I The Behrend Beacon
Truth Behind
REDC revealed
By Annie Sevin
editor in chief
Last night at the Smith Chapel dining the Senior
Expcrienee Kickoff, a surprise guest announced
some changes for Behrend. Dr. Bill Wonka, a
wealthy engineer, contractor and philanthropist,
addressed the attendees as ‘‘friends’' and promptly
began unveiling Behrend's biggest secret - the
REDC.
For the past year, students and faculty alike have
been under the impression that the REDC was
being built to house new engineering classrooms
and conference centers. However. Wonka has
donated the money the school is using to pay for
the multi-billion dollar building. His only condi
tion was that the REDC be built as a replica of one
of his designs, his “home." as he called it.
At this point in the unveiling, spectators became
confused and stood up one by one and shouted
questions at Wonka. Dr. Georgina. Lecturer of
Marketing Emeritus, asked. “Are you telling us
that a Penn State building is going to be a replica of
your own house'.’
Thai was the only question Wonka answered all
night by replying. “My dear lady. I do not live in a
house. 1 live in paradise and that paradise has been
brought to Behrend's Lot 403.”
Wonka ignored the other questions by saying
they needed to be submitted in writing. He showed
the audience the blueprints for the exterior of the
building. Everyone agreed that the design looked good, but that the
REDC looked nothing like the blueprints. Wonka, however, pre
empted this obvious question saying. "Obviously the building looks
nothing like these images because my workers have only just
arrived to help with the finishing touches."
Then. Wonka blew a tiny whistle and 1000 or so stout, extremely
sunburned, green-haired men marched into the chapel. Wonka
proudly announced that his workers. Loompa Nationalists, would be
staying at Behrend for the duration of the semester to oversee the
final stages of construction.
Wonka encouraged all attendees to extend a warm welcome to the
Loompa Nationalists during their stay to make them feel more at
home, who incidentally just signed a peace treaty alter fighting a
long war. Loompaland. the original name of the Loompa
Facebook.com
Profile of the Week
James Bond
One of Penn State’s most successful
Alumni is the elass of "62’s James
Bond. Born in London, he returned to
England after earning his Criminal
Justice degree. During his time at vari
ous Penn State campuses. James was
known for wearing tuxedos to elass.
testing Engineering students’ jet packs
and classily drinking martinis at every
party he attended. 007 made a grand
entrance at the last reunion by para
chuting from a helicopter, landing
shortly after the burning corpse of a
cyborg.
http://psu.faeebook.eom/profile.php7id
=9332141
http://psu.faeebook.com/profile.php7id
=9334241
Editor's note: Facebook.com Profile of the Week is a
showcase of creative profiles from the website
Facebook.com. This is not affiliated with the creators,
owners or opperators of the site.
Random Ramblings
auditions
By Michelle Vera Suroviec
copy editor
One time, my whole body turned
purple. The doctor thought it was an
exotic spider bite since my mom
bought me a pillow from Japan. I was
under quarantine, but the chorus
teacher wouldn't cut me any slack for
the upcoming audition, so I had to go if
I wanted a part, even though I was
under doctor's orders. So I wore a
bunch of clothes to cover my diseased
looking body and they thought I looked
great, you know, coming to the audition
in character at all. I got the part and
spread the virus. Nobody noticed the
change in attendance because it was
hunting season. The town Indian would
sell people deer urine packs for good
luck. He usually goes door to door on
his bicycle selling honey, but I think he
got hit by a snowplow one year. The
snowplow gets our mailbox every year.
Either that, or my ex-boyfriend got his
hands on c 4 again.
QUOTE OF THE WEEK There’s only one letter difference between talking and stalking - KJ Margraff Jr.
Michelle Vera Suroviec/THE BEHREND BEACON
At the nearly completed REDC, large quantities of chocolate, corn syrup and artificial flavor sit in crates. Photographs reveal what appears to be a manatee.
