Karl Benacci, Features Editor
The Behrend Beacon
What every new hire needs to know
by Matt Wixon
The Dallas Morning News
Congratulations on landing your dream
job. You will tackle new challenges, pur
sue higher goals and cash a check big
enough to make super-sizing your value
meal a no-brainer. Make sure to focus on
that your first day, when you get locked in
a stairwell looking for the restroom.
The second day will be better. But the
fast day is like transferring to a new school,
where the other children stare, nobody sits
with you at lunch and you get stuffed in a
trash can during recess. Thank goodness
that will not happen at work. The people
are more mature and the trash cans are way
too small.
More important, unprofessional behav
ior is prohibited by most companies. You
would know that had you read your em
ployee manual instead of using it as a
coaster on your coffee table.
But don't feel bad. Most people do not
read their employee manuals, which rarely
reach the literary heights of the instruction
booklet to George Foreman's Lean Mean
Grilling Machine. And while employee
manuals are valuable, they are not survival
guides.
So here is an office-life survival guide,
with tips never found in an employee
manual.
The easiest way to create an efficient
workspace is to locate it in a large corner
office with an inspirational view of the city
and a door that locks. Of course, if people
Crossword
ACROSS
1 Forfeiture
5 Candid
10 H.S. jr.'s trial
run
14 Away from the
wind
15 Indian currency
16 Vagrant
17 Turner or Louise
18 Go in
19 Colorful mount
20 Position under
scrutiny
22 Talkative
24 Kind
25 Reworks old
material
27 Building block
30 Dogs
31 Long, straight
and limp
32 Wound into
rings
33 Provide with
weapons
36 Mel of
Cooperstown
37 Appease
38 Affirmative vote
39 Three-way
junction
40 Except
41 Jacket slit
42 Begin anew
44 Fathers
45 Students saying
lessons by rote
47
___ Alamos
48 Writer Waugh
49 Red cedar
53 Manufactured
54 Backless sofa
57 CD alternative
58 French thought
59 "Maria
60 Pennsylvania
port
61 Gull relative
62 Impede
63 Orlop or poop
DOWN
1 Plaster backing
strip
2 Medley
3 Transmitted
4 Nautically
nauseous
refer to you not as "The Boss" but as "Em
ployee 4725A-2T1," this might not be pos
sible.
In that case, you probably work in a cu
bicle. And in that case, you need to remem
ber that cubicles offer as much privacy as a
thong bikini. That's because cubicle walls
absorb almost no sound, especially when
they are plastered with Post-it Notes, cal
endars and a picture of a kitten hanging from
a tree with the inspirational phrase, "Hang
in there!"
The result: Sound travels through cu
bicles even faster than a stolen stapler. So
avoid having confidential discussions or
making personal phone calls in your cu
bicle. And if you listen to music, keep the
volume low as a courtesy to fellow employ
ees who want to work in silence or are try
ing to eavesdrop on conversations in sur
rounding cubicles.
Getting along with fellow employees can
be easy if you are friendly, courteous and
show respect for your co-workers. Every
employee must play a part in creating a
cubicle community full of good neighbors
who help one another and support the vast
differences in employee work styles.
Be sure to remember that when your cu
bicle neighbor uses his speakerphone to
have conversations that include the phrases
"the naughty one with the tassels" or
"searching for a colon polyp."
Every employee is bound to annoy an
other at some point. The key is to accept,
and even embrace, the idiosyncrasies of
O 2003 Tribune Meths
All doers reserved•
Solutions
5 Mutation
6 Litter's smallest
7 Fitting
8 Born in Cannes
9 Woman's square
scarves
10 Sentence unit
11 Seer
12 Subside
13 Blair and
Bennett
21 Ruminant of the
Rockies
23 Blues composer
W.C.
25 Bitter critics
26 Join up
27 Ink stain
28 Grade
29 One who pleads
for another
30 Nab
32 Vied
34 Philosopher
43 Brennan or
Heckert
44 Male offspring
45 Send payment
46 Dodge
47 LEM word
49 "__ Eyre"
Descartes
35 Gymnasts' pads
37 Antiquated
41 Stopped by
m y nogros ,
F u N a tf # : „ 3
Friday, April 25, 2003
Ah yes, memos. They now come mainly
in e-mail form, but they remain the primary
communication medium of the modern
workplace. Unfortunately, the deluge of
memos _ Re: timecards are due, Re:
changes to company 401 k, Re: lost pair of
sunglasses in the bathroom _ can be over
whelming.
But even the most cynical office work
ers should appreciate the importance of
memos. Memos keep employees informed,
50 Peel
51 Tale on a grand
scale
52 Powerful stink
55 Land in the
Seine
56 Animal doc
your co-workers
keep employees on their toes, and when
printed out, can keep employees warm in
the chilly areas of the office. If you literally
bury yourself in paperwork, you'll stay
warm while showing your willingness to
take on heavy workloads.
