technology is threat
ening America from within our very
American society. America can no
longer allow American progress to
continue unchecked. That's not our
America, that's barely Canada.
The technological advancements
our American freedom gives us the
liberty to pursue in America arc going
too far, too far away from what
America stands for. When un-
American Americans go too far, it's up
to the American government to step in
and keep America from becoming un-
American.
Science has given us plenty of good
things: printers, television, bombs, but
science can also go too far. Science
has gotten plenty of things wrong:
Apollo 13, evolution, calculus, and we
have to stop these scientists before
they nearly kill us all again.
America was founded on the princi
ples of Americanism: life, liberty, and
manifest destiny. The first and most
American of those American princi
ples is life; some Americans are for
getting that. The problem at hand is, of
course, robots.
Scientists keep making robots. They
keep making them smarter and more
deadly, despite the warnings of movies
like The Terminator, The Matrix and
Short Circuit 2. If we don't do some
thing about it. we could all find our
selves facing a T-1000, an Agent
Smith, or a Johnny Five.
Isaac Newton wrote the three laws
of robotics: 1. Crush 2. Kill 3. Destroy.
Yet scientists foolishly pursue a pro
robot agenda, even teaching classes on
building and operating robots in our
BE>s,CON
Libra (September 23 - October 23)
You are drawn to the spiritual this week, but your financial limita
tions (lack of money) are becoming obvious. Prayer groups and AA
meetings are a good idea; however, if you are invited to "invest" in
a "support group," "church" or perhaps a "spiritual warfare and
deliverance center," you might consider holding off until your
finances are more in order.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 22)
You can do nothing to mend broken family ties now, but don't be
afraid to blur the edges of what is real and enjoy a fantasized
moment of joy. Imagine this is the week you've finally shown your
grandma how to cruise the information super-highway. Imagine
you've convinced her to upgrade her sewing machine to a model,
that is programmable via USB connection to her personal comput
er. She could upload terrific patterns and then plaster them all over
your pillowcases, underwear and bed sheets. Your grandma could
put a dinosaur on the seat of your tighty-whiteys. Then you'd be
cool. Yeah.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 22)
Your home and office ought to fall in line for you this week. You'll
wonder if everyone's been abducted and replaced: they will look to
you for positive guidance and directions. Josh M., your girlfriend is
not being faithful to you.
Capricorn (December 21 - January 20)
Don't let relationship issues cloud your judgment. Oh wait; you're
a scary -cat who replaces your social life with your professional
life. Just tty to let go and have a good time, because there's nothing
you can do about the lollercoaster of super-fun whose up-slope you
are probably already riding. You're going to need a massage after
this stressful week, but you deserve it, because you're normally so
busineSselib (stuck-uP).
Aquarhia (Jamutry 20 - February 18)
public schools
The robots have already
planned out how the world
will be after they take over.
This post-apocalyptic world
is depicted most horrifically
in Pixar's Robots. In this
film, the robots live in peace
after completely killing all
humans and almost any
thing non-mechanical.
The robots arc even
trating our society, putting
robotic role models on TV
for our children to see.
Shows like Battle Bots and
characters like Bender lull
our people into a false sense
of security.
"I'd prefer to die in some
type of apocalypse, - said
Rob Otnik. COMM 0.5.
"Robot type would he nice,
or maybe zombies. - Talk
like this shows that the
American people are far too
complacent, just as the
robots desire. "But what
would own would he sur-
viving and living in some
cool post-apocalyptic
world, - said Otnik.
"Because I may not being
doing great now, hut after the apoca
lypse I'm fairly sure I'll he some sort
of hero, maybe with powers, you
know, from the radiation."
Though comic hooks have taught us
that radiation gives people powers and
doesn't, in fact, kill them as science
lobbyists would have you believe. will
the superpowers we get he enough to
allow us to vanquish the robots?
"Law of averages, it has to give
someone powers... said Dr. Cesar
Tropical, professor of physics at Penn
State Erie. "Something in that person's
DNA. the radiation unleashes the true
I MAO
r
r-
Our new automaton overloards demand obedience. Even those crudely constructed of legos are intimidating. Prepare to he assimilated
potential of them, or whatever, it's all
good. Didn't you see X-men?"
Some students already have plans
for after the robot apocalypse. "It'll be
me, some other heroes, a few villains,
and some babes, - said Meg Aman.
COMM 11. "I'm currently taking
applications for a sidekick."
Still other students continue to live
in denial of our nearly certain future
and claim other fates are in store.
"One of those totalitarian regime
futures might he nice." said Ann
Droid COMM 03. "I could he an
underground freedom fighter that the
Random ram
blings: Japan
By Michelle Vera Suroviec
photography editor
mis 121 psu.edu
Japan is not a planet. It's a country. It
still takes the mail two weeks to get
there though. Their snow is different.
that's why we don't ski there. They
have the bullet train, and it goes really
fast. Sometimes it goes so fast it falls
off the tracks. I had a friend who went
to Japan. Everyone in Japan wanted to
have sex with her because she was an
American, even though she wasn't that
pretty. When she came back she made
us all watch Sumo wrestling tapes.
They're not really interesting. They
throw rice most of the time. But they
never eat it. China has rice too.
By John Bigus, anonymous psychic
If you don't start fixing up your home this week, it'll never get done.
