Friday, March 25, 2005
Campus group
celebrates 'Reverse
Easter' egg sacrifice
By Cubby Scoops
(not a) world class journalist
"We're really putting some bees in the J-man's bonnet
this year!" remarked Clyde Thimplethorp, president of
the Penn State Behrend Inter-Varsity Molech Fellowship
on the organizations celebration of "Reverse Easter" this
past Sunday. Thimplethorp added "He (Jesus) can scurry
straight back into history; we'll gladly take another 6000
more years of Molech's reign!"
Molech is an ancient Babylonian owl god to which
many sects, including the secret Fee Masonry Society,
pledge offerings every year in the interest of bringing
more profit and evil in the New Year.
It is the fervent belief of the IVMF that Molech, not
Jesus, is in fact 'the savior' and that Molech is the true
ruler of all mankind.
The IVMF celebrates "Reverse Easter" every year on
the Sunday before the Christian Easter holiday by hold
ing rituals intended to symbolize their desire for Jesus to
"go back to the future" and allow Molech to move into
the religious limelight.
In an attempt to gain additional interest, the Behrend
IVMF has ditched the traditional owl idols in favor of
more timely symbols.
"The form Molech takes is not important; what is
important is that Molech takes your heart; literally!"
quipped Thimplethorp on the Behrend IVMF's adoption
of the nontraditional symbology.
The "Reverse Easter" celebration began around 10 a.m.
with a procession of IVMF members which originating
from a gathering in McGarvey commons, wound through
the Reed Parking lot and into the maw of the Wintergreen
Gorge.
Each IVMF member brandished a large plastic Easter
egg that stood in for the traditional 'baby in effigy' that
is a customary element of all Molech events.
At the far end of the Wintergreen Bridge, a ceremonial
platform was erected which, while incorporating com
mercialistic Easter symbols, retained the basic 'inferno
chamber' which is reportedly crucial to all Molech alters.
Once all the IVMF members had gathered at the foot of
the alter a four hour 'Rabbit Tango' ensued, wherein all
participants circled about in a bunny hop step mimicking
the rights of spring.
The celebrations concluded at the climax of the 'Rabbit
Tango' when each. IV, ME member lobbed their Easter
Eggs into the "inferno chamber" to,symboliz,e J.he incin
eration of goodwill and thoughtfulnes tow' aid others.
"Hey guys, what smells like rotten eggs?" quipped an
IVMF member shortly after the incineration ritual. The
event ended when each fellowship member jumped into
the Wintergreen creek for a refreshing, post fire dip.
"As long as Molech is `da man, we'll be runnin with
his plan!" concluded Thimplethorp.
SGA Decision 2005: You choose, you lose
SGA candidate threatens to take over Beacon
Wednesday's SGA meeting was canceled to hold a debate to decide who would "lead" next year's SGA
to cancel a meeting to hold a "debate." One candidate, when asked what he would do if not elected, said
that he was considering applying for the position of editor in chief of the Behrend Beacon. The Beacon
is prepared to mutiny should this occur. His threats were not taken lightly and were reported to Police
and Saftey on principle. The Beacon plans to appeal the decision all the way to the SGA "Supreme
Court." This will be the "court's" first "case" since the controversial 2003 decision in The People vs.
SGA regarding who ate the last piece of pizza at SGA's Pizza Comittee meeting. The result of this case
was that only pepperoni and plain pizza are served at event so that no one would care if they missed out
on pizza. Beacon "lawyer" Dan Snedden fears that should the Beacon lose the case, the same would
happen to the Beacon allowing for only two varieties of news: sports and administrative PR.
Stick removed from SGA candidate's rectum
Earlier today one of the SGA presidential candidates was rushed to Health and Wellness for an an emer
gency stickechtomy. Doctors found a mile long stick rammed so far up said candidate's rectum that it
was applying pressure to the personality lobe of the brain. According to one doctor, the stick "was not
just causing extreme tension and a constant, constipated look, but also preventing the candidate from
displaying any personality." Experts decided that the stick came from a Great-Rotund Redwood Tree,
and the candidate will be in the hospital for several weeks awaiting splinter removal.
Candidate critized for conflict with running mate
A topic of major controversy at the SGA debates was over the deep-rooted conflicts between a candi
date and the candidate's running mate. One of the more heated debates occured when another candidate
said "I heard from my buddy's roomate, who heard from his i cousin, who heard from a professor, who
heard from his son in Uzbekistan, that you [the aforementioned candidate] and your running mate dis
agreed on every issue." This incited a heated debate between said candidate and running mate over
whether or not the tatoo on the running-mate's back said "Dude" or "Sweet." This decayed into an argu
ment over who would get the last cookie, but order was quickly restored when Police and Safety inter
vened. it was later reported that the candidate came to blows with the running mate over the location of
the candidate's car. The conflict was solved when it was discovered when the candidate had no car.