Coming to America...err...Erie
By Chris Petrowski
contributing writer
I am a Philadelphian through and through. Cheese steaks
and soft pretzels are my breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It is lit
erally impossible for me to walk down the street without say
ing, “Ay, yo!” to someone.
At this point, some of you may be wondering, “Why is this
kid in Erie then?” or “Why am I reading the humor page?”
Probably more the latter then the former.
I cannot give you an answer to why you are reading this
page, because I wouldn't; however, I can give you an answer
as to why I am in Erie: I was drugged, tied up, thrown in the
trunk of a car and taken here against my will (read: I wanted
to get away from my parents).
I have only been here for a week and I'm already beating
myself up over my decision (literally).
How, in my right mind, did I decide that hicks, buckteeth,
cow tipping, 20 mile car rides to the nearest anything, peace
Sticking it to the tech support demons
By Sarah Weber
Main Campus correspondent
There is no worse feeling then when
your Internet is bogging down. Not
because you can’t cheek your junk
mail, play online chess or watch
“Hamster Dance” at a satisfying speed,
but because when that rodent hoedown
chugs to a halt you will be forced to call
your internet provider.
The first thing your internet provider
will do is send you through their auto
mated voice system to determine if you
are worth talking to. They start with a
very broad question like, “Are you sub
scribed to our Internet service? If so.
press one. If you are not and you would
like to be, press two. If you are not
sure, please stop plugging up the line,
you knuckle-dragging mouth breather.”
After going through about 43 other
questions that prove to the Internet
company that you are in serious need of
help (i.e. your Internet connection is
moving at the speed of an overweight
sloth trapped under something heavy),
they will give you the option to stay on
the line and talk to a technical support
specialist. The only words more feared
in the English language than ‘stay on
the line’ are ‘technical support special
ist.’
Remember those kids in high school
that wore headgear and got out of kick
ball to fix the school’s server? Well,
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Nationalists country, has recently split itself into two separate
nations: Loompaland and Loompa Republic, the Loompa
Nationalists hailing from the latter.
Wonka says the building will keep its intended functions for engi
neering students and it will look pretty much as it docs now with the
exception of four large smoke stacks set atop the roof. Also, he has
donated extra money to have a 3(X) square foot water fountain erect
ed in the main lobby. For reasons unknown. Wonka also insisted
that the fountain be named "Bucket. '
Toward the end of the meeting. Stanley Kael asked
will the new REDC look like?"
Wonka replied. "A masterpiece my dear friend, a masterpiece." to
which he added in a sing-song voice. "If you wish to view paradise,
simply look around and view it.”
those who didn't make it at Microsoft
tire now back with a vengeance as 'tech
support.' If the Internet company is
hell, these guys are the demons stab
bing everyone with their little red pitch
forks just because they can. Not
because they are bigger or smarter than
anyone else, but because they have the
power to shut off your Internet and,
therefore, have you by the balls.
But before you can even talk ‘tech
support’ you have to survive the ‘stay
on the line.’ When taking temporal
inflation into account, this is the math
ematical equivalent of 40 years in the
desert. During this time, they use psy
chological warfare to try and get you to
drop the call. To the tones of peppy
classical guitar music, every 30 sec
onds a friendly voice will come on the
line and say, “Thank you for calling
Acme Internet. Your call is important to
us. Please stay on the line.”
The colossal incongruity between
this recording and the epic battle
you’ve just gone through to talk to
someone will often cause massive hem
orrhaging inside the brain.
Interestingly, communications majors
are unaffected by this and merely
become annoyed by the wait.
If you are one of the lucky few who
survive the recording, do not give into
your bodily functions at this stage in
the game. It may be hours before a tech
support specialist frees himself up from
The people
u will v<-t ii
1 f
and quiet and hospitality could be better then what I had?
Seriously, sometimes the people up here are so nice that
my old Philly habit kicks in and I immediately suspect they
want to mug me.