Put down your books, and step away from your nurturing, intro
spective outlook; get to work. Don't stop, because you won't want
to finish if you do. Sleep? Bah! Are you a girly-man, or a girly-girl?
Pift. Let me bench-press you, girly-person. You are not impressed?
I will toss you over my shoulder like a continental soldier, puny
Aquarius. Don't you dare think about relaxing or enjoying a minute
of your time this week. Why are you still reading the newspaper?
Pisces (February 18 - March 20)
Your romantic energies are pretty high this week; however, they're
high in the way Butterfingers Smith is energetic when he goes for
the lateral pass. Don't fumble, Instead, pretend you are a suave
secret agent infiltrating an enemy complex to steal a sample of a
toxic biological agent while being hunted by spherical death robots
as you rappel from office window to office window and your frus
tration ought to blow over soon.
Aries (March 20 April 20)
Your extended family has been on your mind recently, but you
should ignore those rnlrlings and pay more attention to dusting your
living area. Have you checked above the doorway? Did you miss
behind the television? Timmy has cancer and Mary has started
meth, but that really is not relevant. Use a static-brush to get around
your window blinds. Never forget your bookcase. And always,
always use a slightly moist washcloth when cleaning the edges of
your computer monitor.
Taurus (April May 21)
If you feel over-confident and super-human this week, trust that
your amazing accomplishments won't impress anyone. Your per
sonality, sense of pride and physical health are being pumped full
of Pluto's energy this week; you may be accused of selfishness, but
those people are only revealing their jealousy. Parade in your most
showy clothes, and wash and vacuum your:vehicle before going out
this week—you're at the top of the food chain. Yon might consider
The we , )le irlm count will 'el if
HOKOSCOPES
D
r \
government tried to kill hut the thing
they thought would kill me only made
me stronger, also I'll have a ray run."
"Maybe the earth is destroyed. but
there's early space colonies," said
Dave Hal, ENGL 05. "Every day. life
is a struggle. and at first I'm just trying
to get by. probably in retail, hut then I
have to stand up for something. I rally
some people around me and we'll take
on some guy who's getting rich off the
squalor somehow. So I kick that guy in
the shins and then get a trophy."
These futures sound much more
pleasant than years of slavery at the
Facebook Profile of the Week
Following "Old Navy's" co-opting of his unique style. Waldo went
deep into seclusion and was unfound for nearly a decade. After a peri
od of intense psychotherapy. Waldo was able to regain his self-image
and walk the streets among the many "copycat, striped shirt wearing,
infidels" as he referred to them in his dark period. Waldo then made a
dire error when, in an attempt to enrich his marketable skillset beyond
the ability to become somewhat lost in crowd settings, he enrolled at
Penn State and promptly had a relapse due to the overwhelming num
ber of trendy "Old Navy" wearing students. Waldo has recently begun
a psychotropic drug regime to allow him to return for the fall semester,
but he remains rather twitchy.
http://psu.facebook.com/profile.phrid=93o6737
Editor's note: Facebook.coin Profile of the Week is a showcase of creative profiles from the websit
Facehook.com. This is not affiliated with the creators, owners or opperators of the site.
adding "mighty" before your name. Wouldn't you love to be Mighty
Joe?
Gemini (May - June 21)
Your intellectual energies are burning hot, and you will be support
ed by everyone except authority figures this week. Damn those
authority figures. They're plotting against you. Just because you
daydream while driving, walking, cooking, planning, typing and
working, they think they can kick you out and throw you away.
There's only one solution: steal their pants, If they have no pants,
they have no power over you. Change is your master—make it
theirs! Introduce those despicable pansies to a real life-altering
dilemma. Take them down a notch.
Cancer (June 21 - July 21)
The world hates you. Your aspirations are shoddy and unrealistic.
Your accumulatpd failures are representative of , a lack of discipline
and consistent bad decision& The only solution is illegal and
unpublisttable. This week isn't recognizable as even a scuff on the
boot of your coal-mining shoes.
Leo (July 22 - August 23)
Do.not worry about your homework this week. Rest your weary
eyes and your aching limbs. Enjoy yourself, and have fun this
week. Your social life is ten guilli tinges more important than
any transitory "class." Your future dh delicious, warm cookies
and tasty ice cream. Becoming fat is a myth ---eat your fill. Sleep
your days away, and watch the clouds pass you by.
vino (August 23 - September 23)
Your health might take you away from home this week. Police pro•
.
tcction could turn out lucky for you, especially right now. Also,
studying alone may increase your health s risks. This week will be
dramatic and exciting, and the source of greatchange on your jour
ney. If that's not your thing, maybe you should go back to bed and
take the rest of the week Oft
Friday, October 21, 2005
hands of cruel robotic masters. which
is what awaits us all. The only way to
avoid that and enjoy an alternate apoc
alypse is to let our representatives in
Congress know that the scientists must
he stopped.
Science itself isn't had: we'll need
genetic enhancements to fight the
robots and possibly aliens when the
time comes, hut building robots is
nothing hut short-sighted. No real
American would hand over our future
to his own morbid scientific curiosity.
As always. if you support robots.
you're kind of a terrorist.
By Chris Hvizdak
opinion editor
cehlB6 p s u d u , ,