Ben Kundman, Humor Page Editor
behrco!l2 @ aol.com
Editors note: The opinions, thoughts, and
meaningless rantings contained within Mike
Butala’s articles are his own and do not reflect
the opinions of the Beacon staff. In fact, we all
think he's a real jackass.
Women belong in
the kitchen...
...an obvious fact but not necessarily
relevant to the rest of my article. You
see, I m sick of two things. One:
broads that write emails to the Beacon
saying my articles are “controversial.” JZSH
They’re just p.o.’d because the Teflon la. 1L
wore away from her favorite pan and »
she’s taking it out on me and Two: Mike Blltald
Figure skating guys who think Robin Williams should
be dean of the school. That’s just retarded and if you
think that, you can go to hell. But nonetheless, this article
will not do two of my favorite things, pick on minorities
and insult women, but don’t stop reading this. I know
it’s hard because those are probably your favorite two
things, too.
So I was lying around spring break at like 4 in the
morning watching Comedy Central and “Battlebots” was
on. Figure no one watches that show so you might as
well put it on when everyone’s asleep. Granted the show
blows but I saw a Magic: The Gathering sticker on the
robot and usually I’d write about the homicidal goth kids
outside Brunos , but not this time. But I thought it was
kinda funny that Magic: The Gathering sponsored
Battlebots because that seems like something those crazy
homics would like. I’d really expect nothing less from a
subculture patronizing the sweet nectar of the Gods that
is... Jolt Cola. That godforsaken swill would have left
the market years ago if it weren’t for them.
Now That’s Music Vol. 9. THAT ain’t music my
friends, and I hate all of you that patronize the largest
plague to ears since Wesley Willis. Granted I don’t know
a soul who has any of these CDs. Actually, there was a
broad I dated in high school, turned out she was a lesbian,
I wanted to make a reference to a water retainment system
but the editors objected. When I found out she liked box
turtles, I got really drunk and punched a locker.
Oh, well. She had 0ne...1 think it was Vol. 3 but I’m
not sure, all I know is that it sucked. Which makes me
wonder, how the hell did they sell enough copies to make
nine of these albums. I guess crazier things have
happened; after all, women vote.
The show “Becoming” on MTV. First off, MTV sucks
and anyone that watches it, yeah that’s about all of you,
suck. Like I said. I was really bored during spring break.
I didn’t watch these but supposedly it’s like how stars
became uhh.. .celebrities, not stars. There’s some obvious
one, Britney Spears got her looks and ’N Sync because
they were the last band since David Bowie to openly
admit their homosexuality and have a feeble taste in
music. There’s even things I won’t do for broads and
fame. Granted I’d be in a gay boy band but I would by
no means play sports for any off Campus College and
pretend I was the greatest sports star since “Sweet Lou”
Whitaker. Nonetheless, I just wanted to express the fact
that Sum 41 was on there and said all they had to do was
three things; buy hair gel, learn two power chords and
get a set of a trailer park living room to simulate the “from
the streets” look. By the way, punk is dead and I hate the
pseudo punks on campus, choke on your vomit and die.
My dad is a worthless bum. Let’s say Mitch
Buchanan’s dad graduated from Ball State University,
so he got Ball State University basketball pride right?
kiiinmight. My dad loves Piti Basketball, graduated from
Pitt? Noooo. Not only did he not go to college, he makes
lies about being in the military. If I know my dad like I
think I do, he was munching on Cracker Jacks and
watching Pitt basketball on TV right after he graduated
from high school until...uhh...now. I mean this guy
wouldn’t even leave the couch from a basketball game
to help me unload groceries. So over winter break, I
caught him watching a Lifetime movie on TV. I told him
it was a women’s channel, which is interesting because I
thought the women’s channel was the cooking network.
He claimed it was okay to watch the movie because Neil
Patrick Harris was in it. I told him to get real and he
hasn’t been the spokes model for masculinity now or
when he was on Doogie Howser.
Online dating, STD commercials and Phone Sex
commercials. What do these have in common? The
broads are freaking hot. First, the online dating: Let s
get serious here man. If these broads were hot they
wouldn’t be looking for dates online and all the hot ones
are homicidal. Then there are just overall worthless trashy
broads. STD commercials? Broads that are hot don’t
have the “clap.” They bang supermodels. It’s “Around
the Block Bertha” that you get to see slides of in high
school health class. I hate the lies! And finally phone
sex operators. C’mon now, any man who s a MAN has
called these numbers and yeah, they sound hot, or should
I say they are hot then they got a huge pile of beef between
their lips. The fat slobs got sexy voices and as we all
know, if the broads on TV were the phone sex operators,
they’d be in Karl Bennaci’s apartment.
