Ross Lockwood & Mike
Butala, Humor Page Editor
The Behrend Beacon
Honey, I Shrunk
the Pants but
not really
Michael Butala
Yes, children, it is that time of year
again. The time when kids with
"nerd glasses" exchange their
Bermuda shorts for corduroy pants.
The time of year the emo kids trade
in their Sauconys for another pair o
snow resistant Sauconys. The time
of year when the goth kids invest in
the snow-resistant Magic: The
Gathedn card covers. And finally
thetime of year when people just can
seem to squeeze in the pants that
snuggly covered their bottoms
before. Yes children, we are talking
about wintertime.
I know it's cold and the majority
of you don't leave your rooms in the
winter because its too cold to do
whatever you do when no one's
looking but I seen a few of ya. I've
seen a few of ya shaking your money
makers at fraternity parties. I've seen
a few of ya in line at Brunos getting
Spazmos for your trays. I've seen a
few of ya in class trying to squeeze
into the godforsaken deathtraps the
university labels "desks". But I have
sad news to all of you. When you
dance at parties you look like a
beached manatee,. IClioy eat on
more Spazmo yttyrvon't be able to
fit iTißruncrafidirr easiec:tca suck
a golf ball through a garden hose than
pry you in a desk. Let's face it,
Behrend students take the term
"Winter Blubber" to the next level.
Now, if you want to be a disgusting
mess of a reasonable facsimile o
Jabba the Hut, that's your business.
But when you sit in front of the
television watching "Oprah" and
stuffing your face with Ben and
Jerry's you minimize your potential.
Everyone knows the "Baby
Boomers" and we all know how it
happened, sort of. I guess there was
some war and these horny soldiers
wanted American, 'or as I call it
"Apple Pie" love. So when they
came home they skipped the frottage
and went straight for making babies.
Now would these American soldiers,
fighting for your freedom mind you,
jump your bones as readily as they
did if they came home and you were
"pushing a deuce?" Sources say
"no." What a way to repay your
country. You should be ashamed o
yourself.
In conclusion, I have no problem
with people that put on a little weight.
I mean, as far as I'm concerned they
are able to do what they please and
as long as they are happy with
themselves I am at no level to judge.
But please, if you don't do it for
yourself, do it for your country.
Oh Mama, I'm in fear for my life
from the long arm of the law.
Hangman is comin' down from the
gallows and I don't have very long.
Wetiiii ! The jig is up, the news is
out. They finally found me. The
renegade who had it made retrieved
for a bounty. Never more to go
astray. This'll be the end today o
the wanted man.
Nice Muffs!
•••••••••••••••••••••••••.••••. • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • . • • • • • • • • 0 • .
What nest?
•
• With all the recent whining
• • about the humor section and
heavy editing of
my articles,
I have
*BEN TITUS
• warn you,
• you can't
:stop Ben Titus. The only thing
•that can stop Ben Titus is Ben
•
.Titus. And Ben Titus doesn't
•want to stop Ben Titus.
•
• So this week I decided I will
:help you readers. With these
•tough economic times most
•
s people will not be able to find a
:job in their majors but have no
•fear because I am here to help
•
,come up with ideas of potential
°jobs
•
• Now, don't worry, people.
:These jobs are open to anyone.
•Applicants can be male, female,
•
* heterosexual, homosexual,
overweight, bulimic, anorexic,
•
•shy, loud, or have a lisp. The
•
only thing that is excluded is a
•
•Wookie, of course, and that's
•
••••••••••••• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
Jennifer Lo
Webster's Dictionary defines annoying as "to cause slight
irritation to another by troublesome, often repeated acts." With
this being said, have you ever wanted to annoy someone really
bad? Lord knows I haven't. Why would you want to annoy
someone when you can
befriend them and
drink out of your
Ross Lockwood
is particularly
effective when someone has a long IM name like
HunnyßunnySweetyPie6s743. Also, when someone says
something funny, don't laugh but say LOL. Then tell them that
they made you laugh out loud. ROTFLMAO (rolling on the
floor laughing my ass off) is also one that gets old quicker than
a cheetah on angel dust. At first they might laugh at this
shenanigan , but after awhile it will not be funny to anyone (but
you, of course). Remember, if you overuse something to the
point where it is not funny at all to anyone, not even you, that's
when it is the funniest.
2. Ruin any Story- Want to ruin a story? Any story? It's
easy. All you have to do is as the person tells the story, keep
asking "Then what happened?" Eventually they will run out of
events and will have nothing left to say, no matter how good the
Friday November 15, 2002
because they are dumb animals
that will be hurt. I know you
nerds are thinking. WTF? But
please don't complain to the
Beacon like everyone else.
The first job I thought of was
a whale poacher. Think of how
cool it would be sail along the
frigid water with one killer
harpoon. I mean OMG whales
move so slowly it would be great
shooting some giant harpoon
into their flesh. Plus, you would
occasionally come across a baby
seal and trust me nothing makes
you feel like more of a male,
heterosexual,
decided to
take a new
approach to
this
section
But first I
have to
female,
homosexual, overweight,
bulimic, anorexic, shy, loud, or
have a lisp than clubbing a baby
seal. Hell, I bet you would even
pick up a cool nickname like
black heart.
The next occupation is my
favorite and it is wardrobe
coordinator for "American
Gladiators." Think of all the
free spandex you would have!
