Page 9
The Behrend Beacon
Butala’s column will not
run this week due to its ’
Benacci’s column appears because
he is undoubtedly the most popular
humor page writer.
There’s nothing
better than B
horror movies
I know that some of you are into movies,
so here’s a list of the coolest B-horror movies
I’ve ever seen. The prerequisite? They’re
messed up! Rent them (if you can find them)
or get them off E-Bay. If you’re cool and like
corny movies you will enjoy them all.
“Ghost House”- (1988) This is the most
twisted horror movie I’ve
fever seen. You’ll cheer
when you see the clown
doll attack an 80s chick;
the little guy jumps on
the chick’s shoulders
and bites he»! What
else rules? This one
.. - _ . girl tells her
Karl Benacci boyfriend to “get off
his high horse” because she’s pissed at him.
The acting sucks (excluding the clown puppet
who deserves an Oscar), but people go down
in nasty ways. Warning: Don’t see this movie
if you like cats. Trust me.
“Demon Wind” - (1990) Other than its
holographic cassette cover depicting an angry
demon that is opening a window (turn the
movie jacket and the picture changes to the
monster smashing the window out —why
open a window and then smash it? Because
demons can do whatever the hell they want,
that’s why!), this movie is full of strange
things. The movie is about a guy who
(accompanied by friends) goes to an evil
house where a few of his ancestors died.
They’re lost in a mist (there is no demon wind
in the movie) and zombies attack the house
like it’s an abortion clinic.
After most of the cast is killed, the head
demon enters for a little fun (the costume the
demon is wearing appears to be an altered
Hamburgler costume from McDonald’s). The
main male character turns into an alien (this
is not explained) and fights the demon with
lasers, which is completely 80s. Movie
formula: Movie with plot + beer = laughing.
Throw this in with an egg that cracks open
filled with worms and you have a stupid, yet
awesome movie.
“Freak Show” - (1995) This movie is very
low budge. It centers around a teenage couple
who meet at a carnival freak show. The two
are introduced to a number of short horror
stories pertaining to a few artifacts they are
shown by the freak master —an old man with
a cane and no prior acting credits. In one story
a guy named John, (the town moron) switches
bodies with a rich, grizzly midget for a few
grand. I won’t disclose what happens, but I’ll
say this: it involves a stripper, alcohol and
drugs. Words cannot explain this movie. I
don’t know how it got on the list. It just did.
“Uncle Sam Dead”—(l996) Uncle Sam
Dead is probably the coolest movie on the
list. It involves a dead Desert Storm veteran
who died in combat and is shipped back to
the U.S. and awakens angry because he was
burnt to a crisp when the U.S. accidentally
blew up his helicopter. He dresses up as Uncle
Sam and goes on a bloody rampage. What
makes this movie funny? 1) Some pervert
gets into an Uncle Sam suit equipped with
stilts and spies on a chick, who is on the
second floor of her house, 2) some punk trips
people during a July 4 sack race and they fall
down a steep hill, and 3) Isaac Hayes stars as
an old Army veteran who has a cannon
hooked to the back of his pickup truck.
Enough said, playa!
“Killer Klowns from Outer Space”—
(1988) This is definitely the most popular
movie on the list. Some memorable moments
include a clown punching a biker’s head off,
little clown heads materializing in a clothing
hamper and trying to bite a chick, a fast food
worker pulled into a dumpster and eaten while
80s action background music plays, and
above all, the clowns make funny squeaky
sounds when they talk. This movie is very
special.
There are a lot more movies I want to
include but its all good. Rent these movies
and laugh at Hollywood because nothing is
better than a horror movie that can be outdone
by a home video camera, a knife and some
ketchup.