It's also essential to bring a few memos
to meetings. They might have nothing to
do with the meeting, but the memos show
that you are serious about your work. They
also provide something to doodle on when
meetings drag, and that is inevitable.
Another tip for employees hoping to suc
ceed is to never use company-owned of
fice products for personal use.
Sure, it might seem harmless to take
home a pack of Post-it Notes or a couple of
highlighters. But why risk all the hard work
you've put in, as well as an honorable repu
tation, just so you can make 100 free cop
ies of a flier for your garage sale? It simply
cannot be justified _ unless you have con
firmation that the boss and the office man
ager are gone for the day, as well as a mini
mum of two trustworthy lookouts. After all,
you want to be known in the office as a dedi
cated worker, not a petty thief.
Likewise, you want to be known as an
employee with common sense, not an un
common scent. So go easy on the Chanel
No. 5 or Armani for men.
Colognes and perfumes often irritate
people with allergies. Almost as important,
a distinctive scent allows the boss to track
you in the office. "Flow many times has the
Drakkar Noir guy gone to the vending ma
chine today?" he might wonder. "How long
was Ms. Lady Stetson chatting at the copy
machine? Why is the scent of Jovan Musk
so strong every day at the office-supplies
cabinet?"
For the same reason, don't wear squeaky
shoes to work. You might as well wear a
cowbell around your neck.
You walk into the boss's office and feel
the first beads of sweat on your forehead.
You heart begins to race, your mouth gels
dry, and you feel like an 8-year-old facing
interrogation over a broken lamp.
You'll get a memo on it soon, Employee
4725A-2TI.
Reality shows take over the airwaves
How desperate are you to find someone to love? FOX is
ready to help with its new reality show "Mr. Personality" airing
Monday nights at 9 p.m. Several men will compete to win over
young, beautiful and single woman.
The men are disguised throughout the entire process, so they
have to rely solely on their personalities to captivate her. As the
series goes on the woman will narrow her choice down to one
Stations like FOX and ABC are the top runners in creating
the shows where love can be found.
ABC just started its third season of "The Bachelor," a show
in which 25 women compete for the love of one man. They had
such success with the first two seasons of "The Bachelor" that a
spinoff was created called "The Bachelorette," in which 25 men
competed for one woman's love.
In the end, a marriage proposal is possible, and so far, the
proposals have been there for three. Nevertheless, as these shows
have proven, some things are too good to be true. Almost as
quickly as the first bachelors' relationships started, they ended.
This brings up the question of whether it is possible to find
true love on a TV show.
Some people hold the belief that love can be found in odd
places. "After watching the first season of the 'The Bachelorette,'
I believe that true love can happen in the oddest situations,"
888-923-3238 • www.campusfundraiser.com
r
I Through the looking glass
OH, DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH, YOU MORON
I In a misguided attempt to promote civility in public debate, a council
w oman in Palo Alto, Calif., has proposed rules suggesting participant
refrain from smirking, rolling their eyes or employing "body language o
ether nonverbal methods of expression, disagreement or disgust."
Once the plan became public, the councilwoman was herself loudly
derided and received piles of what she termed "hate mail." Trauma
tized, she may vote against her own proposal.
EXCUSE ME, CAN YOU SCOOT OVER?
A drunken man staggered into an unlocked apartment in Orem, Utah,
in the dead of night, and got into bed between a sleeping man and his
wife. The husband woke up and, police said, "escorted the suspect out.'
AFTER ALL, WE DO HAVE STANDARDS
The chairman of the county commission in Mott, N.D., engaged in ad
adulterous liaison with a married woman.
Shocked citizens organized a recall election and voted him out of
office.
I I
L J
by Sarah Dailey
contributing writer
by Mike Pingree, KRT Campus
DITHERED TWITS
said Jen Henderson, a sophomore Elementary Education ma-
FOX thought up an even crazier idea for a show, where singles
would allow America to decide who they should marry, before
they have ever seen the person. Once an engagement ring was
placed on the finger of the contestant, then and only then for
the first time did they get to see the face of their future husband
or wife.
Maureen Archer, a sophomore Accounting major, said, 'Mar
ried by America' takes reality TV to a ridiculous level by ask
ing these people to get engaged without ever meeting or even
seeing the other person's face."
Now you might be wondering where they find the people
who are crazy enough to go on these shows. Well, it is as simple
as filling out an application online or mailing it in for "The
Bachelor" and "Bachelorette."
Even some Behrend students might be likely to apply for the
shows. Sophomore Scott Soltis said, "Yeah, I'd do it. People
are always finding love in weird places, so I don't see what's
so wrong about TV."
Archer had the opposite opinion. "Reality shows base their
success on the failures of others," she said. "Therefore, I would
never put myself in the position to be publicly humiliated so a
network could receive better ratings."
Therefore, as you can see the verdict on reality love shows is
still out.
Page