But that's not why this job is so
cool. Oh, no, my friends just
imagine how much gladiator sex
you would walk in on. It would
be so rough I couldn't even
imagine. All I know is springs
ecomugs? You have
got me. The following
are ways to annoy
people, though I
suggest that you
should pal up with
them instead and go to
Midnight Bingo
together.
I. Call people
by their IM names
and use IM
abbreviations- This
as 4
1‘14c41.2441k
j
•••••• 00000 •••••• 00000 ••••••• 0000000 .
pez's quotes
story might he. Then tell the person that the story they just
told you sucked.
3. Get Mono and pass it on to everyone else- This
isn't really annoying,because mono is somewhat sweet. It
gives you a reason to be lazy. If you don't have mono and
sleep all day and skip class, you would be classified as a lazy
ass. However, if you say "I have mono" everyone feels had
for you and considers it a legitimate excuse. So, by passing
on mono, you are allowing everyone to do what they want to
do anyways, which is be extremely lazy and urinate into bed
pans. The way to do this is simple: First, get mono. This can
he done a number of ways, but how to get it is out of the
scope of this article. Then, just propose a simple childhood
game of Spin the Bottle. Everyone loves Spin the Bottle,
especially when it is mostly other guys. After the game,
inform everyone that you had mono (the kissing disease!!)
and they now have it.
4. Tell someone's boyfriend/girlfriend that they
really don't like them- In order to do something like this
you would have to he as Paula Abdul says a "Cold Hearted
Snake." This is an easy yank to pull. Just go up to one of
your friend's significant other and say something along the
lines of "I don't know why he/she is dating you, I don't really
think he/she likes you all that much. He/she never talks about
you and every time I mention you he/she rolls his/her eyes."
Then tell that person not to say that you told them. No matter
what the guy/girl says, there is no way that he/she is not getting
dumped. Then you just sit back and laugh at the life that you
have ruined.
5. Continuous flatulence- I know that this is a juvenile
thing to bring up. But it's true. If someone farts once, you
let it slide. But more than once or twice and it gets annoying.
Especially when they won't admit it and say something like
"Those damn geese." I know this is a rather obvious thing to
point out in an article, but it annoys me when people fart a
lot, unless it is loud and during a class. Then it is funny.
would be poking out of the beds:
and there would be more holes in:
the walls than at crazy Shaun's.
apartment. Plus, Viper always:
needs a diaper. •
Unfortunately this next job. •
never made it to the want ads:
because it was snatched up as fast*
as a drunken chick at a SKA:
dance party but I thought you:
might want to hear of it anyways.•
McMagpipes was recently in:
search of a love toy but Brice* I
Weeter took that faster than him. I
naked, going down a slip and:l
slide. LOL • I
The next occupation I thought of
was BRB Oh, okay, I:I
regained my thought. The job. I
was Behrend hockey coach:l
Think of how easy it would be*,
NO PRESSURE. I mean heck;l
they will be stoked if they score:l
a goal. Plus no one knows they.'
exist so you don't have to worry:
about someone hearing of another*l
loss and firing you because they. I
never win. •
Well I am off now, TTYL. •
•
• I
:1
•
• •
• I
Big Flaming Wall Sockets
Megan Loncan• week. Good times, I must say. but I passed a
c last
group of people in the lobby talking about none
other than... wall sockets. Wall sockets?! I figured they were talking about some
electrical thing so I just didn't think that much of it at the time. When I passed
them to go back to my room three hours later, they were still there. I stopped to
get a Pepsi and they were still talking about, "big, flaming, wall sockets."
Flaming wall sockets? How could this be even remotely interesting'? Maybe they
need a better electrician. Maybe I just caught their three-hour long conversation
at a bad time, or just heard things out of context.
Speaking of hearing things out of context, I heard the dumbest thing the
other day. This kid was talking on his cell phone and said, "No. I can't fit into it.
I can't even get my mother to fit into it!" Are you puzzled? Me too! I can't. for
the life of me, figure out what the hell this kid could have possibly been talking
about! I also found that you shouldn't think about this phrase for more than three
minutes or your head will explode. Or at least, it will feel like it will explode.
Speaking again of wall sockets, did you know that you can talk to your
neighbor through the ones in the dorms? You can also hear conversations
through them; if your neighbor talks really loud, as mine does, then you can hear
every word they say. One night she was talking extremely loud about some guy
who was bragging about masturbating like six times a day. I'm not a guy hut... I
don't think that is something you brag about.
Catch my article next time for more phrases taken out of context or
something else...
behrcolls@aol.com
Magic:
The Gathering I
'fly of 'Tree WEEIC
irg your archnemesis
eak s out the Eider
Dragon with a dexterity
equal to your mom's
panty size, do not soil
your britches. just sum
mon your fire resistant
mutant / 4orem from ?-la
des. (This goiem will cast
his armaqeddon spell of
doom, which has a plus 2
attack 601114sfir_serpent
beasts. T'his will result in
a nullification in all spells
that coutd - surpass the
power of your forest_
druid,which we all know
have the power to sum
mon the forest pixies that
also can induce the
_
dragon to slumb er with
-their imigical, &wham-et:l
c
yixie dust. So until next
time put on 1/0141" black;
croak a netrade your soul
to Satan for magic cards.
Sir Mix A Lot Jumped My
BONES!!!
Hey, kids. Have you ever heard someone
say something out of context and just wanted to
turn around and ask the person, "WHAT THE
HECK WERE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" I'm
sure everybody has, but lately, it's been
happening a lot.
For instance, I was invited to a movie night
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