I The Behrend Beacon
Greeks must go
By Dan Snedden
assistant news editor
Despite the strong Greek presence at
Behrend. many students feel that the
Greek system has endured for too long.
"It's just not right. I see them all over
campus, keeping to themselves, wearing
outlandish outfits, and clinging to dead
traditions." said Irving Washington.
CWRIT 04. "They're simply trying to
postpone the inevitable to hide from the
truth."
A large portion of Behrend\s faculty
agrees that the Greek System is anti
quated. "Every facet of the Greek Sys
tem is far behind the times." said War
ren Piece professor of Greek. Roman,
Ottoman and Azerbaijani studies. "They
just can't get it together. The infighting,
disputes and wars over irrelevant things
such as the recently overly publicized
situation with Helen proves that the
Greeks have no place at Behrend. Fourth
Macedonia is over, and the Greeks need
to catch up with the times."
Piece also explained that the Greeks
should not despise, but embrace the Ro
man System. "After all. the Roman Sys
tem is in many w ays a copy of the Greek
System, the only difference is that the
Romans are competent."
The Greeks use of the Phalanx, while
devastating, quickly tires the soldiers.
The Roman method of marching soldiers
to battle with javelins, scutum and
spatha. can easily defend against and
over take an opposing force, in phalanx
formation or otherwise, reinforcing the
fact that the Roman System is superior.
Furthermore, the Greeks are behind
the times in defining their own existence.
They were still adhering to polytheism
when the Romans were well on their way
to establishing the Roman Catholic
Crossword
ACROSS
1 FxplOSiV!!
report
S f/o sten
periodically
1 0 Spin the beans
I 4 Imitate Leo
15 Assign
16 Earring site
t 7 Against
18 Rampages
19 Archipelago
member
?Q Extol
22 Beginning
23 Inserted scene
fiorti the past
25 Actress (Taire
28 Kumday count
39 "Lost" network
3d Pussy's toot
33 Neophytes
35 Hungarian
Stow
37 Cognate
38 Noodles in
Roma
39 AAA offering
42 Viv.ri
44 Acknowledge
45 Singer
DiFranco
46 Director
Howard
47 Noah s zco
46 Green
condiment
31 Dissident
54 Humorous pad
of the body *
58 Light greenish
bine
59 Jewish sect
member
60 Rude person
61 Knirpng steed
6? upper crust
63 Pound u poet r y
64 Bal.rg pans
65 Run r the wash
66 Reps
counterparts
DOWN
1 Br c a-
2 Top-rated
3 Part of NASA
4 Charlie Brown s
■good ’ word
Want to write for the Beacon?
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Church, which for over a millennium did
more than just preach and teach; it ran
Europe
"Rome gives us a well documented
history; their record keeping system is
second to none," said Piece. “All the
Greeks have to offer is mythology, a
couple books written by some guy
named Homer. Now I’ve read Homer,
and I assure you Bart’s works are far su
perior. His etchings in calcium carbon
ate upon a porcelain-on-steel surface are
truly classic."
One of the largest difficulties the
Greek System faces is its lack of organi
zation and vision. The Greeks were still
fighting over a few rocks in the Aegean
while the Romans were conquering the
known world. The Greek System, in and
of itself is very good, but it is incompa
rable to the unquestionable efficiency, or
ganizational savvy, and the more aes
thetically appealing equipment of the
Romans.
The Roman System, notwithstanding
its apparent advantages, has its faults as
well.
"Eventually you’ 11 find that after about
500 years of the Roman System, you go
imperial.” said Piece. “After about an
other 500 years you end up losing the
Roman System entirely and you end up
with the Byzantine System, barbarians
and the rest of Europe trying to get it
together."
Thus the biggest disadvantage, and
only argument against the Roman Sys
tem can be made; eventually it will pro
duce France and no one wants to see that.
However, the Greeks have plagued
Behrend too long, therefore the students,
faculty and staff of Behrend but stand
together, in a box formation, wielding
javelins, scutum and spatha and march
upon the Greeks in turn bringing forth
the long overdue Pax Romana.
All right* received.
Solutions
5 Onslaught
6 Cover names
7 Deadly sin
8 Carryall
9 “The X Files"
extras
10 Flash on and off
11 Setback
12 Up for the job
13 Borscht
ingredient
21 Extortion
SGherrie
22 Possession
24 B ood
classification
sys.
25 Emcee's lead-in
26 Certainly not
27 B rdiike
30 Turk'Sti bigwig
31 IJp and about
32 Thump
34 Mich neighbor
36 Track circuit
40 Cape .MA
41 Booby trap
42 Building block
43 Turned, as a
48 Diner olfenngs
49 Feminist Orbach
50 Receded
51 Absorbed
5? Distant starlet?
STUDENT LIFE
53 Seanng injury
55 Seep
56 Par for the
course
57 Periods
59 New Testament
bk.
Humor.
Moses parts REDC; construction delayed at least 40 days and 40 nights
Pitt, Aniston call it quits after 'Newlyweds'
get more tabloid coverage
By Daniel J. Stasiewski
editor in chief
Hollywood über-couple Brad Pitt
and Jennifer Aniston announced Fri
day that their four and a half year
marriage has come to an end. The
split comes after Jessica Simpson and
Nick Lache have become America's
favorite celebrity couple.
