Ross Lockwood & Mike
Butala, Humor Page Editors
The Behrend Beacon
BEN TITUS
Crikey! Why Does
my Eco Mug Smell?
We all know Eco Mugs are
at Brunos to prevent the waste of paper
cups but how? Some say by refilling
the eco mug each time you get
something to drink instead of using
paper cups would reduce the amount
of paper cups being wasted.
But an anonymous source
has tipped off the Humor Section that
Behrend has a secret motive behind
the mugs.
Now before I tell you the real
x>wer behind the eco mug, diink of
this: If they just wanted to reduce the
amount of paper cups being used why
wouldn’t they just tell the fraternities
and sororities to find something else
to do than sit at Brunos all day? If
you ask me it makes sense like R Kelly
hiding out in a Junior High girl's
ockerroom. So now the real reason:
Behrend wants to reduce the number
of student because of limited housing.
But how? Poison Plastic is how. And
1 am sure you have a question once
again (geez you must be business and
liberal arts majors with all these
questions), Titus where the heck is this
plastic Coming from? Well after many
hours in the plastics labs with Marty
“the party” and Mike Butala we
determined it came from Australia. So
I did what any good student would do,
beat up and rob an old lady then buy a
plane ticket to Australia.
When 1 arrived in Australia I
was awestruck, what a different land.
Before I tell you w
about the ,
you of some misconception we have
about Australia’. The first thing I
learned in Australia is, Fosters is not
Australian for beer like- the
commercial states, all you need to say
is beer. The second thing I learned is
that the croc hunter isn’t real. All
Steve is, is Australia’s version of Santa
Clause. What we see on television is
a hologram. But that isn’t the only
thing about Australia that is false.
Boomerangs, when you throw them,
they don’t come back. I dare you to
try! But the most memorable thing
about Australia from cartoons is riding
in a kangaroo’s pouch. PLEASE that
is not possible. A kangaroo’s pouch
is all slimy and I would best describe
it like bodily fluid. And here is another
little tid bit: Australians don’t even
call kangaroos - kangaroos, a male is
called a boomer and a female called a
flyer. Man 1 know I feel dumb now.
There is no way a person could fit in a
nice, soft, warm pouch of a flyer.
But now back to the story
that pertains to the lives of Behrend
students. I finally found myself in the
middle of the Australian outback
gazing at the plastics factory. When I
snuck up to die window and peeked
in I was shocked with what I found:
Aborigines, DRUNK- But we all
know that incompetent drunks
wouldn’t be able to make the plastic
poisonous, hell just look at our plastics
engineering department. What I saw
next made me queasier than Rip Taylor
watching straight pom. There he was,
Coach Hayden Fox, head coach of the
Minnesota State University’s
Screaming Eagles and the Aborigines
going BOOM BOOM into the aibutg
injection molding all-rounder. Now
any first semester plastic engineer
knows what that would do to an Eco
Mug. Mate the cups dirtier than a guy
who wakes up next to McMagpipes
after an EKA dance party. So next
time your filling up your Eco Mug
remember “The Clarks” will never be
good.
Great But True Sports Stories
Have you ever been watching a sporting event and thought to yourself “Ah naw he didn t!
I know for me personally that it usually is after I knock out Von Kaiser on Mike Tyson’s Punchout
and I’m surprised at how much he looks like Hitler. That’s why I like pounding on him, since
I didn’t get to fight in World War Two, I can take out my frustrations on a horribly outdated 8 bit
video game system. I feel I am doing something for my country. Want to hear some more
GREAT BUT TRUE SPORTS STORIES? Ok.
Vince Coleman- Vince Coleman was a speedy outfielder for the St. Louis Cardinals. He once
stole over 100 bases in the 1987 season. This in itself is a hilarious fact, (no wait, it’s not at all),
but the story gets better. What do little kids like? You guessed it, little kitties. But what do they
like second best? You guessed it, Kool-Aid. But what do they like third best? FIREWORKS!