Why must the ambulances write the word
“ambulances” backwards on their vehicles? I know it’s
so you can read it properly in your mirror but let s think
about it. A 5000 pound vehicle is speeding at your car at
100 mph, sirens roaring and lights blihding. Okay, I m
getting the hell outta the way. You can sit there and read
the words in your mirror but by the time you’re done
you’re gonna have a busted fender and an ambulance
driver up your ass. I’ve seen it a million times. It’s kinda
like saying, “Okay if the speeding van, sirens and lights
don’t work, the backwards signs gotta get their attention.”
It’s like yeah, if it takes you a backwards sign to get outta
the way of an ambulance, you can choke on vomit with
the pseudo punk kids.
People named Karl Suck.
Butala’s next column will appear after
a thorough ass-whooping.
fWi Friday, March 15, 2002
j Aldi’s product review pnj
| : rolls. Soaking a roll in water can I) < I
| : turn it into a fun splattering I
| missile, but it is even more fun I
| if you soak it first and then freeze I
Bathroom tissue can be used pjgyrg ■j; darisssl
as a decoration for your dorm or Bathroom Tissue *
even your trees. If you are an |
extra nice person, you may even be willing to decorate|
your neighbor’s trees, as well. |
If you are too broke, a roll will even substitute for a|-
box of tissues. Bathroom tissue, like its distant cousin|
duct tape, is only limited in number of uses by the user’s|
imagination. r
A roll of Clarissa Bathroom Tissue contains 280 2
ply sheets. That should be more than enough to clear
up after almost any trip to drop the kids off at the pool
Another nice feature is that it comes in two colors: white
and pink. As a male, I feel that I do not need anything
pink touching my posterior, so I went with the white
rolls. I wonder why they do not make bathroom tissue
in manly colors like camouflage or brown. In the
category of cleaning quality, I give Clarissa one square
out of four. In the fun potential category, Clarissa earn<
four squares, (editor's note: that’s really Aldi’s chocolatt
pudding on Ryan Anthony’s hands...just in case you wen
wondering you sicko).
As many of you probably know, Tuesday night is wing night at
the Fireside Restaurant. Therefore, on my way to that fine
establishment, I stopped off at Aldi’s for a product I knew would
be needed later. For only 89 cents, I purchased four rolls of Clarissa
Bathroom Tissue. At dinner I made sure to slurp up extra sauce so
that I would later be able to test this product to its fullest capabilities.
The first thing I noticed during the initial phase of my testing
was the bathroom tissue’s packaging. It seemed a bit odd that a
woman named Clarissa would name toilet paper after herself, but
that was not the most baffling part. What threw me off was the
picture on the packaging of a little girl holding a baby duck. It
took awhile but after some thinking, I figured out the reason for
the duck. Duck, Duck, Goose is a game little kids play. Goose
rhymes with deuce, which, of course, is what you drop when you
are in the john. Duck, duck, DEUCE!
After several minutes and a couple
magazine articles, it was time to physically
test Clarissa’s bum rags. I quickly learned
the hard and messy way that when using
this product, you may wish to use a bit
more than normal. Let’s just say it tears
easily and I ended up getting a shower
before I left the bathroom
So maybe Clarissa Bathroom Tissue is
not the best bathroom tissue on the market.
Here are some other uses for the remaining
“Booze Bandit” Strikes Behrend,
Encyclopedia Brown on the Case
by Ross Lockwood
A few weeks ago I was enjoying a few beers with my friends. It was
some good suds. The mix of hops and barley was impeccable. We left to go to
a party, and all I could think about was coming back to the apartment for a
nightcap. When we came back, we found that the beers were gone. Not only that, the
movie Pulp Fiction had been stolen, as well. Needless to say, we pissed and moaned, some
people made some threats with baseball bats and we said the “f” word and “s” word a lot but
nothing happened. We had no leads.
The following night at Scabs bunkhouse, a Mardi Gras party was going down. 1 was
disappointed that none of the middle aged, married, M.I.L.F.S that were so prevalent with Scabs
were there, but the night only got worse: the booze bandit struck again. The bottle of Baccardi
O that was supposed to be given to the girl with the most beads (AKA the biggest slut) was
taken. Needless to say, this jag off ruined my weekend.
