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• •
The Behrend Beacon
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Penn State Erie,
the Behrend College;
First Floor, The J. Elmer Reed Union Building,
Station Road, Erie, PA 16563.
Contact The Beacon at:
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ISSN 1071-9288.
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The dos and don'ts of the potty
Let's talk about something that
seems to be a very taboo subject, bath
room etiquette. This is something I feel
most students should be able to speak
freely about. Yes, there are many
"bathroom humor" jokes out there and
once and a while someone might even
talk about their experience in the bath
room. Whether it is about a toilet clog
ging incident or even overhearing a
conversation, bathroom experiences
are a touch-and-go situation in life.
Lately, it seems I have beenhaving
more bathroom stories than I know
what to do with, yet I have been enter
taining my friends left and right. So
let me share my stories with you and
explain the dos and the don'ts of bath
room etiquette.
Erika Jarvis
First, let us talk toilet paper.
Granted, the toilet paper at Behrend
isn't the greatest, and sometimes it's
even lacking in certain areas- such was
my case one day.
I ran in to use the bathroom (I won't
say where) and carelessly forgot to
check if the toilet paper was stocked.
Much to my surprise it was not, and I
looked a little too late. Thankfully
enough for me there was someone else
in the bathroom as well.
I called out to her and explained my
situation: I was in desperate need of
T.P. And could she help me out?
At first, she didn't answer right
away. But when she did I got a very
hesitant: Uh... 1 guess?
WHAT? You GUESS you could
give me some toilet paper when you're
done? Is it going to hurt you to pull
out some more sheets of paper for me?
Okay, who really says stuff like this?
Really folks, if someone needs T.P.
you should hand them a nice big wad;
no one should be left on the pot toilet
paperless
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Editor In Chief
Lauren M. Packer
Managing Editor
Daniel J. Stasiewski
Assistant Managing Editor
Scott Soltis
Calendar Page Editor
Rob Frank
' Ft ,
Supplemental Editor
Lauren M. Packer
cr A ,
So finally when the girl handed me
my toilet paper I got a wad the size of
a 3x5-index card. This had my friends
laughing for weeks.
Bathroom etiquette lesson No. 1:
When called out to give a fellow bath
room user toilet paper, supply the per
son with lots of T.P. Be polite and cour
teous; you never know when you'll be
the one calling out for some toilet pa
per.
My second story had my friends in
a fit of laughter for a good half an hour.
I was in another undisclosed restroom
on this fine campus when I walked into
the bathroom to find someone else al-
ready in there.
I walked by the first stall because
the door was closed and I assumed
someone was in there and I was going
to go straight to the handicapped stall.
If you can, try and refrain from using
the stall right ntxt to someone when
another is open. I walked back to the
handicapped stall to find the door wide
open and was very Shocked ... some
one was in there!
Some girl was using the bathroom
with the door wide open and she
seemed to be ok with that. I was half
tempted to shut the door for her but
did not want to embarrass her, though
I was confused as to why she did not
shut/lock the door herself. Maybe she
was in a rush, maybe the door started
to open when she was mid-bathroom
experience, I don't know.
Bathroom etiquette lesson No. 2:
Make sure your door is securely locked
when going to the bathroom.
When I tell you my friends laughed
for half an hour I'm not kidding. This
is an easy tip to remember and it's com
mon decency. No one wants to see you
squatting over the toilet.
This is just as simple as the idea of
washing one's hand. Let's work on that
one, too. I'd make that a bathroom eti
quette tip, but I would hope most
people know this one by now.
All right, I hope that this has helped
you in your bathroom adventures. Just
remember to use common sense when
going to the bathroom and maybe if
you're lucky you will escape bathroom
embarrassment. If anything, I hope you
have at least got a chuckle out of my
bathroom stories.
Erika Jarvis's column appears
every three weeks.