And Vince Coleman was just doing kids a favor by giving them fireworks one day before a
game while playing for the Mets. Problem is, (if you consider it a problem) is he lit them and
threw them at the kids. I guess the kids got kind of hurt. By I think that this is a complete
ROSS LockwOOCl fabrication. Number one, he was a professional athlete. They don’t do anything wrong, except
Daryl Strawberry with hookers. Number two, he was just saving the parents a lot of grief. See Vince Coleman, knew what
a lot of parents need to realize: that kids aren’t that great and most of them are mistakes anyway.
Troy Aikman- In a fateful game on a snowy Thanksgiving Day in Dallas, Troy Aikman did the unthinkable: He got a
concussion. He was taken to the sidelines and was brought back to consciousness. He was given what the trainer thought was
a pain reliever. In actuality, it was what the layman would call “Libido Arousal”. He went back in to the game and didn’t
know his ass from grass. He had somehow pitched a tent in his pants. This is true, if you get the tape from that game it is
painfully obvious. He gave new meaning to the football term “Hard Count.”
Oh my land, what a GREAT BUT TRUE SPORT STORY.
Don Mattingly- They called him “Donny Baseball”. This is because he
played baseball and Donny is a nickname for Donald. But not many people
know of his seedy out of baseball life. One time a young kid named Cooper
Newby-Stock asked his hero to hit him two homers in the upcoming game
against the Detroit Tigers. Well, little did the youngster know that Eric
King was pitching that day against the Pinstripes and Mattingly could not
for the life of him hit his curve ball. Of course he struck out twice and the
Yankees lost the game against the Tigers. Mattingly completely forgot
about the kid and went out and got wasted after the game with his friend
Ricky Henderson. The child died crying with his Don Mattingly rookie
card cradled in his dead palms. One inquisitive reporter found out about
the promise that Don made and brought it up at a press conference. Mattinly
replied, “I don’t like kids.”
Behrend Hockey- What a success story this is. After getting thoroughly
trounced in a game against Slippery Rock 16-0, the Behrend hockey team
was very distraught. They practiced and practiced, but just could not win
a game. Then, magic occurred. A hot-shot lawyer was pulled over for
DUI. The judge decided that because the lawyer used to be a fantastic
midget league hockey player, ( he set the Minnesota state record with 222
goals in one season) it would be beneficial to do community service and
coach hockey. Well, he took over the team and recruited some new players.
The most notable of these were: Julie the Cat Gafney, Sam Goldberg,
Adam Banks (cake eater), and Charlie Spazway. He also taught them
how to effectively do the triple deke and how to pass eggs. Wouldn’t you
know it, the Behrend Lions beat the Hawks in the state playoffs. The next
year they did the unthinkable: They beat the god-like Icelanders in the
Junior Olympics. They also had and NHL team named after them, though
it was the Mighty Ducks and not the Lions.
Magic The Gathering Championship 1994- This could be the most
unbelievable story of them all! Sebastian Satanwell was playing Damien
Darklord in the World Championships of MAGIC: The Gathering. There
was a lot at stake, the winner got to live with Satan for a year and got a life
time supply of ecomugs. The first moVe of the finals was ghastly; Sebastian
pulled out his Goblin Pile Driver card. Oh, what a dastardly deed! The
game was considered over, you might as well have wrapped up Sebastian’s
heart in a box and sent it to his mother. This is the custom for losing in
such battles. However, Damien pulled out the only card that could possibly
save him. Engineered Plague! Needless to say, Damien was the one
having sex with Satan the next night
Michael Butala
So my question to you is, “What would you do for a Klondike bar?” If you are anything like a hybrid of Alan Thicke and Paul Rieser, you’d trade your
astonishing acting career for a nibble. But here’s the clincher, baby. Klondikes are non-addictive, I mean no one says after eating a Klondike, “Man, I need another one”.
They’re always talking about how much they sucked and how they will suck tomorrow and whether or not to play Frisbee wearing paaaaaants. Frisbee remind me a lot
of duct tape because even though there was never duct tape on my Frisbee as a young American, I think there should have been. I mean seriously, three important things
work for everything. So if you’re ever on a dessert island, wish for Goldbond, duct tape and cheap booze. I’m not sure what you need any of that stuff for on a dessert
island but I hope it a dessert island with a lot of hot fudge and not sand because we all know how tasty hot fudge is.
