Death on
the toilet is
honorable
Anthony
humor columnist
Do you have a penis? Oh, you don’t?
Well, that’s too bad, because having a
penis makes you a guy and being a guy is
the most stupendous thing in the world.
This is probably not news to you because
it’s been a well-known fact for as long as
humans have been on the earth, but if you
did not already know this, let me explain
why.
First, I would like to cite several
examples. The following are all guys, and
who is cooler than any of these people:
Charlie Daniels, George Patton, Johnny
Cash, Franklin Roosevelt, Elvis Presley,
Winston Churchill, Genghis Khan, Andre
the Giant, Babe Ruth, John Wayne, Frank
Sinatra, Lee Marvin, and Thomas
Jefferson. Because of these men,
superpowers were crushed, drunken home
runs were slammed, the world’s greatest
nation was ruled from a wheelchair, Las
Vegas exists, wild marijuana grows in
fields surrounding a plantation in Virginia,
servants poi knoeked ud, bad guvs eot
shot up, there is an “Eighth Wonder of the
World,” and death on the toilet or during
sex is honorable.
These are some of the celebrated males
throughout history, but we average guys
can take pride in our manhood as well.
Certain parts of our lives make being a
guy as awesome as it is.
There are the obvious things like having
a keen sense of direction and the ability
to guzzle beer. Without these, we might
have to stop to look at a map or be shot
down at a restaurant. You can always rely
on beer to be there for you, no matter
where you go. Conversely, drinkers of
girly mixed or designer drinks (“I’ll have
a Louisiana Lemonade please”) cannot
always get what they want.
Aside from a jacked up CJ-7, what
greater thing on wheels is there than a
pickup truck, and I am not referring to a
two-wheel-drive pickup. Why do those
even exist? A beater 4x4 is going to get
you and all of your possessions from point
A to point B, even if there is a mud pit
covered with three feet of snow in
between.
Next, I would like to tip my hat (that’s
why guys wear hats, so we can tip them)
to a fellow editorial columnist. I believe
it was Amanda Prischak who wrote a few
weeks ago about the ridiculousness of
Abercrombie and Fitch. Like her, I own
my share of clothes from there, but they
are all left over from when I was young
and dumb.
After taking 40-some college classes, I
am now just young and a little less dumb.
Guys wear the clothes that they have and
do not need to have new clothes with
labels on their chests, shoulders, sleeves,
and collars. We can go anywhere not
giving a damn what we are wearing, but
with a shower, shave and two-button suit,
we have the ability to surprise even our
own mothers. That is the beauty of
guyhood; most of the time clothing does
not matter, but when it comes down to
business, we can knock your socks off.
All girlfriends out there, please take
special note of this next point. No matter
how much a guy is in love with you,
always remember that to a guy, the
greatest woman who ever lived and ever
will live is his mother. No questions, no
debate, no controversy. No woman will
ever take precedence over his own mother.
Period.
Finally, the distinction of being a guy
is unsurpassable because we know who
Tyler Durden is. Granted, I know some
females out there who also know who he
is; you are cooler than most girls. If you
are a guy and do not know who Tyler
Durden is, go rent “Fight Club” and live
by it. You might as well buy it because it
is a movie you should be watching on a
weekly basis. “The things you own end
up owning you.” I’ll be the first to admit
that I have too much stuff, so if you like
my stuff, just ask and I might give it to
you. I can live without it.
Anthony’s column appears
every three weeks.
The Elephant says...
There is no doubt that the Sec
ond Amendment to the U.S. Con
stitution extends to the individual
right to carry firearms. To say it
doesn’t would be the same thing as
saying that individuals in this coun
try don’t have freedom of speech,
individuals don’t have lreedom of
religion and individuals don’t have
freedom from illegal searches and
seizures. The framers of the Con
stitution knew the consequences of
an overbearing government.
Taxation without representation,
the quartering of British troops in
homes, and a plethora of other
abuses laid out in the Declaration
of Independence.
Fighting alongside the Continen
tal Army during the revolution were
private citizens, citizens who
owned guns.
Next is education. Parents need
to educate their children about the
dangers of guns and the proper way
Every other week, the Dems. and Reps, will address and debate current issues in the nation.
