The Behrend Beacon I 6
The Empire strikes back in an orgy of nerdiness
For eight weeks an uneasy peace existed between the
Behrend Star Trek Club and the Behrend Garners Club.
Thursday afternoon that peace was broken by heavy blaster fire
when Darth Tickles, Emperor of the Behrend Star Wars
Society, ordered his club officers to slaughter the Trekkies in
response to their Feburary 10 attacks upon the Garners Club.
Health and Wellness reported thirty-seven combatants dead and
as many as two hundreded wounded.
The assault began shortly after the 3 p.m. start time of the
weekly Trekkie meeting on the Reed Balcony and quickly esca
lated as the balcony, which has been occupied by the Trekkies
since late February, had been heavily fortified with starship
class phasers and shield generators.
"When they came over the hill , I said that it was just like in
the 'good Star Wars' and not like in the crappy new ones," said
Annie Sevin, COMM 16, a student who witnessed the onset of
the attack.
Sevin continued, indicating that "As soon as I said the new
Star Wars were crappy, this Amendola kid appeared and started
yelling at me about how they're not bad movies, they're just
different. And then one of the long legged things stepped on
him."
Aaron Amendola, BSKTWVNG 74, another student present
during the initial assault, was one of many who were merciless
ly trampled by the AT-AT's (All Terrain Assault Transports)
which were purchased for the Star Wars Club by SAF at a cost
of $9.7 million dollars each. Darth Tickles was reportedly
required to sign a waiver indicating that the AT-ATs would be
Nintendo still on the cutting edge
By Aaron Amendola
contributing writer
Garners this week will be out in droves
picking up Sony's beloved new handheld,
the PSP, but the true garners will be rum
maging through the bargain bin. Why put
down $250 for a souped-up gameboy when
the thrift store has plenty of titles that will
satisfy the most hardcore garners? It was
recently discovered that a local Walgreen's
charges no less than $12.95 on a real win
ner: "Mario Bros" and "Duck Hunt."
The true value that can only be expected
from Walgreen's is evident in the quality of
this game. Not only is it two games in one,
but the way Nintendo is making their
games now is nothing short of revolution
ary. Nintendo seems to be trying to win
over the older gamers by "taking them back
to their roots" so to say. The 8-bit flavor
they've ingested into this title is second to
none.
The rust game, which follows a plucky
young plumber by the name of Mario on
his search for the princess, features classic
blocky graphics and a color-scheme that
would make 16-color box of crayolas cry.
"Super Mario Bros." has 36 breathtaking
colors.
The controller (which can be purchased
By Cubby Scoops
world class journalist
separately through a pawn shop) was limit
ing due to its two-button structure, howev
er it simplified the play mechanics down to
a science. Using a simple-yet-effective "run
n' jump" method, the first levels can be
conquered in a matter of hours. This game
could go on for five, maybe six worlds and
before a final boss battle indicating the end
of the game.
Nintendo never fails to support the co-op
play also. In a stroke of genius, they
include a second player function where the
player and a friend take turns with Mario
(and a slimmer, more earth-toned clothed
brother Luigi) on a quest to find the
princess.
Luckily, Nintendo still had much in store
for this game cartirdge. It not only housed
Super Mario Bros., also contained the game
"Duck Hunt." Though it resembles a rip-off
of the famous "Cabello Deer Hunter"
series, something about this title seems
timeless, albeit tacked on. Oddly enough,
the light-gun (required to play the game) at
the same pawn shop that the controller for
Mario can be found. It's the best $1.99 a
gamer can spend.
Sadly, "Duck Hunt" evolves to become
nothing but a poor imitation of Cabello's
best efforts. While there is a secondary play
mode where designed for shooting clay
.1
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used only for "non-lethal reenactment of fictitious motion pic
ture events" and specifically not to "attack the Star Trek Club."
SAF did not return phone calls inquiring on the topic.
The Trekkies defenses were penetrated less than ninety min
utes into the attack when an imperial strike force destroyed the
Balcony shield generator, which had been erected in one of the
tennis courts.
Following this strategic victory, Tickles was heard to have
exclaimed, "Those snot nosed punks should have learned from
Endor!" in reference to the climatic battle in which the Galactic
Empire was defeated following the elimination of one of its
own shield generators.