So I urge you in the slightest sense of the word, keep America beautiful because ugly nations are such a drag. 1 mean look at France’s pants; a huge hamburglar
can fit into those paaaaaants. Like I mean nice skinny countries like Florida can get Geena Davis as a date for the prom. So in conclusion, stay in shape so your country
is beautiful.
I’m sure you can see where this is going. So as this being my last article
before graduation, I wish you all a merry Christmas and happy New Year and get
totally drunk!
A modern-day warrior. Mean mean stride, Today’s Tom Sawyer. Mean
mean pride. Though his mind is not for rent. Don’t put him down as arrogant. His
reserve, a quiet defense. Riding out the day’s events. The river. What you say
about his company. Is what you say about society. Catch the mist, catch the myth.
Catch the mysteiy, catch the drift. The world is, the world is. Love and life are
deep. Maybe as his skies are wide. Today’s Tom Sawyer. He gets high on you.
And the space he invades. He gets by on you. No his mind is not for rent. To any
god or government. Always hopeful, yet discontent. He knows changes aren’t
permanent. But change is. What you say about his company. Is what you say
about society. Catch the witness, catch the wit. Catch the spirit, catch the spit.
The world is, the world is. Love and life are deep. Maybe as his eyes are wide.
Exit the warrior. Today’s Tom Sawyer. He gets high on you. And the energy you
trade. He gets right on to the friction of the day.
HUMOR|L
Friday, December 13, 2002
Butala’s Last Article
There are tons of thing I wouldn’t do for a Klondike bar and you wanna know why? Because Klondike bars are as worthless as your
mom’s skidmarks after a close NASCAR race. For example, I wouldn’t let anyone kick me in the “ketchup packets.” I also
wouldn’t make out with a girl who has a reasonable facsimile to a lump of coal in Billy the Kid’s stocking, which is also full of
whores. But I also wouldn’t make out with a fat Caucasian piece of crap. And what’s with this fight against terrorism? In my
opinion, we should fight against the people threatening us, because terrorism isn’t tangible and if you try to catch that squirrel rascal,
you’ll be up swamp creek with Tom Sawyer and the other band members of Rush playing pin the tail on the reaper with Satan’s best
friend wearing paaaaaants.
But seriously, there has to be an end to this shameless display of corporate America in everything we eat. For example, I was
driving home from the beer distributor and all of a sudden this dirty, white boy wearing paaaaaants ran across the yard and I nearly
hit him. So his mom was yelling at me and stuff so I punched her in the face because her son made me spill my beer. Four fines and
$13,500 later, I was drunk again, with a goose for a slipper and a turtle for my kneecap and acid trips seemed like old reruns of Mr.
Belvedere when he used to wear paaaaaants Of course now he’s dead and still wears paaaaaants but he never changes them now so
you can only imagine the amount of crap in them.
Top 10 Things To Get Your Girlfriem
For Christmas
10.) Stolen Car- Steal it, park it in her
drive way, then call the cops and say
she took it.
9.) Old Text Books That You Can’t
Sell Back- She can’t bitch about this
You could say “I spent 120 on that
book!!”
8.) Nothing- Being mean to girls
makes them want you more.
7.) Chew- Girls won’t ever admit it,
but they love chew. And I don’t know
about you, but there is nothing sexier
than seeing a girl with a plug of
Redman in.
6.) A Hovercraft- Just like the ones i
the back of Boy’s Life Magazine
5.) Ecomugs- This is if you want to
make her an “EX-GIRLFRIEND”
4.) Footloose DVD- This might also
cause you to lose your girlfriend
because Kevin Bacon is so awesome.
3.) Things That You Want- This is a
no-brainer. Then you say “It’s the
thought that counts and keep it for
yourself.
2.) Box of Condoms- These are to
have sex with.
1.) A Baby- Everyone loves babies
around the Christmas season. If you
want to do this, disregard number two
behrcol!s @ aol.com
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