I The Behrend Beacon
Campus overrun by alumni
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor/jbp 153(4psu.edu
This past weekend was Behrend's Parents and
Families Weekend. Concurrent with this event
W'as an annual occurrence that happens with the
arrival of every autumn. Behrend's biology
department has been studying the phenomenon for
some time.
“The majesty of nature can be seen first hand,
right here at this campus." said Stephanie Irwin, a
biology professor from Main Campus who has
been visiting Behrend for many years solely to
observe this event. “Once a year, a few days after
the autumnal equinox, one of nature's most awe
inspiring miracles takes place."
"When these creatures congregate so that we
may observe them, it gives us a chance to learn a
great deal." said Mitchell Omaha. 04 BIOLOGY.
“This is one of those rare opportunities when sci
ence can observe the behavior of an animal so
closely related to humans."
The breathtaking spectacle everyone is here to
see is the appearance of the elusive and wiley
alumni. Every year, the wild and untamed alumni
come out of the forests and return to their native
mating grounds at Behrend. Ever since the second
Alumni Reunion, as the event is called, food has
been placed out to lure the alumni to places where
they can be best observed and studied.
Despite the sumptuous banquets, many alumni
refused to scavenge in this way. choosing instead
to graze on Behrend’s ample foliage. This ritual-
LOST & FOUND
LOST
Marine blue colored contact for the left
eye last seen somewhere between the
apartments and the Reed Union
Building.
Very rare Penn State logo baseball cap
Collectors item.
SS.O(X) cash in a bright red envelope
that reads "FREE MONEY." $5 reward
available.
Plastic case for TLC’s CrazySexyCool
casette tape. Please return case - disre-
gard tape
Cell phone service somewhere on the
first floor of the Kochel Building.
Virginity. If found, please call 6488
Love the smell Photoshoppers
of comedy in the Needed
morning?
Like that picture in the
Write for The top right comer? It might
Humor Page not be there next week. If
you can photoshop
contactjbpls3@psu.edu con ,actjbpls3@psu.edu
, soon your wing heal and then we’
“Oh Poi
By Melissa R Whitten
staff writer/mrwso29@psu.edu
FOUND
Various snack food items in the
Dobbins stairwell. Must claim by
Wednesday or they will be eaten.
Hardback copy of the Communist
Manifesto. Can he returned after it is
read.
Empty envelope that reads "FREE
MONEY." Reward available ’
The HolyThail. To claim, must answer
three questions.
TLC’s CrazySexyCool on cassette tape
Case missing.
Silver charm bracelet with ponies and
shamrocks.
ized feeding has become known as the Arboretum
Tour. “It costs hundreds of thousands of dollars of
student's money to maintain the rare trees year
round." said Pam Isley. doctor of Biology and
Experimental Agriculture at Penn State Erie. "But
without the trees, many of the Alumni would
starve"
“Without the trees and Housing & Food
Services food trays, the alumni might attack the
students." said Karen Ovor, 04 ZOOLOGY. “The
alumni need to feed several times a day and can
smell when a student is tired from an all night
studv session."
“It's been years since anyone has come in after
being bitten by an alumnus." said Ray Chett of the
Health and Wellness Center. “The alumni will
most often go for the tendons in the back of the
leg. Their teeth are specially designed to slice
right through student's denim jeans.”
The alumni tend to congregate in groups based
on age Alumni range in age, some being as young
as their early twenties. The age of some alumni is
more difficult to gauge, but can sometimes be
determined by which buildings they are familiar
with.
Like the monarchs returning to Capistrano, the
annual return of the alumni is one of nature’s most
thrilling spectacles. Some day, man may learn to
live in harmony with these gentle creatures or we
might end up in a nightmarish distopia where our
cruel alumni masters use us for slave labor as they
bury the Statue of Liberty in sand.
set you free.'
I UiVI OR
r
r
The ncon/c who count will t ’el il
Facebook.com
Profile of the Week
Boba Fett
One of Penn State’s most successful
independent businessmen is the class of
1980’s, Boba Fett. After earning
degrees in Criminal Justice and
Applied Behavioral Analysis, he ful
filled his life long dream of becoming a
soldier of fortune. In his job as a profes
sional bounty hunter, he has traveled to
places far, far away and has met many
interesting characters. Even though he
graduated a long time ago. he is still
working to repay his student loans to
the J. T. Hutt savings and loansharking
agency. After college, he has continued
to expand his skill set, earning a pilot’s
license for many different crafts, and
has become proficient in jet pack oper
ation.
Editor’s note: Facebook.com Profile of the Week is a
showcase of creative profiles from the website
Faccbook.com. This is not affiliated with the creators,
owners or opperators of the site.
Random ramblings:
Television
By Michelle Vera Suroviec
photography editor/mis 121 @psu.edu
We only had three channels. Cable
didn’t come into our area. We would
fight over the remote control and my
brothers would lock me out of the
house so they could watch what they
wanted to watch in the winter. I told
them I didn’t care about the pom; I just
wanted a sandwich. It was really neat
when they put TVs in our school.
Because then we could watch Jerry
Springer. When my brother was in
prison they watched Jerry Springer, but
they had to put the subtitles on because
it was so noisy. He said it wasn’t as
interesting when you had to read. My
old roommate ended up on Jerry
Springer. I guess she was into old guys.