Having exhausted the tactical options of artillery, the Star
Wars Club members engaged the Star Trek Club members in a
ground battle with the intent of eliminating all the Trekkies to
ensure complete retribution for the attacks of February. Once
battle lines had been secured, Darth Tickles dismounted the
lead AT-AT and advanced upon the Reed building with the
intent of engaging the leader of the Trekkies, Thaddeus Thund
o-Zoid. Ground troops on either side of the conflict parted to
accommodate the inevitable blows between the great club
leaders. So anticipated was the conflict that it was in fact bet
ter attended than the "New Found Glory" concert which was
held on campus the previous Thursday.
"They both looked really serious, I mean, I think they were
really going to go at it," remarked Roberto Franko, BSKTWV
ING 14, of Tickles and Thund-o-zoid, "Until the Garners
showed up."
All three surviving members of the Behrend
Garners Club, which has experienced recrr - '
ment difficultly following their near extermi
tion, joined in the fray alongside their Star NV;
brethren in arms to realize the "Fellowship
the Willing" they have so desperately worker
realize.
"I mean sure, the Star Wars Guy and the S
Trek Guy (Tickles and Thund-o-zoid) knocl
each other a couple times, but it was like soi
thing snapped in both of them when the D,
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dorks burst onto the scene with their cardbo.
swords and twenty sided dice" contint
Franko.
For reasons yet unknown, Thund-o-zoid
Tickles ceased their altercation and turned u]
the remaining gamers, slaughtering them ii
JUNIOR
niffMnfMMflllNetr
pigeons, but they do not satisfy one's
appetite for death quite like ducky-killing
does.
Regardless of its poor play modes, a
game with production values like this has
some redeeming qualities. Mario is a good
video game character but I doubt there's
any room for him to stretch his legs outside
of "Super Mario Bros." "Duck Hunt" looks
like it is in even worse shape. The only
identifiable figure in the game comes in the
form of a malicious dog that mocks your
every shot. There is no good strategy for
how to slay that beast yet, regardless of
how many times one tries to shoot him, he
never dies. If Nintendo really wants to
become a more permanent player in the
field of video games, maybe they could
take a hint from a little company called
Sega; they know a thing or two about sus
taining a video game console.
Though it has many faults surrounding it,
when it comes down to it, "Super Mario
Bros./Duck Hunt" is a must-own at the low
price of only $12.95. Now I know you're
probably all thinking "What if I have the
same trouble you had trying to buy the con
trollers for it?" I'm telling you, I can give
you the address of my pawn shop. They had
LOADS of those things. What other info do
you need? Get to your Walgreen's now!
merciless shower of blood and entrails
When reached for comment, Professor Emeritus of Nerd
Studies Lucas Roddenberry indicated that "science fiction
nerds inevitably turn on fantasy nerds; it gives them a feeling
of superiority, no matter how miniscule, a feeling they never
quite capture in what you and I might call 'real life.'
As the last gamer feel limp to the Reed parking lot it looked
as if the day had clearly prevailed in favor of the science fic
tion nerds, that was until the Behrend Borg Collective arrived
on scene. Thund-o-zoid, assumedly under the impression that
these fellow Star Trek fans had shown up to turn the tide in
favor of their mutually preferred fantasy universe, reinitiated
his attack upon Darth Tickles. Thund-o-zoid's assumption was
fiercely reversed when the Behrend Borg Collective rained dis
ruptor fire upon both encampments and proceeded to assimilate
Thund-o-zoid and Tickles. When informed of these events
Professor Emeritus Lucas Rodenberry remarked "Clearly the
only way to win the game of inter-fantasy universe dominance
is not to play."
As of Friday morning, the Behrend Borg Collective has
seized all the technological as well as biological assets of both
the Behrend Star Trek Club and the Behrend Star Wars Club.
The assimilated Thund-o-zoid and Darth Tickles have been
awarded recruitment officer positions in the Behrend Borg
Collective. When pressed for comment Darth Tickles respond
ed only in an eerie monotone voice with invitations to the
upcoming Club rush and indications that "resistance" to their
fundrasiers and intramutral activities would be "futile."
Friday, April 8, 2005