Karl’s next column will appear after
Butala is done stabbing him with a
dirty spork.
profane content
(even by Butala’s
standards)
Instead Karl
Aldi
Ah, the everlasting winter’s bite of our beloved Erie once again forces me to spend the day, not out frolicking about
with small woodland creatures (as is my preference), but perched in a slothful heap upon my couch, watching mindless
reruns on Comedy Central. But fear not! For there is salvation at hand for those of you who would like to remain in a
slothful heap but don’t want to be bombarded with mindless commercials. That’s right! Aldi’s now has a full line of
video rentals for your entertainment. And these aren’t*just any videos, oh no, these are ALDI’S video rentals. And
much like “Rice Krispies” can be easily replaced by Aldi’s brand “Rice Puffs,” so many of your favorite movies have
been tastefully redone in the Aldi’s tradition.
Take for example, one of my personal favorites “Tombstone,” starring Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer. This shoot-em
up western retells the story of Wyatt Earp and his struggle to restore order to an unruly frontier town. The Aldi’s
version “Grave Marker” takes out all the great action scenes of the original, in an artistic (if less expensive) manner.
For instance, the director of “Grave Marker” apparently decided to appease the gun control lobbyists by using, not Nick CapOZZOli
guns, but realistically pointed forefingers and cocked thumbs to recreate the archaic six-shooters of the old west. The
actors’ cries of “bang bang!” do an excellent job of mimicking the excitement of a real gunfight. Although the movie
setting closely resembles the parking lot behind Aldi’s, and the occasional vagrant may walk through a scene at an inopportune time, this
lends a gritty realism that the original just couldn’t capture.
Not satisfied with remakes of your old favorites? In the mood for something a little more risque ? Then
take a stroll over to the “Adult” section of the video aisle. We’ve all seen advertisements for “Girls Gone Wild” on
TV. This delightful film shows and documents the shameful exploitation of drunken college girls caught on film
exposing themselves to expectant crowds of homy guys. If you liked the original, you need to check out “Females
Going Crazy”. Those crazy denizens of the dumpsters behind Aldi’s whom you fell in love with in “Grave Marker”
return for another delightful performance in this highly provocative film. Actually, “Females Going Crazy” consists
mainly of some toothless hooker entertaining three homeless individuals for the tidy sum of $5. The camera may
sway and pitch slightly when the cameraman “Ray-Ray” takes a swig of his Mad Dog 20/20, but this tends to add
to the “party atmosphere” of the Aldi’s parking lot, rather than ruin the movie.
So rejoice, for entertainment has a new name! A name that makes the big production companies tremble
in their overpriced shoes. A name that promises quality at a price you can afford. And that name is ALDI’S! And
for the meager fee of $0.36 for three nights rental, you can enjoy these magical films today.
International Foosball Tournament at Behrend
By: Mike Butala
Staff Moron
On March 13, Penn State Behrend hosted
the first-ever International Foosball
Tournament. The participants
were Rob Adams
(Afghanistan), Michael Goetz
(Kenya), Garrett Miller
(Nigeria), Mark Scabiloni
(Italy), Chad Fuhrman
(Germany), Ben Kundman
(Luxemburg), Thomas
Montgomery (Herzegovina),
Michael Butala (Detroit,
Michigan), Ryan Reinhardt
(Columbia), Mark Gutman
(Poland), Nick Capazzoli
(Boliva), Ben Titus (French-
New Guinea), David
Kozminski (Mexico), Tim
Gigliotti (Azerbaijan), Joshua
Bush (Zimbabwe), and
Jonathon Cupperfield
(Sweden)
Unfortunately for Ross Lockwood
(Guatemala) and Michael McCluskey
(Trinadad-Tobago), they were eliminated in
the preliminary series prior to the
tournament, and in a cowardly move from
Mexico’s own Joe Defibaugh, the
ce
mp
ssa
has
by Ben Kundman
local idiot
Every so often, we need to embark on an
journey, nay, an epic voyage, to discover
ourselves, get thoroughly inebriated, and try
%and mack on some hot broads. I
experienced such an adventure of
self-discovery and drunken
tomfoolery beginning on
\ March 1, 2002. I
si V embarked from Erie,
d 5 v. ■■ P a - at approximately
J p m. with my
Vtrusty ’94 Dodge
Ben Kundman Intrepid a.k.a.