Students, faculty and staff are encouraged to email suggestions for topics. Send ideas to behrcoU2 QPaol.com
Sex, drugs, and rock n roll don’t come cheap
Kundman
intriguing campus
information or c.) good for a quick laugh
before going into the bird cage.
Most people on campus will pick c.), as the
Beacon seems to be acquiring new readership
as of late.
What most people on campus don't realize
is that, The Beacon is not put out by a bunch
of chain-smoking monkeys in Korea, although
the writing sometimes resembles it. I am
Erie - the mistake by the lake
each weekly installment of the beacon
there exists yet another tired harangue about
how much Erie sucks. Not only do 1 have to
read the endless complaints against my home
town, but I also must hear them each time the
weekend arrives. While many people’s griev
ances are valid, I am beyond tired of hearing
the same things that have been reiterated to
me since I was in high school.
Like I previously stated, I am a bom and
jH"
s Charlton Heston
The Beacon is a.)
a waste of paper h.)
an endless source of
bred Erieite. My origin never bothered me
until I entered high school. I felt I was too
ambitious and cosmopolitan to live the rest
of my life in Erie and for three years
Amanda Prischak made elaborate plans to escape the
clutches of the Great Lakes fegion.
Around this time last year, I received my
one-way ticket to a life of fun and excite
ment in New York City in the form of an ad
mission letter to Barnard College. However,
due to some funny circumstances and events,
1 am back in the “mistake by the lake.”
1 agree, Erie does not offer a plethora of
cultural events or adventure. But what did
you expect when you decided to reside and
study here? Erie is a working class city, a
small one at that, tucked away in a remote
corner of a pretty boring state. It is silly to
have great expectations of Erie being the back
ground to the ultimate college experience.
out tail, in
Friday ; March 29, 2002
to handle
them. I’m all
for gun edu-
cation and keeping guns out of the
hands of criminals, but you can’t
do that by passing nonsensical gun
laws. Criminals will still get their
guns illegally. Thats why they’re
criminals, they don’t obey the law.
Now, let me dive into the startling
facts segment. First, you are 80
percent more likely to be killed by
medical malpractice than to be ac
cidentally killed by a gun in
America. Second, between 1992
and 1997, in a study done by the
FBI, the number of guns in America
rose by 25 million. In those same
years gun related crime decreased
40 percent.
Finally, in Victoria, Australia,
where it is now illegal for citizens
to carry handguns, homicides are
up 300 percent.
Malt Czegan
sitting in the lovely Reed building at 11:29
p.m. on a Wednesday night working
on layout for the editorial pages. 1
really should be at J.D. and
Squirrel’s getting crushed with my
homeboys, but The Beacon owns
my heart, my mind, and my body. Bitch, bitch,
moan moan. I realize everyone on campus
(well, with the exception of all the liberal arts
majors) has a ton of work to do - but we at
the Beacon do an inordinate amount of work
for 2-3 credits and an occasional pat on the
Wider than the Erie Daily Times, roughly
15 pages long, and sporting a snazzy color
front page, the Beacon kicks the crap out of
any of the area college papers.
What’s the difference between the Beacon
and Mcrcyhurst’s, Edinboro’s, or Gannon’s
paper? Their writers and editors get paid with
our
The Donkey says...
Gun control. Why is it that we as a country
waste so much time arguing over something
so simplistic? In our two party system ol
government, the Republicans always attempt
to convince their misguided followers that till
Democrats arc against the ownership and
possession of guns. T his is just not true. Most
Democrats only want people to use their
common sense when dealing with dangcious
weapons.
I’m a Democrat with a big "D." and I own
a handgun, multiple shotguns, and rifles. But
the entire argument is a moot point. I am not
even going to get into all of the statistics and
studies that say handguns kill children,
because I feel that irresponsible parents kill
children. The portion of the argument that I
want to focus on is the Constitutional part.
Republicans like to talk about their Second
Amendment rights, at least the second half ol
them, so lets take this moment to review a
little Con-Law. The Second Amendment reads
as follows, “A well-regulated militia, being
necessary to the security of a tree state, the
right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall
not be infringed.”
Just by looking at the Second Amendment,
it seems fairly straight-forward, right? Wrong.
It is impossible to take the language in the
Second Amendment without looking into the
Constitution to see how it was used elsewhere.
