fi H !>! (ii<!'Nl) BIACON
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 9,2001
Transitions?
We don’t need
no stinking
transitions!
JB Untitled 21
■V Ben Kundman
■HUH
editors I columnist
The following article is meaner and more
cynical than anything l have written to date.
The reason for my anger is 18 straight
hours of classes and homework, which
netted me a mediocre grade on my math test
and a nearly completed CAD drawing. The
only breaks 1 had today were to occasion
ally stop at a mirror and admire the
chiseled physique of that upper middle class
white trash hunka hunka burning love we 've
all grown to love. With that in mind, / would
like to offer an advance apology to anyone
bigger and/or tougher than me, and a big
“SCREW YOU, BUDDY!" to anyone who's
butt 1 could deliver a whipping to (mostly
children and small domesticated animals.)
“Why are all of your articles lists?” is
quickly approaching “Do any of your
articles have a point?” is the question most
often asked by my readers. Why do I use
lists? With lists, you need no transition. I
thereby present to you, the reader, my list of
occupations that suck.
THE ICE CREAM MAN - Ice cream men
invariably possess vast collections of child
pornography. If they weren’t a pedophile
before, they will soon become one due to
the subliminal messages hidden within the
incessant chimes blaring from the Ice
Cream Van’s loudspeaker.
DOCTORS AND WEATHER-
FORECASTORS - While my budget
dictates that I can subsist only on “Beast”
Ice and foods in the genre of “helper,” these
shmoes get six plus figures for making
guesses, and woefully inaccurate guesses at
that. First: Doctors. Have you ever heard a
Doctor definitively say what’s wrong with
you without a test? Usually they just say “it
looks like...” and then “we’re going to try
this.” YOU WERE IN SCHOOL LONGER
THAN I WILL BE. THAT IS A VERY
LONG TIME. AT LEAST MAKE SOME
THING UP. TELL ME I HAVE SCURVY. I
REALLY DON’T CARE. Weather Forecast
ers: The only things they can consistently
get right are the current conditions. Amaz
ingly enough, anyone with a windsock and a
thermometer can duplicate these same
results. Pit the Magic Eight Ball against the
10-day forecast any time, and my money is
on the magic eight ball.
ANYONE WITH THE WORDS “HELP’
or “SUPPORT” BEFORE OR AFTER
THEIR JOB TITLE - People who work at
“help” desks are merely lackeys slowing
you down from wasting their managers’
time. After being on hold for two hours, you
finally can talk to the manager, who
proceeds to tell you the equivalent of
“screw you, screw you, we don’t care,
screw you. Thank you, come again.”
LAWYERS AND USED CAR SALES
MEN - (A brief note: when I say “lawyer” I
mean the Edgar Snyder-esque personal
injury lawyer who jumps at the chance to
help you sue your Grandma for the horren
dous gas and ensuing mental trauma her pot
roast caused last year). Personal Injury
lawyers are often so ashamed of their
profession that they tell their friends and
family that they are drug dealers. Used car
salesmen are merely lawyers who couldn’t
pass the bar.
ANYONE WHOSE JOB COMPRISES
ENTIRELY OF COMMUNICATING
THROUGH A TINNY LOUDSPEAKER
- These people spend their days spreading
misery and their evenings gargling marbles.
People in the travel industry (subways,
airports, train stations) have contests to see
who can have the LEAST number of pages
responded to per year. Drive-Thrus are like
the crooked nursing homes they used to
show on 20-20. The workers all act like
Andrew “Dice” Clay with hemorrhoids,
there are no napkins, the french fries are
cold, and if you ask for any changes, they
spit in your food.
TELEMARKETERS - Considering how
long they can speak without holding their
breath, telemarketers could easily become
Navy Seals if they could only pass a drug
test. I wish telemarketers would sell
something useful, like beer and pizza.
Imagine sitting on your couch at 4.30 A.M.
watching “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids when
out of nowhere Little Caesar s calls and
asks you if you want a Large Pepperoni and
a sixer of the beast!
Kundman ’s column appears every three
Tell us what you
Send a letter to the Editor!
Send all letters to:
behrcoll2@aol.com
Dr. Laura, the true biological mistake
I am a biological mistake. At age 12, my
parents divorced. It was decided by the
courts of law that I was to live with my
father; my mother moved out of state. So
yes, I am a mistake. But why? Because Dr.
Laura says so, of course.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger, a radio talk
show host turned television personality
has taken on the role of the purity god.
She manages to insult everyone, yet still
has a religious following large enough to
beat out the Mosque visitors each year.
These women, generally middle-aged
cranks who have nothing better to do
during the day, sit in their living rooms
with smirks on their faces, nodding away
at what they believe to be pure genius.
Rather, Dr. Laura’s ‘genius’ is pure
bigotry.
