The Barend Bacon
Behind the silicone:
interview with Britney Spears
by Ben “I wrote way too many
articles for the Bacon” Kundman
local boozehound
8.K.: How are you doing today Britney?
8.5.: Oh my god, I’m like totally way super
excited about my new movie. *
8.K.: So you’re doing good?
8.5.: My new movie. Crossroads, is like totally
in theaters now.
8.K.: Are you even listening to the questions
I’m asking you?
8.5.: Crossroads is a heartwarming tale about
three girls going through some of the trials and
tribulations most young women experience just
out of high school.
B.K. Wow! That actually didn’t sound
completely moronic!
8.5.: Yeah, my like manager made me learn
that so I would sound, urn, like what’s that
word?
8.K.: Intelligent?
8.5.: No, urn, like the little one.
8.K.: Smart?
8.5.: Urn, yeah that's totally it!
8.K.: You’re a moron.
8.5.: My new album will be out like totally
soon! You should buy it!
B.K
B.S.
Madoi
Lack of New Dean results in Voter Initiatives
Another funny article by Ryan Anthony
by Ryan “I have a poop
fetish” Anthony
funny article writer
In the longtime absence of a permanent
dean here at Behrend, voter initiatives have
gone into effect. Under this ruling, students
make the key decisions at school by propos
ing new laws, which are then put into effect
if two thirds of the student population votes
in favor of the proposed law.
The first law to pass under the student ini
tiative is to bring Behrend back to its roots
by making it into a farm again. Homeless
MIS major Jarrid Bullard proposed the idea
before student government at a meeting last
week. Bullard, who has been living in the
basement of Turnbull Hall for the past nine
semesters, said that Mary Behrend’s ghost
appeared to him on several occasions, swear
ing to haunt him until the campus was con
verted back to a farm.
“I was asleeping on that there couch them
nice business folks got down there and I was
all snuggled up under my blanket of unread
Beacons when something awoken me. I ‘bout
near fell off my couch when Old Lady
Behrend told me we was destroying her
farm.” According to Bullard, Mary Behrend
warned that if the school did not become more
farm-like, Ernst Behrend and his dog Bruno
would go on a haunting spree.
Due to this newly passed initiative, the
occasional squirrel and skunk are not the only
animals appearing on this campus. On an
ordinary day, students and faculty now come
across a variety of barnyard animals, includ
ing horses, pigs, ducks, chickens, dogs, goats,
cows, sheep, and donkeys.
“This place is a zoo,” reported one student.
“I cannot even walk from my car to class
without almost stepping in some kind of ani
mal (excrement).”
Another was overheard saying, “Those
damn chickens keep trying to peck my eyes
out. I hate those peckers!”
With the addition of these animals, the Uni
versity has had to make a few changes. First,
maintenance workers no longer have the
trying to be Marilyn Monroe? You will never
be as beautiful as she is and all the makeup in
the world won’t help.
8.5.: Like who is that? And of course I’m better
looking than she is, I’m like, totally the hottest
girl in the world.
B.K. So what do you think of the Bacon?
B.S. It’s really small.
8.K.: Well, it’s a student run newspaper at a
small college and I think its pretty dang good.
B.S. I wasn't talking about the newspaper, but I
see why your nickname isn’t Big Ben.
8.K.: Bitch.
B.S. Whatever!
B.K. So how is it dating that one loser from N
Sync?
B.S. Oh my god, Justin is like totally great, I
mean people think we’re just dating because
we're both super hot and real famous and junk,
but we have a lot in common.
B.K. Like what?
8.5.: We’re both pop superstars with nothing
but drug addiction and gas pumping to look
forward to after our careers end.
B.K. Nice. One last question Britany... Real or
fake?
8.5.: Oh my god! Justin is such a dud in the
sack of course I have to
-or
luxury of sitting in their trucks while they
“work.” The maintenance crew now rides
horses as they peruse the campus looking for
dirt to shovel back into place. Additionally,
snowplow-equipped trucks will no longer be
used during the winter weather. Rather, team
of oxen will pull a plow across campus in or
der to remove the snow. According to H&SS,
this will beneficial because the same team of
oxen will be able to till the Behrend fields in
the growing season.
“With all these animals running around I
feel like I am going to school at Westminster
College,” stated one student. “The next thing
I know, an Amish guy will ride by on a horse
and buggy.” As he said this, an Amish guy
rode by on a horse and buggy.