Ghostrider (named from a previous journey),
a pack of smokes, and a couple of truck stop
tapes.
Destination #1: Winchester, Va. via Kersey,
Pa (see figure 1)
Although Virginia doesn’t seem particularly
“south,” go there and you will find that
although some states aren’t particularly
southern geographically, they are extremely
southern in their state of mind. Once you
cross the Mason-Dixon line, the comfortable
yet barely coherent dialect of “Pittsburghese”
is replaced by a Southern twang, which
doesn’t sound so much like a twang as an
extremely unintelligent person who just
recently learned the fine art of verbal
communication desperately trying to make
some sense.
The reason I left the ignorant white trash
of Erie, Pa for the ignorant rednecks of
Friday. April 5. 2002
product
Mexicans’ spot was almost given up due to
a last-minute cancellation. The three-day
tournament was a true battle of patience and
dedication. After many hours and many,
many beers, the double-elipiination, 16-man,
International Foosball Tournament came to
an end,
Many true athletes showed great
improvement in the duration of the
tournament. Some of the surprising upsets
Know-it-all S8Z::
Four people mutually in
volved in sex acts constitute
an orgy. A mediocre orgy,
but an orgy none the less
rily long
is placed
Winchester, Va was to visit Behrend alum
Matt “the Kipper” Sudak. 1 got to The
Kipper’s place at about 7 p.m. After a seven
hour drive, most people (myself included) are
quite tired and in need of rest. Seeing as how
this was my “Spring Break,” I felt that rest
and relaxation were out of the question. The
only sure fire way for me to (legally) make it
through a heavy night of drinking is to call
upon my good friend and yours, James Beam.
That’s right, Jimmy Beam, my partner in
crime for my night of inebriated hijinks.
“The Kipper” and I met some of his co
workers from Rubbermaid Commercial (I
think they make dildos) at some local bar.
Seeing as how the crowd at this bar consisted
mainly of 50 year old couples, we decided an
alternative location for our night of drunken
revelry was needed. The male co-workers of
“The Kipper” suggested “Gables,” a bar/
dance club just over the West Virginia border.
That’s right. West Virginy, birthplace of
Monster Truck Pulls, trailer parks, and herpes.
The Kipper’s male friends made Gable’s out
to be a fantastic place where liquor flowed
like beer and hummers were thrown out like
Santa throws out candy at the Macy’s
Thanksgiving parade.
By the time we reached Gable’s, I was
already 50 percent sloshed, and after an hour
there with my partner Jim Beam I was nearing
the critical 100 percent mark. To sum up our
evening there - repeated attempts by yours
truly to “score” with the West Virginian girls
resulted in all the ass a (relatively) straight,
white dancing moron could hope to get at a
dance club - i.e., NONE. (I think they were
eview
road trip
on drunke
were Azerbaijan’s Gigliotta being eliminated
after three games. Bush from Zimbabwe getting
into the Elite 8 when he was inducted into the
tournament as a last-minute filler, and Niger’s
own Miller surprising many of
the fans by also reaching the
Elite 8. Like all good things -
such as sex - the tournament
ended, many with disgusted
looks on their faces.
The huge victory by Bush
over Italy’s Scabiloni left
Scabiloni with these words, “I
should have never lost to that
[freaking] hick.” Scabiloni
drank many beers after that.
Poland’s Gutman also was
eliminated surprisingly early
and when prompted for a
comment he had none.
However, Gutman’s Special
Knife was ground and when
asked Mark’s reaction to the
tournament, it replied,
As a result of the tournament, Reinhardt got
the polyethylene medal, Detroit’s Butala got the
bronze, Adams won the Silver, Luxemburg’s
Kundman captured the gold and Sweden’s
Cupperfield came away with the Super Gold
Medal.
Appp! WL ere be tbe new
humop page wpiteps?