A note for the booze bandit, you have made the worst mistake of your life. More than likely,
your first-born is. going to hell in a body bag. And the body bag will be on fire, so the bastard
child won’t even enjoy the ride to hell where his soul will bum eternally.
Q. What are Michael Jackson’s favorite colleges?
Brigham Young and Penn State-Dubouis
Know what sucks? Yes, job fairs. Why? All colleges
fhave them, but no matter how hard a college tries, its’ job
fair sucks. It’s not the fault of the college; it’s just that
job fairs can’t be cool. Or can they?
What is a job fair? It’s when students dress
* V,V; J
~ lj fi rf A U P and walk around begging for jobs and/or
internships. Hmm.. .dressing up and begging for
something. Halloween- dressing up and begging
:*s:f or candy. Job fairs- dressing up and begging
Karl Benacci for jobs. What a crazy parallel. I’d rather have
the candy, though.
There are three kinds of students that go to job fairs:
1) The Kiss Ass- These people try to act mature and professional. They
borrow their mother’s or father’s clothing (in extreme cases, both) and
go to the job fair acting like they’re at a funeral: Hi, my name’s Chester”
looks at company representative in the eye and shakes their hand (great
advice from mom and dad)* I have no special talents and I’m boring so
I’m going to act like a professional. Please take my resume, I love
watching Fraggle Rock and I have no life!
2) The “I’m Your Buddy Student”- These people aren’t nearly aS bad
as the kiss ass students. At least these people have some personality and
perhaps a life: “Hey, my name’s Henry! What’s up? I’m an Engineer!
How about those Steelers?! I like naked women!” There’s a happy medium
between the ass kisser and the latter.
3) The Stupid Person- These people are fun to watch because they’re
not trying to be fake. They often wear their street clothes to the job fair
and wonder why everyone is so dressed up, having no idea what’s going
on: “Hey, what’s up? So what does McDonald’s do? Oh, hey, you have
the same logo as the McDonald’s restaurant chain! Company guy: We
If listening to bad music was cool, I’d be Miles Davis
The first step to recovery is
admitting you have a problem.
My name is Kevin and I
listen to bad music.
Everyone has a few CDs in
H their collection they are
embarrassed to own. You
remember, you got the
Kevin Fallon “mmmbop” song stuck in
your head and bought the CD. You don’t admit to anyone
that you like this CD, let alone listen to it. I bet you hide
it so people don’t see it and make fun of you. Yet, when
no one is looking, you still crank it up and dance around
your bedroom.
As someone who prides himself on listening to “good”
music, I feel it is time to Hidden behind my
Clash and Miles Davis records are CDs that I am ashamed
to own. Of course, none are as bad as Hanson; give me
some credit.
The truth willset me free. Here are the most
embarrassing CDs in my collection: (I’m not making
this up, I really own these.)
1. Shaquille O’Neal, “Shaq
Diesel” - When this CD first came
out, it was “da bomb.” At least that’s
what all the kids at school told me.
And when I say “all the kids,” 1 mean
the ones who sagged their Boss jeans, wore Charlotte
Home’s Starter jackets, and smoked Newport Lights on
Ryan Anthony
Job Unfairs
*
t
iirtWD 131 eum.
are the McDonald’s restaurant chain. Stupid Person: Oh. Can I have
some coupons? Company guy: No, go away. Stupid Person: I have
a resume, see? McDonald’s company guy: That’s a cocktail napkin
with crayon scribbles. Stupid Person: Yeah...l gotta go, my ride’s
here!
There are treasures at these job fairs, V "v
Prizes. Jewels. Once, some guy gave me ■■■
a clock because I talked to him.
Unfortunately, most of the things the
companies give away are crap. Why is
it brought to the job fair? I assume it’s there to lure us to their table.
It might work for some people, but not me No candy from strangers,
whether they work for IBM or they’re the scary man who drives
around Behrend at night in his van, blasting old Molly Hatchet tapes.
Moving on.. .how can one have fun at a job fair? Use your thinking
cap.
One can:
1) Eat some of the stale candy the company has in their plastic
bowl. After that, talk to the company associate for a few minutes
and then collapse to the ground or on the company’s table (flip it
over for added effect).