Controversy arises over 'educational expedition'
Among the subjects discussed at the debates was the notion of increasing Behrend's involvement with
the local colleges. One candidate claimed to have made several trips to the various surrounding col
leges, on "fact-finding missions." In an attempt to bring down their colleagues, one of the other tickets
hired a private investagator to "keep tabs" on said candidate. The investigator disguised himself as the
candidate's running mate and taged along on the outing. Instead of traveling to Mercyhurst to ask about
a pool, the candidate in fact went to several adult entertainment retailers in the one thousand block of
State Street. The candidate responeded ts, this by saying his purpose for traveling there was to establish
an agreement by which students could get 10 percent discounts for showing their student M.
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ENDBEACON
IVMF worshipers disposit their sacrificial eggs in the traditional inferno chamber as their leader, Clyde Thimplethorp looks on. The
Molech alter reflects the IVMF's adoption of contemporary commercialized symbols of "forward" Easter.
Deep thoughts:
By Vera Michiru
contributing writer
We didn't have real chocolate when I •
was growing up. We didn't have peanut •
butter either. The worst part was that we •
didn't have Fruit by the Foot. We had Fruit •
Leather, which was leather that was fla- •
vored fruit. Real leather, like dried •
cowhide leather. I mean take a coat and put •
apple butter on it; that's what we had. No •
sugar either. The only thing I could really •
enjoy was butter. I'd eat sticks of butter •
like they were candy bars. My friends •
would steal sugar packets from restaurants •
and slip it to me during lunch. •
VP candidates find debate educational, confusing
SGA vice-presidential candidates learned at Wednesday's debate that the 'S' in SGA does in fact,
stand for 'student.' One, overly-energetic, boarder-line spastic candidate thought it meant
"super." Another, laid back, frequently quieted, vice-presidential candidate thought, somewhat
accurately, the 'S' stood for "superflous." The remaining candidate was not revealed to be a can
didate until five minutes before the debate ended and no one had ever seen the individual prior
to the debate. The vice-presidential candidates praised the Beacon for its educational efforts in
informing them of their hefty stipends. Two of the candidates saw the very future of Behrend in
the balance, acknowledgeing that each year Behrend loses hunderdes of students to the
University Park campus (or Penn State as anyone outside of a backwater, thrid-rate, satallite cam
pus calls it), the third candidate was distracted by a shiny object and the promise of cookies after
the debate.
Third table for candidates cost $15,000 from SAF
Due to the addition of a third ticket in the SGA Presidential race, a third table was needed for
them to sit at during the debates. SGA realized this was problematic when they discovered they
had only two tables, as the rest were destroyed to build McGarvey's new dance floor. Student
Irving Washington, chair of the Ad Hock Committee submitted an SAF proposal for a $25 table
from K-Mart. However, that proposal was swiftly shot down as it was a far too reasonable use of
student money and $25 was deemed too little money to be "reallocated" to the "New
Car/Backyard Swimming Pool Fund." The proposal was then resubmitted by a staff member who
ordered a new table from www.overpricedtables.com/specialized/10kandup/ripoff.html a site
that popped up while said staff member was browsing for more ways to waste students' money.
The table orginally cost $15,000, but the school's tax-exemption brought it down to $5.25. The
rest of the money went to shipping and handling, insurance for the table, healthcare for students
using the table, a customer loyalty package on future tables and other "administrative costs."
Again biting the hand that feeds them, SGA and the administration blamed the additional costs
on University Park. When contacted, representatives from University Park said "what happened
to the $5,000 we allocated for Behrend's administration to purchase tables at the beginning of the
semseter?"
Radio station subject of controversy, apathy
A much mentioned subject of the debates was the idea of bringing a new radio station to Behrend.
One candidate suggested getting rid of Behrend's AM station and starting a new FM station,
being the 27th FM station competing for air-space in Erie, believing that it would be an effective
way to spread SGA anti-Penn State propaganda. Another candidate suggested installing XM
radio throughout campus thus spending more money on irrelevant projects. The candidates, how
ever, came to a resolution most suited to Behrend: Behrend Student Radio, or BS Radio.
Food
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Extra Vote!
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Clip this coupon and return it to the RUB desk •
to recieve one extra vote in the upcoming •
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SGA election.
Make your opinion count... twice!
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The Behrend Beacon I
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