Page 10
The Behrend Beacon
Ross Lockwood
A Survey
for You
A terrifying thought occurred to me
yesterday: Some people might not
think that the humor page is abso
lutely hilarious.
I’m sure that they think that it is
still pretty hilarious, how could you
not? Our articles always make a lot
of sense, are well-written and appeal
to thousands. I’m sure that they are
just jealous because they can’t write
for the page and therefore decide to
hate on us.
Makes sense to me. why else would
anyone dislike the humor page? Be
cause you are a communist bastard?
Yeah, that’ probably it. Do you dis
like the humor page? Do you love it
so much that you cuddle with it un
der the blankets? Well, here is your
chance to have your voice heard!
And possibly win prizes (but only if
you say good things about us, not
bad.) We will print the results in a
future issue.
1. 1 would compare reading the hu-
mor page to
a.) Having sex with a supermodel
with no clothes on
b.) (jetting the winning card at mid-
night bingo
e.) Beinu castrated
d.) Defecating myself and watch
ing an hour of Carrot Top stand up
comedy
2. If 1 was to compare the humor
page to a Foreigner song it would
be:
a. ) Dirty White Boys
b. Juke Box I lero
c. Only Seventeen
d. I’m a loser, I don’t listen to For-
eigner
3. The writing in the Humor Page
a.) Pulit/er Prize winning material
b.) On level with drunk elemen
tary school kids
e.) Two dogs having sex on a key
boa id amid do better
d.) other
4. Which of the following is NOT
Ghost Buster:
a.) Egon
b ) Ray
e.) Winston
d.) Charles Barkley’s Dad
5. I find the humor page:
a.) funny
b ) stupid but funny
e.) stupid and not funny
d.) offensive and not funny and stu
pid
6. I think that the humor page
should:
a. be edited more
b. ) be edited less
e.) should not exist
d. I is just right
7. The hottest writer on the humor
page is
a. Ross Lockwood
b. ) Mike Butala
e.) Ben fitus
d. Ben Foote
e. Charlie Ciaglione
I.) You are all ugly and terrible
people and should be deported to
Canada
8. True of False: The humor page
sucks.
9. I take everything on the humor
a. with a grain of salt
b. ) completely serious
e.) as an insult
d.) other
10. The humor page is:
a. a hilarious social commentary
b. a cheap rip off of Bud Pot
c. a terrible rag suitable for ani-
mal boom boom
d.) other
' l-m l
Momh j*
teresting twist.
The buzz going around Hollywood was
that Sandra Bullock was looking to get
away on a tropical vacation. The next thing
you know, Fox was on the phone with her.
Twenty lucky guys were off to a nudist
beach where they were going to be spend
ing some quality time with Sandra Bullock.
I I know you readers would be excited about
| Reality TV is the greatest thing since that ... spending quality time with 19 na
. television implemented the color screen, ked guys. But anyways Fox got them and
'lf you don't believe me. just think about next thing they were off.
I all the people who watched the finale of When they arrived they all felt very ill
| “Joe Millionaire” and the reason was they didn’t read the
I I know I did. It was the first episode of small print. Bullock was at the next island
| the show I watched and lam now mad I over and as they looked forward they found
. hadn't been watching it all along. I mean Sandra Bernhard who you may remember
what a twist at the end. 1 think a better from “Rosanne”“Cheech& Chong’s Nice
I twist would have been if all the girls re- Dreams,” “Muppets Take Manhattan,” and
I vealed that they had STDs. Then it would “Wrongfully Accused,” standing there buck
| have been Joe who was being lied to the naked. Most people threw up and a couple
| whole time with a hilarious outcome. others took their chance in the shark in
■ This show was fruitier than Rip Taylor fested waters with pirates sailing in front
in San Francisco and it made me wonder of them.
• what Fox will do next? My Hollywood After several hours of throwing up they
I connection told me Fox will be letting a complained to Fox and Fox, being the great
| group of guys spend half a year at a tropi- station it is gave them a chance out. They
Veal paradise with a beautiful celebrity. But had to pass a test that was being adminis-
Clip A.rt Tournament Result
Beer (83) over Kirk Cameron (14) - Beer de- U P-
BEN TITUS
stroyed the humor page staf f this weekend and
went after Kirk Cameron afterwards.
Dennis Haskins (74) over "Mad Dod" Tannen
(68) - "Mad Dog" lost his temper and shot
Zack Morris, A.C. Slater and Miss Bliss.
Shortly after he received a detention from Mr.
Belding
Clucker (88) over Ralph Wiggim (47) - Huge
blow out I As Ralph strategically picked him
nose Mike "Clucker" McClusky tossed half a
gallon of Strauh over his head anil choked him
with Skoal Mint can.
Kenny Hoggins (66) over the Olsen Twins (53)
While debuting in this first lesbian porno,
Kenny Hoggins softly played "Nobody's Fool”
and while they were asleep, he defeated them.