Bearing most of the stress caused by the
initiative is the School of Business, whose
office in Turnbull Hall has been restored as
the barn that it once was in the first half of the
century. Clucks, moos and oinks can be heard
from classrooms on the main floor of Turnbull
as the animals roam free on the floor below.
On the positive side, students no longer have
to walk through snow to get to class. Instead,
they can ride the animals as long as they are
quick enough to catch them. “It’s tough to
catch a big pig running freely around the apart
ment quad, but once I caught it, I rode that
hog all the way down to the Academic Build
ing,” said one Communications major.
Also, most of the animals squeal or snort
with delight over the swill Dobbins provides
from leftovers. Unfortunately, an abundance
of swill leads to an abundance of excrement.
Pooper-scooping will be offered next semes
ter as a gym class.
As can be expected, a chapter of PETA has
formed on campus, comprising mostly of hip
pie English majors.
2: I meant your
ibs.
8.5.: Oh well like
my mom says since
silicon is like,
from earth, and
now it’s in my
boobs, then
they’re real cuz
like fake would
mean something
else.
Friday, March 29, 2069
Inebriated fun games exposed!
by Mike “I love women" Butala
local feminist
Mike Ross Titus
Halfpipe 17,441 417 212
Foothag 155,000 10,400 16,800
Surfing 90
Skating 4000 40 440
BXM 12,510 0 2,420
Flying Disk 570 150
Not as fun as one would think, a true test on
one's ability to play Nintendo and the test of a
person s ability to drink. This was a one-day
festival of drunken debauchery and hand eye
coordination. The combatants were Ben Titus,
Ross Lockwood and Mike Butala, the weapons
of choice. Golden Anniversary pounders and
quarts of Country Club Malt Liquor. The first
event of the day was a California Games
Tournament. Mike was sponsored by Milton
Bradley, Ross by Kawasaki and Ben by Maxx
Out, which no one has ever heard of. Although
Mike came in first in every event. Ross Lockwood
was awarded the Gold, Ben with the Silver and
Mike with the Bronze. When asked for a
comment. Butala said, "I dunno, computer glitch.”
R.van Reinhardt added that the person who wins
in Skating should be the first person to make the
broad fall on her lace. No one laughed.
As the games continued, technical difficulties
arose when RBI baseball would not work and
therefore proceeded to Jordan vs. Bird Slam Dunk
competition. From the get go. Ben Titus showed
weakness in the first round scoring 4, 2 then 1 on
his final dunk. I his eliminated him from the rest
ot the competition leaving him with 28 drinks of
beer and Ross and Mike to the finals. In the finals,
the normally highest scoring, yet hardest dunk,
the "Back Slam", was the weakness of both
finalists, resulting in a score of 4 for Ross and 2
by Tony DiPlacido
bacon fry cook
Here at the Bacon, we bring the news
about everything that goes on the the known
universe. So we thought, why stop there?
You, the reader, deserve to know it all. So I,
being the noble reporter and journalist, jour
neyed into an alternate dimension to see
what is going on in a reality that never ex
isted.
In this alternate reality, which we will call
Tonyland to avoid confusion, I am a straight
A student, and have to shake the girls off
me. Some guys, too. In this reality Osama
Bin Laden wins the Nobel Peace Prize, and
Mike Butala wins the Poet Laurate.
Robin Williams is Dean of Behrend. The
TKE’s are nice to me. Boy Bands don’t ex
ist, and MTV is ruled by Jazz and Rock.
Hairbands didn’t go out with the 80’s. Vince
McMahon realizes he makes Pro Wrestling
suck and has his son Shane take over the
Bacon ‘Production Night’ pics
Babes in Tonyland
for Mike. However, the “Toss Slam” as the
opening dunked clinched the victory after Ross’s
feeble attempt of “Kiss the Rim” in the final dunk
of the game, leaving Ross with 41 total drinks
and Mike with 24. First place was awarded to
Ross, followed by Ben and then Mike based on
the fact that drinking the most is encouraged.
The next event was Ice Hockey, not to be
confused with Blades of Steel. Mike chose the
USSR, Ross chose Sweden and Ben with
Czechoslovakia. It was a round-robin tournament
ilk
with Ross and Ben up first and ended up with 14-
14 tie at the end of the third, resulting in a shoot
out, when Ross outscored Ben 2 to 1, resulting in
Ross with the win and a total of 31 total drinks
award to all three Inebriated Fun Games
participants. The next game between Ross and
Mike ended up with a 9-8 victory on the side of
the Soviets. Five fights broke out all resulting in
penalties to the Swedes only. The end tally of the
game was 27 drinks for Mike, 32 drinks for Ross
and Ben left to get more booze so he didn’t drink
any expect for the car ride there. When Titus
returned, he faced Mike and lost in a close 13 to
11 game resulting in the undefeated showing of
the Soviets but since only alcohol consumption
matters, Ross got the Gold, Mike with the Silver
and Ben with the Bronze.