And this place gives a whole new definition to “peace and
quiet.” You see. in Philly, “peace and quiet” is defined as “a
temporary break in various noises, which include, but are not
limited to: gunshots, loud car stereos at four in the morning,
fights on the comer over illegal drugs, police and ambulance
sirens, the crazy homeless guy walking down the street with
his louder-then-a-747 shopping cart, etc., etc.,etc.”
But up here the quiet is so..umm..quiet, that I can some
times actually hear my roommate’s thoughts of becoming a
ballet dancer against his father’s will. Weird.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I would rather walk
around Philadelphia and witness a mugging, a drug deal and
a murder all on the same block, than toss cow chips out in the
middle of nowhere. But then again, who wouldn't? ...Okay,
maybe it’s just me.
The audience arose in a standing ovation at Wonka’s remarks and
he promptly bowed and left the building. Afterward, some linger
ing audience members were protesting the “surprise plans.” An
anonymous English professor said, “Yo man, I can’t believe dis cat
thinks he can jus bust up in here and lay down trippin’ plans for a
factory-like monstrosity."
Science Department Representative. Dean, said menacingly. "1
intend to work closely with Wonka, together I think we can bring a
new flavor to the campus.” Dean was unavailable for further com
ment as he was laughing maniacally.
So. whal
Chancellor Jack Burke agreed with the protestors, but stated.
"With Dr. Wonka's plans already set in motion, not to mention his
army of Loompa Nationalists patrolling the school, there is little
anyone can do to slop the new phase of construction on the REDC.”
his Tetris game to take your call, but do
not set the phone down to go to the
bathroom and do not get yourself a
snack. Tech support has specialized
equipment to let them know when you
are least likely to be prepared to ask
your question.
For example, if after 20 minutes of
waiting you think it’s safe to get a bowl
of Raisin Bran, the tech support demon
will wait until you have a slurped a
mouthful and then pick up the line. The
conversation will then go something
like this:
“Thanks for calling Acme Internet.
Please state your account number.”
“(Gruggle, snort, cough, cough) I
(gag, cough, gasp) need (snort, cough,
cough) HELP.”
“I’m sorry Miss, you seem to be
breaking up.”
“(Gargle, cough, gasp) No!”
“Please try calling us again when you
have a better connection.” *click*
NOOOOOOO (cough, cough)
OOOOOO.”
So remember, kids, there is only one
winner when you call tech support, and
if you are going to get those hamsters
merrily bouncing across your desktop,
that winner better be you. So strap on
your Depends, insert that feeding tube
and make yourself comfortable.
They’ll be with you in “just a moment.”
Friday, September 16, 2005
Killer lasers
take place
of outdated
pointers
By Dale M. Harvey
contributing writer
Technology is developing at a star
tling pace, so fast that existing technol
ogy is merging into the crazy, super
cool robot servant era of technology.
It’s true, because I read it somewhere.
Or maybe it was a game. It doesn’t mat
ter, anyway. For example, I saw infor
mation about a new government spon
sored technology creation program
where people fuse human technology
with the technology of an alien race
called the Asgard.
One of these über futuristic pieces of
technology is known as the liquid laser.
One of these babies is about the size of
a standard laser pointer. Unfortunately,
a criminal mastermind by the name of
Tommy Versetti stole the plans, evaded
a star destroyer on a Rebel blockade
runner and sold them on the black mar
ket, along with the plans for Metal Gear
Rex.
Now, the implication of an army of
bipedal, muti-terrain, nuclear capable
tanks wreaking havoc on the world
aside, the biggest problem in the world
at this moment is the crisis befalling us
in the form of killer laser pointers. Just
yesterday, I heard about a teacher acci
dentally picking up one of these lethal
killing machines and pointing it at a
wall. The giant beam went through five
walls, two dryers, six students, a
teacher and the principal.
Fortunately, there has recently been a
rather simple countermeasure devel
oped to save the world from the doom
of killer lasers in the form of mirrors.
As a result, the freaky clothes look is
back in, specifically the mirrors all over
the body look. Therefore, all those peo
ple who keep pointing killer lasers at
random people have started dying due
to people wearing giant mirrors. Thus,
the world is saved!