Her ideals and views of the society may
Stop your whining!
jjMMPIt things that we have to be thankful for.
mk, 0/z YOU We’re alive, we’re in college, and we
■PMFpW , ’ f have the Behrend Beacon to read at
Dldn t KtlOW? our convenience! What else could
Karl Benacci we possibly need?
l’m sure that most
mdividuals know of one
extremely
person to
every
single possible thing that could be wrong
■HHHHIHBHHHi with their life. Question: what goes on in
your mind when this person is on one of
their whiny rampages? Well, when I am
subjected to their babbling, I feel the urge
to scream “Shut up! You’re bringing us all
down!” However, I usually smile at them
and pretend that I’m delighted at what they
have to say.
One question that I often ask myself is “I
wonder if I am this annoying when I’m
negative?” Well, the answer to that question
is most likely yes!
So what can be done to whoop
negativity’s butt? Well, there are two things
that a person needs to do to escape the evil
clutches of negativity.
So what’s wrong with your life? Is your
car a piece of junk? Are you flat out broke?
Did your dog die? Has your significant
other dumped you right before Valentine’s
Day? Come on, tell me what’s wrong with
your life, you know you want to! Why is it
that so many of us shower ourselves (and
others) in negativity? It seems as if most of
society enjoys wallowing in their own self
pity. I will admit, I am one of these people,
however, I am desperately trying to turn
myself into a more positive person.
At any rate, negativity sucks (talk about
ironic!). But why do so many of us feel the
need to have a negative attitude? There
really isn’t a need, is there? Think of all the
Fighting over something with your triends? Want to see it debated
in the newspaper? Send us your idea* and we will debate it in our
think!
have been acceptable in the
19505, but it isn’t even the 1900 s
Attitude Problem anymore. If two parents are not
_ . able to provide a loving home for
Faige Miles their children because of the
copy editor
*Hot Debate 99 ot the weeh discussion l
behrcott2@aol.com
EDITORIAL
constant fighting and wars between
them, is it right for them to stay
together because it’s the “right thing to
do”? Is it better that a hostile environment
is created in which a child learns that
hatred is ok? According to Dr. Laura,
robbing a child of a father through
methods such as divorce (and unmarried
motherhood, among other things) is a
crime to the moral America. But if the
mother is unmarried, and chooses to have
an abortion, she is a sinner. If she has the
child and a father isn’t present, she is again
a sinner who should be condemned to the
depths of hell. What’s the solution? The
easy answer is abstinence, but let’s be real.
Gay rights groups protest and boycott
her show (currently on at 3 p.m. on NBC)
for absolutely ridiculous comments she has
spewed out of her disgusting mouth. At
one point, Dr. Laura said that “gays are a
biological mistake.” Dr. Laura’s morals are
all based on the Christian Bible, verbatim.
However, though common morals and
ethics preach not to judge others, Dr. Laura
feels that it is her right to bash gays. Yes,
‘The Hot Debate of The
Wrestling with balls?
Wi!l the new XFL football league be
accepted by sports fan s ?
Sure, maybe the talent isn’t there. Maybe
some of the athletes are a little old and
washed up or just NFL draft rejects. Saying
that some of the linemen are embarrassingly
overweight would be an understatement and
saying that the quarterbacks’ accuracy wasn’t
bad would be a compliment.
But no “true" football fan, a fan that sits in
one’s
making Agfp ftJMeAs or
players, M anticKtHk iHhiJßould be
disappoiMd.
Vince McMahon didn’t lie when he
promised “real” football. You have cheer
leaders in the stands, microphones in the
huddles, interviews cast over the loudspeakers
so players can talk smack, no fair catches and
for god’s sake, cameramen running circles
around the quarterback...on the field!
Probably the best part of the game deals
with the player salaries. Are you sick of
hearing about the ridiculous contract signings
of NFL players? In the XFL, you get paid if
you win. Not if you make a fancy catch or
highstep to the endzone. And not if you’re
just profitable for a shoe company. Success
ful teams pay their players more. So highstep
all you want in the XFL, just be sure you win.
Whether you like it or not, the XFL
matches today’s society more than the NFL.
People want hard hits and rules that encour
age big hits. They want athletes playing
football because they love to play football,
not because they want big checks. Sure, some
people might be offended and they will flip
the channel, but true fans of the game will
watch. It’s football. And it’s football played
the way it was meant to be played.