Tecmo Bowl was the next game played, as Ross
was the top seed, Ben and Mike had a battle to
WWF. Teachers make more money than Bas
ketball players. In Tonyland the the currency
is in the form of little guitars, but everyone
has plenty of it.
Love isn’t questioned. The word “war”
isn’t in the dictionary. Everyone is the same
religion. My girlfriend lets me get a tetoo.
“Jackass” is still on the air, and is the num
ber one show on PBS. Michael Jordan re
tired for good eight years ago. Tiger Woods
is my Caddy. Jon Bulushi is alive and still in
movies. That reminds me, Saturday Night
Live is still funny. Courtney Love is a mis
sionary. Crammys have meaning. Howard
Stem is a preacher. Rush Limbah is the de
partment store Santa Claus. Cameron Diaz
is an excellent actress.
Tonyland is a place where people sing in
stead of talk in normal conversation. A 1 Gore
is President, but he’s not a liar. AC/DC
perfomed at Behrend instead of Sugar Ray,
and the place was packed. ABC stops peri
odically taking “The Job” off the air. Mov-
Law & Order on
the tube, three
40’s of Pepsi,
and three
Bacon editors
laying out
pages on a
Wednesday
night - it just
doesn’t get any
better than this.
the death, Ben as the Raiders and Butala as the
Giants. Bo “Knows Candy” Jackson ran for like
a million yards and ran for the victory of 27-7.
As Ross talking trash on the game, a very
defensive game broke out between Titus and
Lockwood. Lockwood even took the woman’s
way out by kicking a 35-yard field goal in the
first half, but that wasn’t enough as Ben rolled
over him resulting in the Raiders’ 14 to the Bears’
3. Ross sulked.
After much blowing and jiggling, RBI blasted
the heavenly rhythm that bring tears to everyone
mourning the victory of the Twins in the World
Series in 1987. Ross went to get even more beer
leaving Ben and Mike to play the first and
unfortunately, the only game of Drinking RBI
baseball. Titus picked the Mets, starring phenoms
such as Doc Gooden and Darryl Strawberry as
Butala picked the best baseball team in the world.
Yes, you guessed it, the 1987 Detroit Tigers,
featuring “Sweet” Lou Whitaker and Jack Morris,
who started the game for Detroit. By this point,
many stats such as hits, strike outs and walks were
unable to be read the next day, the only recording
is that Butala won 7-3 over Titus, resulting in
Butala drinking 92 drinks and Titus with 199
drinks.
In conclusion, the Inebriated Fun Games were
a huge success and if RBI Baseball had worked,
the tournament would have been much different.
Butala still upheld his title of best California
Games Footbag player of all time.
Ist Ben Titus - 453 drinks
2nd Mike Butala - 338 drinks
3rd Ross Lockwood - 299 drinks
ies based on videogames are very profound.
The Pope can do the Duck Walk,
Morals are important. Divorces don’t hap
pen- AIDS doesn’t exist. Pups don’t exist.
Unicorns do. People try to be more like Andy
Kaufman. The sword Excaliber is wielded by
Scott Stepp from Creed. The National Anthem
is “You can still Rock in America” by Night
Ranger. Roger Daltrey is the King of England.
The Steelers won the Superbowl this year.
When people say “I love you” they always
mean it.
Alas, I had to leave Tonyland and come
back to a world where capitalism rules life,
and the mojority of students think Uriah Heap
is a chocolate shake. But I can go back when
ever I want, and each and every one of you is
invited to come with me.
Most of or all of the stories
and/or photos for this issue of
the Barend Bacon are en
tirely fictional; that is, they
are not real; that is, they do
not really exist! They are
made up and names changed
(for the most part) to protect
the guilty. These four pages
represent figments of our
ITER
IUNCIL;
\NKS
THE
IGS,
editors ’ demented minds. No
offense is directed toward
anyone in this issue and no
one should take offense!
Laugh a little for once, it’s
April Fool’s Day! Now keep
reading and enjoy the real
“Behrend Beacon”for this
Bacon Disclaimer:
week!