EDITORI
Advertising Manager
Ryan Russell
ASE Editor
Daniel J. Stasiewski
Enka Jarvis
Advisor
i 7 t":
Friday, February 20, 2004
San Francisco mayor out of his league
By Adam Massaro
staff writer
• ,
Valentine's Day is over, yet love is
still in the air at San Francisco's city
hall. Thousands of gay couples have
been wed over the last week.
This influx in gay marriage (previ
ously zero in San Francisco) is in re
sponse to Mayor Gavin Newsome's
bold decision to legalize gay marriage
in San Francisco.
The problem here is Newsome has
about as much legal ability to make this
decision as Ray Charles does at driv
ing a motor vehicle. He has no legal
backing and is =rely hoping on a long
shot that the liberal California judicial
system will rule in his favor.
Currently, Newsome is in direct vio
lation of Proposition 22, which was
passed in 2000 by the people of Cali
fornia and states, "Only marriage be
tween a man and a woman is valid or
recognized in California." He is also in
violation of California's Penal Code
section 115, which forbids anyone from
making a false statement.
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Why the Yankees won't win the World Series
Let me start out with a simple fact,
taken from the 2003 World Fact Book
of the U.S. Central Intelligence
Agency. With a payroll of approxi
mately $2OO million dollars, the New
York Yankees, a baseball team, will be
paying out more in salaries to their
players than the total gross domestic
product of 16 countries around the
world.
Let me repeat that for those of you
who missed it the first time, and I'll
make it even simpler for you math en
thusiasts out there who like equations
so much. 2004 New York Yankees
team payroll = The G.D.P. of 16 coun
tries.
Yes, whole countries, each with well
over the maximum 40 people that the
Yankees can have on their roster.
Countries inhabited by presidents,
mayors, policemen, firemen and doc
tors. Countries containing roads that
lead to capital cities, with cars and
bikes on those roads, newspapers to
read, television stations and more.
These are fully functioning societ
ies. The Yankees play a children's
game. I just felt like giving everyone
another reason to hate the Yankees.
Hopefully it worked.
Now let me explain how trading for
Alex Rodriguez, which gives the Yan
kees almost a $lOO million dollar in
field, doesn't assure them of another
World Series title.
Reason one: The Red Sox no longer
have Grady Little as manager. If not
for his blunder of leaving Pedro in for
way too long in the ALCS, this col
umn might not even exist. We could
be talking about A-Rod's trade to Bos
ton. But Grady being what he was (a
horrible skipper), he pulled a hack job
out of his managerial pocket that fans
have compared to the third Matrix
movie. They don't want to admit it
happened, but it did, so they want to
forget about it as soon as possible.
Reason two: The Yankees have
Enrique Wilson starting at second base.
In 2001, the Yankees traded him to the
Pirates. Yeah, the Pirates. In the 46
games he played for the Bucs, he hit a
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i dfiggreeiP disagree? disagreeP disagree? disagree?
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write your opinion to The Beacon
e-mail The Beacon at behrcoll2@aol.com
Viand make sure you include your name, major, and semester standing
r_. 1 I_ 1 1 1 I
rommul
Ironically, for a man who is sworn
to uphold the law, he is doing a pretty
good job of breaking it. He is send
ing a message that if people cannot
achieve their desired goals through the
democratic process then it is accept
able by any other means no matter
how barbaric.
Sounds archaic, but then again how
do you think anarchies develop?
His outlandish actions are a step
back for the democratic process and
should be punished. He should be
forced to atone for his actions and suf-
fer the repercussions.
By not punishing him, the govern
ment is sending a message that it is
ok to break the law if you do not agree
with it and that in reality the law is
more like guidelines than an actual
code of conduct.
Newsome's decision has been very
popular with advocates of gay mar
riage, but if he thinks this cavalier ap
proach will forward the gay rights
movement he is dead wrong. In fact
his actions are merely a flash burn that
Ryan Russell
robust .186. In 2002, he was back
with the Yankees (permanently this
time, it would seem) and 'hit a,rock
solid .181 in 60 gimki. Illeyear, in
63 games, his average rose dramati
cally to a whopping .230. This is the
player starting the 2004 season at sec
ond for the Bronx Bombers, and the
Pirates didn't even want him. Well,
duh.
