Pontiac Spokesperson:
“We build really, really
ugly cars.”
One of Pontiac’s better looking ugly-mobiles, the Aztek,
by Ben “I go for the
younger broads” Kundman
resident engineer
A spokesman for Pontiac announced earlier today a
radical change in their slogan. The Pontiac logo since
1966, “We Build Excitement” will be replaced by “We
Build Really, Really Ugly Cars.”
Mitch Buchanan, the Vice-President of marketing for
Pontiac, was contacted concerning the sudden name
change. “I was sick of people confusing our car
company with others. I would be at a party, and when
people would ask me what I do for a living, I would
tell them 1 was a VPof marketing at a major automotive
manufacturer. They’d ask me which one, and I’d reply
“We Build Excitement.” Most people would say
something to the effect of “So, you work for Audi?”
I’d then have to explain to them that I worked for
Pontiac, and when they wouldn’t know which car
company that was, I would simply say ‘We build really,
really ugly cars.’ After that, they would immediately
know I worked for Pontiac.
The name change will affect Pontiac’s sales tactics
considerably. “We won’t be denying the ugliness of
our cars any longer: we will embrace their horrific
styling, just as someone would fall in love with an
extremely ugly stray dog. We want to be recognized
for our ugliness.
Research finds commuters up
to 87% louder than residents
Noticing a trend of students speaking more loudly than
ever before, the Psych lab conducted a thorough
investigation to try and find the environmental and/or
physical causes of LSS or “Loud Student Syndrome.”
Decibel levels of 100 students’ speaking voices were
collected and analyzed. The trend that the Psych students
found was not based or ethnicity, gender, or economic
status - but rather depending on rather students lived on
campus or off.
Decibel levels recorded just outside the Commuter
Councils’ door in Reed registered 105 dB. “That’s louder
Question of the Weak
! >‘S&
r -'
"j get enough broads, I don’t
need a new bar to see some
tatters."
Chuck Slime
Colt, 45
The horrendously ugly styling featured on the Pontiac
Aztek, as well as the Pontiac Vibe GT (which we call
“Ugly Jr.”) makes the driver look really attractive in
relationship to the ugliness of the car. It’s kind of like
when you’re at Giant Eagle and you see Spam,
Manwich, and Hamburger Helper all next to one
another. Normally, Hamburger Helpers doesn’t look all
that great - but put it next to Manwich and Spam, and
that stuff looks line fine cuisine!” In fact, the reason
we make such ugly cars is to help extremely ugly people
get laid. Here is a testimony from a satisfied Aztek
owner:
“I had trouble getting women to wait on me at
restaurants, let alone give me their phone numbers. I
went out and bought a yellow Aztek, and now the
women won’t leave me alone. Compared to my car
truck-SUV-mini-van thingy, I look-like Tom Cruise.”
“The Vibe GT was created because we had scores of
letters from younger buyers saying ‘Hey! We want ugly
cars too, but we can’t afford them Azteks!”’Apparently
they weren’t satisfied with the Grand Am and Grand
Prix models, which we affectionately call “Lif Ugs GA
and Lif Ugs GP.”
Pontiac’s new slogan will hopefully revitalize this
ailing GM division and usher in a new era of automotive
honesty.
than a jet taking off and almost as loud as an elephant
having an orgasm!” commented Ronnie Jon Jon, Psych
018. The Psych department was unable to find a real cause
of the excessively loud commuters, but Jon Jon did offer
a theory:
“We think there may have been one extremely loud,
popular commuter who caused many of the other
commuters to suffer hearing loss. They in turn began
talking louder to one another, and this effect snowballed
across the entire commuting population.”
"I was actually thinking of
starting my oum magazine, I
could write an article about it!"
Hugh
Photography, 87
* Insert date here*
FILE PHOTO
/Oplfe
"Where can I get an
application?"
Asia Carrera
Psychology, 34D
Vote for Kundman in 2016
Although I’m not all that good looking, lack what they
call “charisma,” have poor personal hygiene, and possess
less intellectual capacity than a Gardner snake, I feel 1 have
the “right stuff’ to be President of the United States in 2016.
Most presidential candidates will issue scores and scores
of campaign “promises,” of which little to none are actually
kept. I, however, will be different than any other presidential
candidate -1 will issue campaign “likelies,” which means
no one in the nation will be let down if I don’t get around to
doing anything.
Some of my campaign likelies include:
“I am likely to solve world hunger if I recover from my
hangover in time.”
“I am likely to find a peace resolution in the Middle East
so long as a snowball freezes in hell”
“I am likely to have a staff made up entirely of 18-21
year old females.”
“I am likely to force secret service
guys to participate in a random straw
drawing every morning. The secret
service agent with the shortest straw
will be forced to spend the day in a
3 piece suit with clown makeup and
big pink clown afro. This secret
service agent’s only form of
communication will be with a little
red toot horn.
“I will likely eradicate hackers
from the face of the earth. These rat
bastards have tortured you, me, and
my nice innocent PC for long
enough. Guess what, buddy? 1 got
picked on a lot in high school too. I
still expect to have garbage thrown
at me when I skateboard down the
street or to hear shouts of “skater fag”
every time I walk down a crowded
hallway. Do you see me writing
viruses that wipe out vast collections
of MP3’s and internet porno in some
Hot Spots in Erie
Figure 1.1 - An artist’s
rendering of Freddy
Krueger
by KoolKarl
collector of Garbage Pail Kids
You want hot? How about thousands of
degrees, baby? Garbage sucks and smells bad,
but if you burn it, it goes away. After all, if it
wasn’t for the Behrend incinerator Behrend
would be a landfill and we would all have to wear
waders to go to class or risk disease.
How else has the incinerator benefited
Behrend? 1) It’s the only warm place on campus,
2) It destroys evidence, 3) Famous ghoul Freddy
' •:t : 1 | Vff?l £ I. l ' ..
"Yeah, me too, where can I get
an application?"
Jack
Education, 01
‘The Behrend Incinerator’
sort of pseudo-masculine revenge tactic? No. The only thing
hackers are good for is getting free software for me. Other
than that, they will be shackled in their town square and
stoned to death (and not with bong rips.)
“In order to promote unity among all genders, ethnicities,
and social classes, I will likely hold bi-weekly keggers on
the Whitehouse lawn. Every kegger will have free mini
hotdogs and a kick ass band, like AC/DC or The Clash.”
“I will likely drive around in bullet-proof A-team vans
accompanied by several Dukes of Hazzard cars rather than
the typical limousines.
“I will likely abandon all military Humvees for an giant
army of Shriner cars equipped with 50-caliper machine
guns.”
“I will likely replace land mines throughout the world
with ‘land mimes,’ mimes loaded with 56 pounds of C 4.”
Figure 1.2 -An artist’s rendering of
Kool Karl
Krueger credits the Behrend incinerator for
making him famous. The list could go on and
on. Hot fire and burning plastic definitely go
hand in hand, making the Behrend incinerator a
definite Hot Spot in Erie.
Author’s Unrelated Note: The lab I escaped
from has been hot on my trail and I fear they’ll
find me soon so I must begin creating my brood.
Any suitable females wishing to procreate for
offspring may send the Bacon a resume;
tremendous leaping ability and flexibility along
with the capability to see in the dark are a must.
"Hey, you put that !#@s@@s
on the stage and I'll @s#%#%
the !@#@ss% out of that
!©#s%."
Andy
Women's Studies, 06
The Barend Bacon
PHOTO BY BELLO
Figure 1.3 - Slasher
Asher, one of the
missing cards out of
KoolKart’s Garbage
Pail Kids set.