Writers are needec
for Fall 2002. Send <
'■EHHry 4-600 word sample oi
■PWP your work tc
behrcoll2@aol.com.
t
t
ry
mf
intimidated by anyone with more than 24
teeth.) Several of The Kipper’s male co
workers decided to engage in the ancient art
of ‘crotch tapping’ to which I decided to carry
over to one of the female Rubbermaid
employees (granted I was nice enough to
make it a butt tap) but in response to my
friendly butt tap she gave me a not so friendly
pool-stick tap to the side of the head. Except
when I say “tap,” I mean full baseball swing
to the dome. Don’t mess with girls from West
V
Figure 1: The author pays
homage to the Kersey cow.
Coming next week.
Destination #2 Atlantic City,
Destination #3: Philadelhia,
and more false god worship.
Ben Kundman , Humor Page Editor
it
le
behrcoll2 @ aol.com
Dirty Teddy’s
Malt Liquor
Boozehound
of the Week
pennState
r ~ 'I I
Geppetto is this week’s
boozehound of the week, not for
one single act of drunken idiocy,
but rather for an unbelievable
amount of alcohol consumption for
a mortal man in an on-campus
apartment.
7:30 p.m.- Had that “I got a buzz”
face on.
10:15 p.m. - Did a shot with each
and every person at the party.
11 p.m.- Started busting out the ol’
soccer chant.
11:30 p.m. - A Mercyhurst student/
Partners employee performed a
strip tease and he accidentally.gave
her a $5 rather than a $l, thus re
ceiving a super special lap dance.
11:45 p.m. - He yelled cheers to
METs, Apt. , poon palace, and
said he loves everybody repeatedly.
11:55 p.m. - He attempted to do
yoga and fell over in the living
room trying to turn himself into a
pretzel.
1 a.m. - After slamming down 20
some odd shots in the course of the
evening, Geppetto exchanged his
wood-carving knife for a garbage
can and proceeded to puke his guts
out for the next two hours, passed
out, then awoke the next day only
to resume puking for several hours.
Dirty Teddy and The Behrend Beacon
encourage students to drink responsibly.
Boozehound of the Week was created to show
what can happen when one consumes 100
much alcohol and makes a complete jack
ass out of him or herself
Send your 50-100 word nomination for
Boozehound of the Week to:
behrcoM2@aol.com.
Note: We will not publish stories about crimi
nal acts. If you want your name in the paper,
the nomination must come from your psu per
sonal account. If you want your picture in the
paper, send a jpeg file along with your story.
Things I
wholeheartedly
endorse for
road trips:
by Ben Kundman
local idiot
Things I wholeheartedly endorse for road
Flying J Travel Plaza:
When you say “truck stop,” I say Flying
J Travel Plaza. Their consistent mediocrity
is unrivaled in the truck stop industry.
Alttfbugh I was disappointed by a truck stop
tape collection completely devoid of
Johnny Cash OR AC/DC, 1 still found
solace in their “super-pot,” a toilet in the
bathroom completely tiled into a room of
its own. Flying J or nothing, baby!
Radar detectors:
Self-explanatory.
Hoodies:
Hooded sweatshirts are the greatest
invention known to man. Two days into my
spring break road trip I realized a shower
was either a.) an unnecessary waste of
invaluable drinking time, or b.) a pillage
of mother earth’s natural resources. 1
thereby decided not to remove my hoodie
for the duration of my roadtrip.
Disgusting? Yes, to those unfamiliar to
minor levels of filth. My hoodie served as
an amazing odor abrorber, a pillow, and a
fire-resistant pimp suit.
Truck stop topes:
Let me tell you something - Flying J
Travel Plaza had neither Johnny Cash nor
AC/DC - BUT it did have Party Hits of
the 60’s. “Wooly Booly,” “Louie, Louie,”
and “Mony Mony” -1 don’t know what it
is about 60’s Party Hits with archaic hippie
drug references as both their titles and their
choruses that make me want to chick ALL
OVER my steering wheel.
Erie