Don Knots (72) over The Bcarenstein Bears
(67) - No one is sure how Donnie came up on
top.
Pacific Ocean (70) over Slash (74) - While
doing a 15 minute long guitar solo for "Sweet
Child O’ Mine" the Pacific Oceans drowned
Slash and Slash w ailed power chords to "Wel
come to the Jungle" and then he drank some
of the Pacific Ocean anti died.
Jon Renet Ramsey (93) over Parrot Playing
Guitar (42) Jon Benet mesmerized the par
rot, ami while the parrot was daydreaming, Jon
Benet killed it.
Brian Dennehey (94) over Angela Lansbury
(93) - Biggest upset of the tourney! They are
both old and both had sex; one of them had to
give. Brian Dennehey also was in jail a few
times.
Gilbert Gottfried (102) over Mrs. Doubtfire
(23) - Complete blow out. They had sex too.
Kevin Bacon (213) over Richard Dean Ander
son (149) - Bailie of the titans! As McGyver
was making a bomb out of a pair of sunglasses,
tanning oil and a stapler, Kevin Bacon shouted,
"Let's Daaaaaaannnecce!". Needless to say,
Anderson's hand slipped and he blew himself
Adam Kinder
Let's face it. America, being God today
isn’t an easy task. When the Supreme
Being isn't busy trying to keep George W.
Hush from prematurely starting Armaged
don, he’s trying to keep Satan and his en
vironmentalist task force from burning
more vehicles As if his daily tasks needed
anymore complexity. Satan throws yet
another curveball into play with the popu
larity contest straight from hell, “Ameri
can Idol.”
Thought up by the suits at Fox Interac
tive, whose stock is coincidentally con
trolled by the Prince of Darkness, “Ameri
can Idol” was reportedly a last ditch effort
by Lucifer to regain his fair share on the
media market.
“Warping the public's mind today is a
much bigger task than it was back in my
day," says The Great Deceiver. “I was los
ing ratings all across the boards. I guess
my arch demon was right when he told me
Joe Millionaire just wasn’t that great of an
idea."
Satan was quick to point out that while
lliiiii or Page Ctuote
"1 the Week
SI Ben Kundman: Sir, may I have your graces to possibly
I compose a top ten list, although it will pale in comparison to
" anything your genius graces upon the world?
rteall+y TV
since it is Fox I know there will be an in-
Alternate 1985 (82) over Rollie Fingers (77) -
As Rollie was pitching one of his fastballs to
Biff Tannen, Alternate 1985 showed up (where
Biff Tannen is corrupt and powerful) and Biff
hit it right up Rollie's nose and he died of a
bloody nose.
Urkel (54) over the Wayans Bros. (12) -A mo
ment of silence please.
F.ric Roberts (45) over an Eco Mug (25) -
is a real surprise!
Artman (89) over Paul Hogan (67) In a dra
matic change of events. Artman's friend. Brian
Giles, came to his aid when Paul Hogan at
tempted to slit Artman’s alligator-like throat.
Then Paul Hogan died of old age in a hed full
of sluts.
Apple Dumpling Gang (7.7) over Joel Goddard
(59) - Who cares'.'
Soda Popinski (102) over Barry Bostwiek (52)
- Soda won with a T.K.O. when Bostwiek was
drinking a Pepsi Tw'ist.
Chris Farley dressed as a girl (64) over T. AT.
(57) - I still love you Tiffany.
Tom Selleck (84) over Macauley Caulkin (2)
- Serves the little bastard right. I don’t think
anyone with a straight face can say they like
that kid.
Brandon Call (65) over Conan O'Brien (63)
Huge upsel. Give it up for the Lamberts!
Nick Nolte (58) over Apollo Creed (39) -
Anyone who bet against this obviously
doesn't know Nick Nolte and his bad-ass
reputation.
Cooler (45) over Capt’n America (32) - As
many males already know’. Cooler ALWAYS
wins, espeically when its either Cooler or
your friends.
Paul Reiser (69) over Steve Martin (0) -
Steve Martin sucks. I thinkthe Eco Mug
could have beaten him!
M.C. Hammer (45) over Mt. Vesuvius (44) -
I hate “Hammer."
GOD FEARS SATAN MAY WIN MEDIA
MARKET AMERICAN IDOL’
“American Idol" seems to be an underhanded
stab at The Creator’s anti-idol command
ment, his actually intentions are purely for
evil's sake.
"I mean, don’t get me wrong, God and I
always have been on tense terms. Ifyou think
this whole Iraq standoff is tense, you haven't
seen anything. My intentions for ‘American
Idol’ were purely to depress the common
teenage crowd, so that
they'll be more easily
controlled,” said a rather
smug Satan earlier today.
God, on the other
hand, secs the situation
in a more holy light.