“ Now I know how Nicole
(Kidman) felt,” said Aniston, whose
marriage to Pitt put an end to the Tom
Cruise/Nicole Kidman relationship
four years ago.
The couple knew the relationship
was over when both superstars re
leased films in 2004 with only minor
rumors of a miscarriage making front
page news. Worse, Simpson and
Lache have as of late been the main
focus of all the tabloid break-up
headlines. Without that incentive to
ARIES- This morning you may or may not decide to get out of bed, eventually you will probably get something to eat, but
you might choose not to. All signs indicate that you will wear some form of clothing for a period of time during the day.
TAURUS- This week you may collide with Explorers, Mustangs and Broncos. You will not experience and problems with
Rangers, however if you go on an Expedition you should Focus on hiring a well-trained Navigator who knows the Contour of
the land which will help you avoid Lightning
GEMINI- Gem-in-i
n. 1
A constellation in the Northern Hemisphere containing the stars Castor and Pollux. Also called Twins.
a. The third sign of the zodiac in astrology. Also called Twins.
b. pi. Gem-i-nis One who is bom under this sign.
CANCER- Today you will have a decision to make.
LEO- If your name is Eduardo and you are wearing a red T-shirt with a picture of the Swiss Family Robinson on it, you will
fall down a flight of 23 steps, lose your arm to a Doberman, be chased by a horde of cannibals from the South Pacific, during
the chase you will be hit by a Greyhound bus heading running five minutes late from New York to Chicago and you will be
thrown, face down, into a red dump truck filled with 27-day-old manure.
VIRGO- If you are reading this; chances are you attend Behrend.
LIBRA- Your quest for the Holy Grail will take a bad turn when you run into a three headed knight. However you will find an
opportunity to escape when the three heads begin to argue amongst themselves. Relations with your minstrels may become
tense as they mock you in song during your retreat from the knight.
SCORPIO- No information provided.
SAGITTARIUS- Alignment of planets in your house will cause much damage and drastically decrease property values. You
will meet an Eastern European organ grinder and his monkey will aid you on your journey towards personal and spiritual
enlightenment.
CAPRICORN- While unsafe in the microwave, genetically enhanced capricorn is delectable if slow roasted over hot coals.
Like a standard ear of popping com, it is best if served while warm and with butter and salt. The most noticeable difference
between an average ear of popping com and an ear of genetically enhanced capricorn is that and ear of capricorn can feed a
large village for a month.
AQUARIUS- You will finish school with mediocre grades and get a mediope job. After drifting through life through a few
years with a few small raises and no worthwhile life experiences you become disappointed with your empty existence and win
seek to define your life through a relationship with another person. A few years will pass, you will have a small family and run
yourself into a bottomless pit of debt. You will toil for a heartless employer until age and lack of up to date skills render you
obsolete. You wUI drift from unskilled part-time job to unskUled part-time job for a few more years until your body finally
fails and you die. Alone.
PISCES- You wUI be faced with a grave decision feat wUI effect fee welfare of hundreds of people. Don’t let ethics and
morals hold you back get your piece of fee pie regardless of who you mow down in the process!
PHOTO OF THE WEE
stay married, Pitt and Aniston de
cided it was time for one last public
ity push
“I have a ’Mr. and Mrs. Smith’
coming out this summer. Jen has ’Ru
mor Has It’ in April,” said Pitt. “We
thought it was the best time for both
our careers.”
The couple said they do regret not
making a film together with a leg
endary director to prove themselves
as more than just pretty faces. Mar
tin Scorsese is said to have turned
down the chance to direct the couple
in a remake of “His Girl Friday.”
Kidman, whose eleven-year mar
riage to Cruise came to an end when
they were no longer the “IT” couple,
had this advice for Aniston.
“The first thing you have to do is
find a gay porn star to claim he had
sex with you’re ex-husband. You’ll
be up for Oscar in no time!”
Aniston and Pitt’s marriage sur
vived tough competition in the past
with the Julia Roberts/Benjamin
Beacon Horoscopes
By Dan Snedden
assistant news editor and clairvoyant sage
Friday, January 14, 2005
Bratt “We Can't Have Kids” head
lines stealing their thunder for a few
months in 2002. Their most formi
dable opponent prior to Lache and
Simpson was the infamous Bennifer.
Fortunately for Pitt and Aniston,
"Gigli” happened putting a premature
end to a marriage that could have
been more successful than six of
Elizabeth Taylor’s eight marriages.
As for the new golden couple,
Lache had downplayed the thought of
a lengthy and loving relationship.
“We love each other, but haven’t
seen the ratings for season 2 yet,”
said Lache. Lache also explained that
the unexpected popularity of
Simpson’s younger sister Ashlee put
a stain on their public image.
"Everytime she gets caught doing
a Milli Vanilli, we lose our place on
the front of People. There are only
so many strippers I can have sex with
before Ashlee takes the cover for
good.”