The Republicans would like you to believe
that a “well regulated militia" is something
as backwards as the NRA. But when the word
“militia" is cross-referenced to Article I
Section 8 of the Constitution it clearly refers
to an organization that is under the power of
the Congress of the United States. Article I
UM To Push ou?0 a _
D M *R Btoci-
school money. The only money any Beacon
editors get is from ad revenue, anil the writers
get no money and less respect. Gannon
staffers get 1/2 or full tuition, and payments
for individual stories. Mercyhurst pays $5OO
for top editors and $250 for section editors.
(Again, from the school, not from ad revenue.)
Mike “The Lion” Bello puts m 25 hours a
week for three credits and a little bit of cash
Rob "1 date high school girls" Wynne puts in
30 hours a week for three credits and enough
money for a ban el of Heineken. I. the humble
humor/editorial page editor and writer/lover
extraordinare put in 15 plus hours a week for
two credits (which 1 don't need.) and the
admiration of several pimply, chubby. IX year
old freshmen (males, of course.) Actually
most of the admiration now goes to Mike
Butala for his inane sexist ramblings.
The Beacon, in my opinion, is a darn good
The only background you will be provided
with is a bleak one from the live-month long
winters,
The weather is another favorite gripe from
fellow students. After 19 years in Erie, I will
not lie; Erie has a disgusting weather pattern.
Extremely unpredictable with endless winters,
Erie hardly has an ideal climate. But once
again, what did you expect? Erie sits on the
edge of a lake that is constantly creating weird
weather patterns and is almost as far north as
Canada. One should expect harsh winters and
the fickle rises and subsequent drops in tem
perature that put the dreary before Erie.
Sometimes 1 wonder why 1 defend Erie
when I myself can barely stand it at times.
Part of the reason is that I will always have a
soft spot for my city by the bay. This was my
stomping ground and 1 will always miss it in
a way. Another reason for my defense of Erie
resident?
Section 8 lends
as follows, " The
Congress shall
have power to
provide for callin'!
forth the Militia to execute the Laws
ol the Union, suppress insurrections and repel
invasions; To provide for organizing, arming,
and disciplining, the Militia, and tor governing
suet) pait of them as may he employed in the
service of the Untied States, reserving to the
States respectively, the Appointment of the
Officers, and the Authority of (raining the
Militia according to the discipline prescribed
by Congress."
Since the Republicans are embracing the
Second Amendment why aren't they
embracing the entire C (institution.’ Because
most Americans do not even know what their
Constitution savs Dili I miss the part the
where the Congress ol the United States of
America appointed Charlton Heston the head
of our national Militia .' I didn t think so. But
all of the Republicans are so hell bent on
standing up tor their ('(institutional rights, why
aren't they being organized under the power
of our national government to protect our
borders from invasion and helping the
government suppress insurrection. Because it
is already being done by the National Guard.
So next time any of you plan on taking a plane
flight, gist thank your lucky stars that it is the
National Guard euardine our airports and not
ourother “militia," the NRA!
J'. :
a
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paper. Yes, ue do have some typoes and
grammerr errars. hut try and find any major
newspaper that goes mistake tree every issue
and I'll pise vou ms favorite stuffed Care
Hear. Heaeon svnters. editors, and
photographers ssork extremely hard on a paper
svhieh makes all of the other area college
papers look like a 5 year old s Crayola artwork
on the back of his f iat N' I'aik place mat. Yes,
I am proud of our ness spaper - a lot of people
ssork very hard in this office (my Hell away
from home), in their rooms, and on campus
to put this paper out every week. When
students are ssorking lor eredit or for a small
compensation, a fairly pood product will
result. When students ssork for lair
compensation, an amazingly pood product
ss ill result.
is that there are so many other ssorse places.
Hor instance. I can only ssonder ss hat students
in lidinboro or Grove City do lor entertain
ment. The aforementioned places are truly in
the middle ot nowhs*re and I think after four
years in either tossn I ssould he on the brink
of suicide.
In closing, il sou find I Tic so utterly un
bearable. pay a s ixit to sour advisor and make
plans to transfer Just stop weighing every
one dossil svith your perpetual bitching. At
the very least, count your blessings.. .alter all,
Canada's drinking age is still 19.
The Be hr end Beacon
“^5^ L.
Kundman 's column appears
throughout the semester.
Prisehak \ column appears
everv three weeks.
Page
Troy Frederick
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