Reason three: The Yankees pitch
ing staff is less than stellar when com
pared to the Red Sox. Javier Vasquez
has been pitching brilliantly for the
last five or so years ... in Montreal,
where the average attendance to an
Expos game was often eclipsed by the
number of fans in the bathroom at a
Yankees game. Good luck dealing
with people who actually give a damn
about how you pitch, Javier. Jon
Lieber pitched well for one season in
Chicago, going 20-6... in 2001. Since
then, he's gone on the disabled list and
hasn't thrown a pitch in about a year
and half. Kevin Brown is 39 and will
probably be on the disabled list a lot.
Let's just say his body breaks down
about as often as the temperature in
Erie is less than 30 degrees in Janu
ary.
Reason four: The Red Sox, on the
other hand, have Pedro Martinez,
whose pitch counts will be carefully
monitored from now on I'm sure, and
Curt Schilling, a warrior who agreed
to a trade to the Red Sox after talking
to fans in an online chat r00m...0n
Thanksgiving Day. That's commit
ment. There is also Derrick Lowe.
The Behrend Beacon
won't have any long-term effects.
Once the excitement subsides,
Newsome will not be regarded as ma
jor force in the gay rights movement,
but an inconsequential blip on the ra
dar. In our democratic society, his re
calcitrant behavior is fruitless and
meritless.
When this whole fiasco is over, the
only people who will truly be hurt by
his antics are the "newlyweds," whose
marriages will be deemed invalid.
As this historic event unravels,
Newsome and his ill-conceived plan
will rank right next to Nathanial Ba
con and his infamous failed rebellion
in 1676.
Newsome's efforts have done noth
ing for gay rights, as he failed to go
about it in a proper manner. His dubi
ous distinction will group him among
the many iconoclasts who came before
him and failed.
In the end. just as it has in the past
the law will win.
Adam Massaro column appears
every three weeks
who went 17-7 last year, and is in the
last year of his contract. Pedro and
Nomar Garciaparra are also in the last
year of their contracts. Can you say
"incentive"?
Reason five: Thanks to Steinbrcnncr,
America has its new super-villain to
root against, too. Seriously, doesn't
trading for A-Rod seemingly just to
spite the Red Sox rank him right up
there with the greats of our time and
the past that we just love to hate? The
1980 Russian hockey team, whoever
faced Hulk Hogan at Wrestlemania,
Cobra Commander, Ivan Drago, Shred
do.r, Team R9cket, Michael Jackson,
Ctay Aiken-ad tiMzc Iteinbrenngr.
'tTstc~ws t ter ado of
those I just listed have in common?
They all lost whatever battles they were
in. And when they did, we loved it.
Last time I checked, the last three
World Series' have been won by the
Angels, Diamondbacks and Marlins.
Just reminding America, George, just
reminding America.
And finally, the reason six the A-Rod
trade doesn't guarantee the Yankees a
ring this year comes from one of my
favorite writers, Bill Simmons of
espn.com. I credit this reason to him
fully, because when I read this reason,
it not only summed up my thoughts on
the trade perfectly, but proves Adam
Carolla's comedic genius as well. Nei
ther of them will probably ever read
this, but if they do, thanks for the laugh,
guys.
Simmons' reason: "You can't buy
your way to a championship. Many
have tried. Few have succeeded. Last
time I checked, you still have to play
the whole season. In the words of
Carolla, 'You can't just go out and buy
a championship ring ... well, unless
Dwight Gooden runs out of coke. —
Bad, I know, but not as bad as the
Yankees ever winning another World
Series. Welcome back, baseball; it's
good to have you back again. Go Pi
rates.
Ryan Russell's column appears
every three weeks.
Page 5