Every week, two editors from the staff will debate a
she has freedom of speech, but freedom
of bigotry and stupidity? And still, she is
worshipped. She has even gone as far as
to suggest that homosexual teachers
should not be allowed in elementary or
high schools because it is an indirect form
of sex education. Maybe I just skipped
that day, but karma sutra was never taught
in any of my secondary school classes,
regardless of the teacher’s sexual
preference
But let’s talk about Dr. Laura’s
credibility. Does she really have the right
to preach her morals to the naive portion
of America? Yeah, ok, there is that whole
amendment thing allowing her to shoot
off her mouth. ‘Dr.’ Laura isn’t even
licensed as a doctor. She has no certificate
from any university stating that she is an
expert in a) morals b) psychology c)
religion or d) being a wench. What kind
of demented witch walks around calling
herself ‘doctor’ anyhow? Of course, there
are other words, much much more
colorful words that can be used to
describe her, but the Beacon editor-in
chief prefers we don’t use those terms.
In another scenario of hypocrisy at its
best, Dr. Laura was caught with her pants
down —literally. In a recent show, she
made rude comments degrading a photo
The first thing that can be done is not to
harp on things. This basically means that
the individual needs to forget about all of
the bad things that are happening to them.
Thinking about a bad test or an argument
will not put an individual in the greatest of
moods. Moving on, however, and thinking
of more positive things will put the person
in a more positive mood.
The second thing that an individual can
do to kick the negativity habit is for them
to have fun! Yes, it’s that simple. How
many of you remember the movie The
Shining ? The movie starred Jack
Nicholson, who went insane because he
didn’t have any fun in a hotel that he was
caring for (the fact that he befriended an
evil ghost didn’t help either). If Jack had
partaken in fun in that hotel, then he might
not have been typing the phrase “All work
and no play makes Jack a dull boy” for
days on end. We all need a certain degree
of fun in our lives. If we don’t, we’ll be in
a bad mood. It’s as simple as that.
I have another question.. .how many
people enjoy hanging out with negative
people? I think that it’s a safe bet to say
that there are very few people that eniov
What’s the difference between the football
players that play in the XFL and the football
players that play in the NFL? It can be
summed up into one sentence; NFL football
players have talent.
The XFL is by no means the First football
league to challenge the NFL. Some failures
The XFL prides itself on having tough
nosed football players that make less money
than the average American citizen. What
does this mean? It means that the XFL shells
out as little money as possible to acquire
their players, which explains why the talent
level is so low in the XFL. The “stars” of the
XFL, which include Tommy Maddox and
Rashaan Salaam, were complete and utter
failures when they played in the NFL. Yet
the XFL attempts to belittle the NFL, by
calling NFL players overpaid babies that live
their lives with no financial woes. But
honestly, would America rather watch an
exciting game that has overpaid players or a
boring game that has underpaid players?
Exactly! People don’t care about what
players are paid; they care about how
enjoyable a game is. The XFL is a total
facade. They have teams with scary names,
like the San Francisco Demons and the
Memphis Maniax, and the players talk loud
and act tough, but where are the hard hits
and the big plays? The truth is, Americans
will only pay to watch professional football.
In time, the XFL will be added to the list of
failed football leagues.
topic that is hot. Students, faculty and staff are
lend ideas to behrcoll2@aol.com
of Barbara Walters in a sexy bathrobe. (I
can’t believe I just used ‘sexy’ and
‘Barbara Walters’ in the same sentence.)
In turn, on The View, Walters made a point
to mention the nude pictures taken of Dr.
Laura during an affair a few years back.
Again, what right does this ‘Dr.’ have to
preach?
All hope to take down the Doctor is not
lost, though. At last check, over eighty
companies, many prestigious, had agreed
not to advertise during the Dr. Laura time
slot. Instead, commercials featuring
weight-loss products that not only make
you rich but also slice and dice bananas
are shown. The over eighty companies
refuse to promote or even be associated
with the absolute blasphemy of Dr.
Laura’s words.
Yes, eventually Dr. Laura will go off the
air like all stale talk-show hosts. Until
then, America has a group of supposedly
moral hypocrites wandering around telling
everyone else what’s right and decent. It’s
simply annoying. I suggest to everyone
who agrees with me to send Dr. Laura
nasty email expressing modem and just
views. (Don’t bother posting on her
message board—they remove any nasty
comments about her.) Down with the
Doctor.
Miles’ column appears every three weeks.
doing this. How many people enjoy
hanging out with fun and lively people?
Exactly!
People like to be around positive people.
It has been like that since day one, and I
think that it will always be like that. That
alone is more than enough reason to be a
positive person. We all have the choice to
go through life as a negative or positive
person, and it’s our choice to choose which
kind of person we’d like to be. Which will
you choose? None of us will live forever
(please omit if you happen to be Dick
Clark or Cher), so why not live live
positively?
I’m not trying to ensure that all people
are negative. I know some wonderful
people that make the best of every
situation. They deserve to be appreciated
for their wonderful outlook on life, and all
negative people could learn a lot from
them. I hope that you all picked up
something positive from my editorial and I
hope that you all have a good Valentine’s
Day!
Benacci’s column appears every three
weeks.
i i A
Week’