2) Converse with the company representative at the job fair and
(without warning) scream, “What’s your *expletive* problem? You
don’t even know my mother!” You can either dump the bowl of
candy over the company representative’s head and/or just storm
off; whichever you choose.
In conclusion, Job fairs need Britney Spears and slot machines in
order to be cool. Will it ever happen? I doubt it...but a Karl can
dream.
the school bus. This was the CD they listened to while
they huffed gas after detention. It was all part of the
eight-grade thug life.
I make fun of Shaq now, but he was the man back
then. Not only did he have successful basketball and
rapping careers, he also starred in “Kazaam,” the story
of a rapping genie who lives in a boom box. Shaq is a
true Renaissance man. 800-ya.
2. Neil Diamond, “Hot Augu
Night” - Not only is Neil Diamond m
cool now, he wasn’t cool even whe
he was cool. Huh? I mean, he nevi
was cool
Owning this album i$ not all my
my mom’s record collection; this gem was in it. But
still, I kept it. I just hope my mom never listened to this
while she was pregnant with me. (I have to give my
mom some credit. I also stole a few
Who albums. But- still, mom, Neil
Diamond?)
3. Jewel, “Spirit”-This is the most
embarrassing CD because I own it for
the worst reason. I think Jewel is hot.
Yes, I bought a record just because of the singer's looks
I admit it. So kill me.
I had a huge crush on Jewel a few years ago. I wanted
to be familiar with her music so we could talk about it on
our first date. For some reason that date never happened.
Jewel, if you’re out there, the offer still stands. Call me.
n
I.
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S
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9
Jimmy Z's BAR
QUESTION OF
THE WEEK
Who is riie sexiest
cartoon character
and why?
Due to the underwhelming response
for the last contest (two replies) we
are asking the same question again.
Send your answer in 100 words or less
by 3/20/02 to: Behrcoll2@aol.com.
Ist place winner: free Fat Chick
Sandwich
2nd place winner: free Fat Boy
Sandwich
3rd place winner: free side of Fries
In the words of Shakira:
...so we were at Plymouth...for
quarter drafts...l had 6 beers
and about 18 shots there
and then the waitress was
being a bitch...
so i got mad...told her off and
told her i could stand up....
which I attempted but
failed .and then flicked her
off
I also puked in the Plymouth...
a little... on the floor
so then we went to (unnamed
bar)
and i proceeded to tell mad
people off... I told off a
rqpdom TKE bro..
Told off J for buying me
bitch shots
and then Leah and TJ for
laughing at me
then puked all over the floor
after my 21 St • "
Dirty Teddy and The Behrend Beacon
encourage students to drink responsibly .
Boozehound of the Week was created to show
what can happen when one consumes too
much alcohol and makes a complete jack
ass out oj him or herself.
Send your 50-100 word nomination for
Boozehound of the Week to:
behreoll2@aol.com.
Note: We will not publish stories about crimi
nal acts. If you want your name in the paper,
the nomination must come from your psu per
sonal account. If you want your picture in the
paper, send a jpeg file along with your story.
ran fact o
the week
massage
parlors are JL
often cleverly JJ
disguised V
brothels. JL
4. Cannibal Corpse, “Butchered At
Birth” - The same person that owns a
Jewel album also owns a Cannibal
Corpse album? Has the world gone
mad?
To be honest, I don’t know how this
CD ended up in my collection. It just appeared one day.
Perhaps Satan himself broke into my room and planted
it there in an attempt to corrupt my soul. I know Satan
listens to some good music: But he could have picked a
better CD, like Slayer or Danzig.
For those of you not familiar with Cannibal Corpse,
here are a few of their song titles: “A Skull Full of
Maggots,” “Hammer Smashed Face,” and “Force Fed
Broken Glass.” And those are the
clean ones
I guess I should be lucky mom was
only listening to Neil Diamond and
hot this.
5. Eddie Money, “Eddie Money”
Wait a minute. I am not ashamed of
this record. This record rocks. “Two Tickets to
Paradise,” that’s my jam.
Now I feel like a weight has been lifted. I have
repented and my sins have been forgiven. But before
any of you decide to make fun of me, I want you to
make your own list. I bet yours will be much more
embarrassing. At least there are no boy bands on my
list, unless you consider Cannibal Corpse a boy band.
The Behrend Beacon
Dirty Teddy's
Malt Liquor
Boozehound
of the Week
pennState
Sfiakra
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