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Students enjoy Crack with the Provost
by Agent Katherine
10th wonder of the world
“It’s all about the crack, baby,”
Dean and Provost John Lilley told
a group of 2,500 students that
gathered in the Reed Commons for
the monthly Crack with the
Provost.
All together, attendance has
increased 400% from this time last
year, when the Provost was still
hosting Pizza with the Provost.
After calling a meeting with
Residence Life supervisors, all
involved decided to change the
format from formal, to a big, dirty
crack house environment.
Students gathered in the
Commons to find various pipes of
all sizes and shapes to enhance
their enjoyment of the meeting
with the Dean. The normally tame
meeting turned into party central
when the Dean announced that
crack would now be legal on
Question of the
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT TOPLESS
TABLE DANCERS BEING USED TO
Where can l get an application?
1 kinda like his idea
As long as they’re not lesbians with an
campus at all times. Students cheered,
lit up and smoked the night away.
In addition to the legalization, the
engineering labs in the Hammermill
Building will be converted to crack
production labs to keep the crack on
campus. When asked why he wants
the drugs to be kept on campus, Lilley
said, “They’re our drugs. We don’t
want those dirty sorostitutes to bring
them in off the streets, we already
have all their diseases on campus.”
To help students with the rising cost
of crack the bookstore will offer
students special prices on Fridays for
eightballs. There are also plans to
branch out Behrend’s drug cartel and
turn the ski slope into a field of
rotating drug crops that will include
marijuana, mushrooms and in several
years’ opium. Lilley hopes to
eventually merge Behrend with the
town of Wesleyville and create the
largest drug ring in Erie County.
This will all be put into effect in
this Fall semester when Behrend
Week
INCREASE ATTENDANCE AT
UNIVERSITY EVENTS?
Silicon Shirlee,
69 Prostitution Major
Pope John Paul 11,
2000 AD Papal Studies
“agenda.”
Randall Bigot,
local pinhead
Me like boobies
Provost and Dean John Lilley
Do I get my executive discount?
plans to offer a new major to
students. The Drug Sciences major
will be headed up by current
Assistant Political Science
Professor, Dr. Robert Speel, with
Dr. Jim O’Laughlin serving as
Department Head of the School of
Drugs.
With all the changes coming on
campus, including the ARC and
Trippe Hall, Lilley feels that crack
production is the way to raise the
funds for these projects. “Students
always protest when we raise
tuition prices, so why not go the
way of our Colombian friends?"
Lilley also has been quoted as
saying, “we want to increase the
number of students on this campus
to include a majority from the drug
producing countries of South
America”.
The event was such a success that
Residence Life has decided to
include crack at almost every
campus event next semester. The
Big Willy Clinton,
Commander in chef
Athletic Department has agreed to
help out and get rid of the Spirit
Stations and make them Crack
Stations during sporting events in
the ARC. For further information
about how to receive work study in
the crack production labs next
semester please contact Bongo in
the Beacon office.
Behrend student lights up in the
Reed Commons.
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police And Safety
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Officers sent to put out Macintosh bonfire in Wintergarden.
Mike Frawley’s body found in gorge. Greeks suspected
Behrend student illegally parks cow in Lawrence Hall Lobby.
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