She dropped out of school and then she
got pregnant. But that’s not the reason
she was on Jerry Springer.
QUOTE OF
THE WEEK
“Stop flirting
with me, I
don’t smell
like
almonds.”
-Jennifer Haight
BF.HREND B, JON
The rare North American plaid-breasted alumnus, obviously startled by the camera during his feeding.
Have you ever noticed that whenever
there is a slow news day, the papers and
the media will throw anything at us just
to fill space and airtime? Need to fill
space? Should we do a story on the
missing money sent to help rebuild
Iraq? No, of course not. we do not want
to rock the boat. Why don’t we investi
gate animal life at the zoo instead?
Perhaps they can enlighten us on ways
to explore meaning in our own lives.
One example of stories like this is one
most recently published in the New
•York Times, the sad tale of Silo & Roy.
Silo and Roy are two chinstrap pen
guins who reside in the scenic Central
Park Zoo. The two male penguins have
been together since 1998. Yes. that's
right - together. Not that there’s any
thing wrong with that! Although, it is
unusual for older penguins to bond with
members of the same sex. Silo and Roy
beat the odds. Not only are they
reknowned for having the neatest nest
in the zoo. but they are famous for fre
quenting NYC events such as
Broadway shows, art exhibits, lavish
parties and fashion shows. Silo and
Roy have been fixed up on many dates
with the opposite sex, but always find
themselves drawn to each other. Rob
Gramzay. the senior penguin keeper at
the zoo, simply says “They seem to be
a good pair together.” Gramzay also
said that, although he has never seen
them consummate their love, they have
engaged in mating rituals like entwin
ing their necks. [I tried that once with
my girlfriend and the only thing I got
out of it was a bill from my chiroprac
tor.]
“A year after being together, Silo and
Roy seemed interested in starting a
family” said Gramzay. He noticed that
The Behrend administration has pur
chased the Pied Piper's pipe. After last
week's startling discovery of the 13th
century rat and youth attracting pipe,
the administration knew they needed to
have it. "We were going to rent more
llamas for another petting zoo, but this
pipe was too good to pass up," said
recruiting director Madeline J. Wan.
The Piper family agreed to sell it for
the paltry sum of ten thousand dollars.
"We figured, sure it's an heirloom, but
it's got that whole associated-with
killing-128-children thing."
Some students are upset about the
purchase. "They unearthed it from their
sub-basement, and said it hadn't been
used in 700 years - how do we know if
it still has any magic powers left?" Said
Ann Onomus The family has guaran
teed that the artifact is still magical, but
some students are upset that the only
collateral is an, "oops, we're sorry!"
Strut of the penguins
By Anthony Cianciosi
staff writer/auc 164@psu.edu
Piper’s Pipe Purchased
By Logan Stack
staff writer/lwsl 18@psu.edu
Friday, October 7, 2005
both of them were trying to incubate a
rock as if it was an egg. A year later, the
zoo gave the happy couple their own
egg to hatch and raise. Silo and Roy
were the proud parents of a baby girl.
Tango. The world was looking bright
for Silo and Roy. their new baby girl,
the neatest nest in the zoo, the first sea
son of Will and Grace on DVD, and
most of all, each other. Not that there’s
anything wrong with that! But trouble
started around May of 2004. After
being kicked out of their nest by two
aggressive penguins, they began to drift
apart and Silo’s eye began to wander.
Silo took interest in a young female
penguin named Scrappy, a Californian
nest-wrecker. Roy has been seen spend
ing his days alone standing in a comer
staring at the wall. But the good news is
that Siegfried is looking for a new Roy.
Silo and Scrappy packed up and
moved to the other side of the aquarium
and have hatched two eggs together.
Roy still has not found a mate and still
wanders around by himself. If anyone
is interested in going on a date with
Roy, he has a profile on
eHarmony.com. But be warned if you
are not matched on all 29 dimensions of
compatibility, he won’t respond.
Although this story ended on a sad
note, something good will eventually
come out of it. Love makes all things
possible, whatever the situation. It can
make you laugh, cry, or even try to
incubate a rock. But there is something
we can all take away from this, and that
is that nothing is ever certain in life.
Things change and it’s not always
known why. So live in the moment,
hang on to the memories and just keep
trying to incubate that rock, because
someday it may actually turn into an
egg...not that there’s anything wrong
with that!
excuse from Mr. Piper.
Wan intends to use the alluring
magic pipe to draw students from
University Park to the Behrend cam
pus. "We figure that once they're here,
they probably wouldn't want to walk
back, so they'll just transfer."
When questioned about the lack of
activities at Behrend, Wan became
flustered. "So what if we don't have
stores within walking distance! We've
got that big hole in the ground - the
gorge! - oh, and lots of snow. Maybe
they'll make the world's largest snow
phallus.” After considering her state
ment briefly, she ended the meeting to
consult with Guinness World Records.
Wan released a press statement yes
terday that the magic pipe wouldn't be
used until the next fiscal year. "We
need to gear up for a legal battle of free
speech versus obscenity laws." The rest
of this year's budget will be used to get
a restraining order against Amy Keail
after her destruction of the 2003
Harvard snow phallus.