"He’s always tried to
outdo me, even when we
roomed together in
heaven,” commented
God. “1 made a pretty
good splash with “Sev-
enth Heaven” and my - such as Simon
evangelist networks, and The Current semi-finalists Stop Cowell, he will es
naturaliy Satan felt h z for a quick picture before meet- sen,ial| y be
needed to get his foot . , . „ laughed out of the
back in the market, so he With The Prince of Lies. marke , , mcan>
launched all this ‘reality’TV crap.” American viewers aren’t that mindless,
When asked his opinions on Satan’s new- right?”
est weapon, "American Idol”, God attempted Satan was unavailable for further com
to play down the apparent American love at- ment at this time, however his press de
fair with the show. partment quickly stated that the Devil was
“You know how these people are nowa-
tered to them by John Madden. But once I
again it’s Fox and there was a CRAZY |
twist involved. During the test Andrew I
WK’s music was being played the whole i
time and there was a bar in the room. .
Needless to say no one passed the test.
Everyone just filled in the rows with As I
as they bopped their heads to the beat. |
Well, turns out everyone who took that |
test died of alcohol poisoning and Sandra |
died when a coconut hit her on the head, i
What a CRAZY reality TV show that will
be. I
Which reminds me, do magic kids play
pogs? Seriously it seems to me that these
games would go together. Both are made
of cardboard and have pictures on it. Plus
who doesn’t like a good old slammer?
Heck, they should even be advertised to
gether. A great time would be during “Joe
Millionaire!” You know every goth and
pogger east of the Mississippi would see
the commercial. Sir Claudio Darkicus
and Tim Allen could be the people sell
ing it. Ahh, 1 don’t know, sorry to every
one who wasted their time reading this
article.
s - Week One
Norm McDonald (101) over Bruce Coville (-
177,292)-Duh?
Styx (58) over “Mad Dawg" (79) - Styx
went Mr. Roboto on his ass and “Mad
Dawg ’” vanished faster than Styx’s career.
The Jolly Roger (85) over Antonio Fargas
(81)- Poor Huggybear ©
Patrick Duffy (107) over “Sweet” Lou
Whitaker (87) - Whitaker had potential to go
far but Duffy is an unstoppable force.
Elian Gonzalez’s Mom (75) over Moses (71)
- Go Go Gonzalez!
Rat King (106) over Steve Buscemi (105) -
This went into overtime and the Rat King
used his “Rat Eye" to dazzle and
confuseßuscemi
Lightning with Cap (2) over Chicken Little
(1) - Man. they both suck!
days, they love to stare at themselves in
the mirror and wish they were perfect.
[Satan] is playing off that perfectly with
‘American Idol'. He’s gathering up the
most saleable faces and trying to keep ev
eryone in dreamland while he does his
usual, lie, cheat, and steal.”
While God declined to comment on his
own future plans for the media market, he
did give his
thoughts regarding
Satan’s apparent
hold on the market.
in no way affiliated with Simon Cowell,
Best after Week #1
1.) Ryan Reinhardt
(20 points)
1.) Charles Gaglione
(20 points)
3.) Mitch Pittsenbarger
(19 points)
3.) Brad Rodgers (19 points)
3.) Shane Fishel (19 points)
6.) Chad Julkowski
(18 points)
6.) Jonathon Navoney
(18 points)
6.) Jon Foote (18 points)
“It’s no doubt
that I fear he may
win control of the
American media
market. However,
Good always pre
vails, and if he
keeps recruiting
complete idiots
Michael Butala,
Humor Page Editor
behrcolls @ aol.com
DANA
After a little alcohol, Dana
thought that it would be fun
to give Scooby Doo a little
thrill!
This is not an attempt to glorify alco
hol, it is merely a depiction of some of
the possible outcomes, all negative, in
the use and the abuse of alcohol. The
| humor page urges you to not partake in
■ excessive alcohol consumption and just
■ because it is on the humor page does
! not make it funny. Alcoholism is a ter
■ rible and if you know of a situ-
I ation that shows the poor outcomes of
I alcoholism, email them to
| Behrendßeacon@hotmail.com
-i
Top 10 Most
Embarrassing
Moments
10.) Finding out the “she”
you brought home from the
bar is actually a “he”.
9.) The exact second after
you have a self-induced or
gasm.
8.) Realizing you are physi
cally attracted to your sec-
ond cousins
7.) Getting dumped by your
girlfriend for a raver.
6.) Wearing sweat pants the
exact moment puberty hits.
5.) Remotely enjoying any
thing by Dave Matthews.
4.) Finding out you have a
magic marker weiner
drawn on the back of your
neck after attending three
classes.
3.) Anything that happens
after a fifth of whiskey.
2.) After waking upside
down in a snowy ditch with
your mullet in a tussle and
chew spit spilled about, re
alizing that having four
wheel drive does not ex
empt you from the laws of
physics.
1.) The moment when your
girlfriend finally vocalizes
the fact that she thinks you
have a small you-know
what.